


Illicit Affairs

by MadAboutGrey



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, F/M, Romance, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:22:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 74,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26330092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAboutGrey/pseuds/MadAboutGrey
Summary: A story loosely based off the song Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift with a few extra plot twists to keep things interesting! Rated M for a reason.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Comments: 48
Kudos: 64





	1. Napa Valley

**A/N: Welcome to my new story! I have been working on this pretty much ever since I heard Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift - if you haven't heard it I definitely suggest listening to it and the whole folklore album. It started out as something small but I've actually written a lot already for this and can't wait to share it with you all. It is explicit content so is rated M for this reason. Also, please pay attention to the dates as this story does go back and forth, but I will mention when a flashback happens before a chapter.**

**I hope you all enjoy! Feedback is greatly appreciated. :)**

* * *

**Sunday, 16** **th** **May 2021.**

* * *

The warm breeze of the afternoon swept through her hair as she stood against the railing, feeling the cool iron between her fingers. If you'd asked her just over six months ago where she'd be, she definitely wouldn't have guessed being right here where she was now. She found herself biting her lips as she thought back over the events of the last six months, and the thoughts introduced a tightness in her stomach. She felt like an almost completely different person, but she wasn't sure if this were a good thing or a bad thing.

She felt his arms snake around her waist, his lips pressing against the back of her neck as she looked out over the vast gardens that adorned the land of the property, stood on the balcony that adjoined the suite that had been rented for their weekend in Napa Valley. She leaned back into his comforting hold as she released the iron bar, her head falling back against his shoulder, and he pressed soft kisses onto her bare shoulder, his hand creeping up the front of her silk camisole.

Her breath caught as his hand slid further up the front of her body, his fingertips brushing the underside of her breast, raising the goose bumps on her skin, a slight chill travelling down her spine. His lips travelled up her neck to just below her ear, murmuring softly, "We have to go soon, and I want to enjoy you for as long as I can."

She turned around in his arms, and his lips captured hers in a soft, slow kiss. His hands held her hips, his fingers splayed out over her bare skin under the silk top, pushing slightly at the waistband of the matching shorts. Her hands gripped on his shoulders, pressing her body flat against his, eliciting a groan from deep within his chest. He moved his hands to her thighs, lifting her up and moving her legs around his waist keeping hold of her thighs as he carried her back to the bed.

"I was enjoying the view," she murmured as he moved over her, pushing her vest up as he feathered soft kisses over her abdomen. Her back arched as his kisses went lower, slowly pulling her shorts down her legs and dropping them at the side of the bed.

"I prefer this view," he smirked up at her, his lips moving to her inner thigh, each touch of his lips sending shockwaves of pleasure through her and she found herself unable to think about anything other than his touch.

A soft moan escaped her parted lips as the tip of his tongue pressed against her clit, slowly dragging down over her wet pussy lips. He flickered his tongue against her clit again as he slid two fingers inside her, curling them as he slowly pumped them in and out. Her fingers slid into his hair with a gentle grip as the pleasure ripped through her body, her loud moans echoing around them and urging on his movements. Her walls started to tighten around his fingers as her stomach tightened with her impending climax, her toes curling against the sheets as her hips involuntarily moved up against the harder pressure of his tongue against her.

"Come, baby. Come for me."

As she hit her climax, her back arching and his name leaving her lips in loud moans, his fingers were replaced by his tongue while he rubbed her clit in fast motions, helping her ride out the orgasm. She felt his tongue moving over every inch of her vagina, tasting her, and letting her cum drip into his mouth. She felt his lips kissing back up her body, pausing to suck on her sensitive nipples as he pulled her top off her spent body. She moaned out softly as the sensation reignited the feelings of pleasure and need inside her. She could feel his hardening length pressing against her inner thigh, strained against the soft cotton of his boxers, as his lips moved back to hers and she tasted herself on him, becoming all consumed in his kisses.

Her leg hooked over his waist as his hand gripped her upper thigh, pulling her up against him as he also craved the friction of their bodies together. Her hand reached between them and under his boxers, gripping him in her hand with slow movements, feeling a thrill run through her when he moaned her name and nipped at the sweet spot on her neck.

"I want you, Meredith, now…"

"Take me…" she breathed out, her hand still moving up and down his length, feeling drops of his pre-cum dripping down her wrist.

His dark blue eyes locked with hers, taking her hand away from him and locking their fingers together against the mattress beside her head as he positioned himself at her entrance, watching her gasp softly as he pushed inside her, stretching her walls around him. His lips lowered on to hers as he started to move slowly inside her, going slightly deeper with each thrust, and she returned the movements of his hips with her own so that they were moving in slow, passionate movements with synchronisation.

His thrusts became slower, but harder, as he explored her depths, a thin layer of sweat between them as the heat between them intensified, mingled with the heat coming from the afternoon sun. her fingernails dug deeper into his shoulders with each thrust hitting deep inside her, this and her loud moans spurring him on to move faster as he throbbed inside her, his climax quickly building, but ready to hold off until she was ready to come again.

She felt his hand snake down between them, rubbing his thumb against her soft spot hard to entice her orgasm, and she could feel the tightness of her climax building in the pit of her stomach again, pleasure shooting through her body each time the tip of his length hit deep inside her. It didn't take long for her to relax into the orgasm, letting herself go with a loud moan, "Fuck, Derek…"

At the spasms of her walls around him, he let himself release inside her with a load groan, burying his face against her neck, "Oh, Meredith, fuck…" He eventually rolled beside her, breathing heavily, and pulling her against him, her breathing also heavy as she felt the after-effects of the second mind blowing orgasm. Her face buried against his chest as he held her close, his fingers running through her hair.

* * *

They woke to the sound of his phone ringing, not even realising they had fallen asleep. She rolled over with a stretch as he climbed off the bed, picking up his phone, she closed her eyes again and listened to him speak, "Hello?"

Hearing the shrill, female voice on the other end of the line, her eyes snapped open, and a sinking, nauseous feeling in her stomach had her crossing her arms over her abdomen as she curled up on one side. She didn't look toward him, but she heard his footsteps as he walked through into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, probably to avoid her having to listen to the conversation. Or maybe to avoid any sign of her being with him being made apparent to the caller.

She needed to stop getting this feeling inside her. It was just sex. That's all it was, right? A physical attraction, a physical jealousy. Either way, it was a doomed marriage. She took a breath before climbing off the bed and picking up her own phone, having no missed messages or calls, but checking the time. Crap. They'd slept too long. They needed to be on a flight in less than two hours.

She pulled her hair up into a ponytail out of the way before finding her airplane clothes, comfy lounge pants a hoodie, pulling them on and gathering the rest of her belongings, packing them into her simple carry-on bag, the only one she'd brought with her. She laughed a little to herself remembering his shock when he had realised, she'd only brought the one carryon bag with her for their weekend away.

" _I didn't know it were possible for a woman to just bring one bag when going away anywhere, no matter for how long."_

She sat in the middle of the bed, cross legged with her bag beside her as she waited for him to be done with the conversation and come back out of the bathroom. She pulled her phone out, scrolling through her Facebook feed as she waited, trying hard not to listen to the words being spoken in the next room. She realised he might not realise himself how loud he was being.

"Megan, I have to go and pack. My flight is in two hours," she heard him say, an impatient tone in his voice.

"Yes, I know, I'll be there."

She closed the phone, laying back on the bed as it rested on her stomach.

"No, my car is parked at the airport, there's no need."

She closed her eyes, still trying to block out his voice from the bathroom, knowing what would soon be said.

"I'll see you later on tonight, love you too."

Those last words sent a surprisingly sharp pain through her chest, but as with most of her pain, she ignored it.

She heard the door to the bathroom open but continued to lay back on the bed with her eyes closed, concentrating on her breathing rather than his proximity. She listened to his light footsteps and the rustling of his things as he moved around the room, presumably packing up his things.

When she felt the bed dip slightly beside her, she turned her head and opened her eyes to look for the source of it, finding herself looking up into his eyes and he smiled softly at her, making her unable to resist smiling back at him. His finger tip drifted over her cheek as he spoke quietly, "We need to get going."

"Okay," she whispered, not willing to say anymore at the risk of her voice breaking. His hand moved to hers with a gentle squeeze before he moved off the bed again, picking up both of their bags. She sat up, grabbing her phone before getting up and putting her light jacket on, sliding her phone into the pocket.

She followed him out of the room, and both stayed in silence as they checked out and headed out to the rental car. He put the bags in the car and before she could situate herself in the passenger seat, his hand touched her arm, stopping her, "You want to drive?"

Her poor mood momentarily dissolved as she grinned, "Really? You want me to drive?"

"Sure, why not?" He chuckled softly, passing her the keys before getting in the car. She moved round the car and got in the driver's seat, adjusting it before starting the engine. The soft purr of the Porsche sent a thrill of excitement through her. This was definitely a good distraction to the current situation.

"You'd never let me do this if it was your car," she commented, giving him a sideways glance before setting off, following the directions on the screen of the built-in sat nav, soft music playing in the background.

"I happen to like my car, and don't wish to see it getting totalled," he teased her, laughing softly, and she could feel his eyes on her as she drove.

"I'm a good driver! I don't see why you're so insistent that I'm not," she rolled her eyes, but kept her concentration on the road, his presence beside her was distraction enough.

"I never said you were a bad driver, I just really like my car," he said with a laugh, his hand reaching over to rest on her thigh as she drove. "I actually find you driving rather attractive," he said, his voice lower now with that slight husk to it that it got when he was turned on.

"Oh yeah?" she raised an eyebrow, catching her lower lip between her teeth as his hand crept further up her thigh, and she regretted not having a skirt or dress on right now so that he would be touching her bare skin. She could feel the heating pooling between her legs at her own arousal.

"Hmm," he hummed, his lips pressed together as he sat back in his seat, taking her hand in his for the rest of the drive to the airport.

* * *

What seemed like only ten minutes later, but was actually closer to an hour, they were sat in their first-class seats facing each other. Meredith had taken her shoes off and was sat cross-legged in the seat, which was only possible due to her strange flexibility, with a medical textbook in her lap, taking various notes. Derek had his work laptop on the table in front of him, but she could see him glancing at her out of the corner of her eyes every now and again, so she would be surprised if he were actually getting anything done. She definitely wasn't getting much done.

An hour into the flight, she gave up and closed the text book. The noise of it closing had Derek looking over to her with a raised eyebrow, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just don't feel like anything is sinking in," she shrugged as she put the books back in her carryon bag, before stretching her arms up above her head to stretch her back out.

"I know the feeling," he laughed softly, closing his laptop as he looked at her, "I keep getting distracted from my reports."

She cocked her head to the side, her hands now back in her lap, and she smirked at him, "Distracted? How so?"

"I like watching you study," he shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back in the chair a little, his eyes trained on her still.

"Maybe we should've sat on opposite ends of the plane," she smirked at him again, but didn't miss the darkening look in his blue iris' as he watched her, aware of the familiar look of desire they held.

"Why can't you concentrate?" He asked, ignoring her playful comment.

"My boss keeps watching me," she quipped back almost instantly, smiling at the sound of the laugh she elicited from him.

"Maybe your boss should help you study, as way of apology for distracting you," he suggested, his foot lifting to rest on his opposite knee, his arms relaxing at either side of the seat now.

"My boss wouldn't do that, he's too mean," she continued the banter, idly wondering how far she would be able to push him. If anything, she wanted him to have his way with her in the airplane toilet, but that might just be wishful thinking.

Something shifted between them, and almost as if he could read her mind, he stood from his seat, and moved over to her, his lips dangerously close to her ear as he murmured, the husky tone returning to his voice again, "Maybe your boss will be feeling particularly nice if you meet him in the bathroom in two minutes."

She felt a rush of excitement shoot through her body, and even though she knew this could be a bad idea, a few minutes after he had walked off, she followed after him. She tapped a few times on the door and he opened it for her, the familiar look of desire on his face as he saw her. She stepped in and the door closed behind her. He immediately pressed her up against the closed door, attacking her lips with his in a hot, passionate kiss. His hands lifted her jumper, sliding over her bare skin beneath and up to her bare breasts.

"I didn't think you had a bra on… sexy," he breathed against her ear before pressing feverish kisses down her neck as his body had hers pinned against the door. His hands moved to her lounge pants, sliding beneath the waistband, and she heard a low growl escape his lips as he realised that she had no panties on either as he repeated the words he had spoken to her the first time they were together, "You're driving me crazy, Meredith."

She tilted her head back as she felt his teeth nipping at the skin of her neck, soft moans escaping her lips as his fingers found her clit, teasing the sensitive nerve endings as her juices dripped down her thigh with each movement of his thumb against her. A slightly louder moan escaped her lips as his fingers slid inside her and he moved his lips back to hers to quieten her with kisses.

Just as she was getting close to hitting her climax, he pulled his fingers away and pushed her pants down, lifting her onto the small counter where the sink was. Her legs locked around him for support, her arms around his neck as he unfastened his jeans and lowered them with his boxers, and she could see he was more than ready for her. He slid inside her in one quick movement, and she buried her face against his shoulder in an attempt to muffle the volume of her moans as he moved quickly inside her. It was clear this was going to be a very quick job of it.

His hands gripped her waist tight as he thrust back and forth, quick but deep, making sure she could feel every inch of his movements inside her. Her walls started to contract around his throbbing length, both of them ready to release their orgasms and climax together. One hard, deep thrust later and she was coming undone against him, clinging on to him as her orgasm shook her body and she felt his warm release inside of her. His lips instantly found hers with breathless kisses and he was clinging on to her now, as though he would never get to hold her again.

That's when the sinking feeling came back. This very well may be the last time they were together like this, for a few days at most. She'd taken the weekend away with him for granted, not having to feel on edge when around him, anxious that someone might figure them out just by looking at them interacting with one another.

He pressed a final kiss to her lips before pulling back, resting his forehead against hers with a soft whisper, "I'll go first. Get cleaned up, and I'll help you with your studying."

She nodded, watching in a slight daze as he pulled back, fixing his jeans, and checking his appearance – mainly his hair – in the small mirror before leaving the bathroom, closing the door shut behind him. She took a deep breath before sliding off the counter, cleaning herself up and righting her clothes. She splashed cold water on her face, aware of the redness in her cheeks as she looked in the mirror. She re-tied her hair that he must've pulled out of the ponytail at some point during their heated interaction before leaving the bathroom herself and heading back to her seat, thankful that there weren't that many people in first class, and those that were there didn't seem to be paying any attention to their surroundings.

She sat back in her seat across from Derek and, looking at him, you couldn't tell they had just had a quickie in the small toilet. She knew she definitely looked like she had. She pulled her phone out of her bag, fiddling it with a moment and hiding a yawn with her hand. When she looked up at Derek, he was holding out one of the complimentary blankets to her, "Sleep, Meredith. I'll wake you when we get there."

"Well I'd hope you wouldn't just leave me on the plane," she mumbled, taking the blanket and settling into the seat with it, catching the small shake of his head as he chuckled at her comment before she closed her eyes, realising she really did need to sleep.

* * *

She woke to his light shake of her shoulder and her eyes opened slowly to look at him. He gave her a small smile, already carrying both of their bags, "We've landed, come on."

She blinked a few times, grounding herself a moment before standing up, leaving the blanket on the seat as she stretched a little and then Derek let her lead the way off the plane. His hand touched the small of her back as they walked through to arrivals, "Do you need a ride home?"

They stopped to one side of the main airport area as she pulled her phone out, seeing a message from Cristina. She looked up at him as she shook her head, "Cristina is here, waiting. I didn't know if she'd make it or not but apparently things have been slow at the hospital."

"Okay, good," he paused a moment, as though he was deliberating what to say next but seemingly changed his mind, holding out her bag for her, "Here you go."

"Thanks," she took it from him, holding it over her shoulder, "I guess I'll see you in the morning?"

"Yeah, rounds at 7:30," he half smirked, "I'll see you then." He turned to walk toward the parking lot where he'd left his car but turned back to look at her, "Meredith…"

She looked up to him, her heart pounding as she tried to anticipate what he might want to say to her, "Yeah?"

Again, she noted the indecision in his eyes, and he spoke quickly, too quickly, "Coffee. I'll bring coffee. Sleep well."

"Okay, you too," she nodded, and he turned again, this time actually walking away from her and she stood a moment, her mind racing. Surely that's not what he wanted to say? But what would he have wanted to say? She needed to get a grip. She needed to buck up. It was just sex. Her phone buzzed in her hand with another message from Cristina.

_Hurry up, I know your flight has landed and you should be off it by now. I'm not waiting for you all night while you suck face with McDreamy, and I've already been stuck watching happy family reunions for the past fifteen minutes._

She sighed and tapped out a quick message as she walked to the exit, letting Cristina know she was on her way. She slid the phone into her coat pocket and made her way out to the pick-up area, quickly spotting Cristina's car and throwing her bag on the backseat before climbing in the passenger side with a huff.

"What's your problem? You've just had 48h uninterrupted hours of McDreamy in wine country, that's supposed to help you unwind, not stress you out more."

Meredith glared at her friend before putting on her seatbelt, "Let's just get out of here."

"Okay, cranky," Cristina said with raised eyebrows before she started driving onto the highway, back to their shared house that was a convenient ten minutes' walk from the hospital. "I'm just going to say this once, Meredith, but you really need to end this thing you have going on. I'm sure it was fun, and exciting for a while, but it's getting downright depressing to watch. You're miserable every time you come back from seeing him, and he just stares at you all the time, it's unnerving and I'm surprised I'm the only one to have figured you guys out by now. He needs to make a decision, and you need to move on."

Meredith didn't respond to her and was quiet the whole ride home, her mind filled with thoughts about her current situation. She couldn't be feeling like this towards him, but she couldn't help it. Having to leave him, knowing he was going back home to another woman, it just solidified the fact that no-one truly wanted _her._ They wanted the benefits and to forgo all the complications. She knew she should be ending this thing with him, whatever it was. He wasn't going to leave his wife for her, over six months down the line, that was pretty obvious. How did she even get herself into this mess?


	2. Flashback: The First Time We Met

**A/N: This is the first flashback chapter! Thanks for reading :)**

* * *

**Saturday. October 24th, 2020.**

* * *

Smoothing out the light wrinkles on the silk of the bodice of her dress, she entered the lightly decorated room, her slightly curled hair falling in cascades on her shoulders. The room was a sea of people, networking and socialising over finger food and alcoholic drinks. She hated these things. She was here to show her face, and then she'd probably go find the nearest bar with Cristina. Speaking of…

She spotted her friend stood by the bar with another from their intern class, Alex Karev. She went over to join them, only to earn a low whistle from Karev when he spotted her.

"Who knew you had a body under those scrubs?"

"Oh, shut it, Karev," she glared at him as Cristina passed her the drink she had waiting for her.

"What's your problem?" He chuckled, nudging her gently with his shoulder.

She waved him off as she sipped at her drink and turned to Cristina, "Right, how long are we staying for?"

Cristina looked at her watch before back up at her friend, who had already finished half of the drink in her hand.

"I'd say half an hour and we're good, just make sure Webber and Bailey see you. They already accosted me," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Great. Then to Joe's?" She asked before downing the rest of her drink, indicating to the bar tender for another.

"You know it," Cristina responded with a short laugh, her eyes focused on whatever was happening over Meredith's shoulder, "Do we know _that_ guy?"

Meredith furrowed her brow, following Cristina's gaze behind her to see the object of her questioning. Dark, tall, and handsome. Jet black hair with the slight peppering of grey, a five o'clock shadow on his face. She guessed he must be a few years older than herself. Her eyes drifted over his dark indigo suit, noting the way it fit his body snugly. And what a body it was. He clearly worked out, but not so much that he overdid it.

Her breath hitched in her throat a moment as quickly surveyed him. He stood talking with Webber and Bailey across the room, and she watched as they all shook hands. The interaction shed light on one very important aspect of the stranger, a silver band on his wedding finger.

Slight disappointment in his unattainability ran over her a moment, but it didn't stop the flash of an image in her mind of the stranger's hands gripping her waist, their naked bodies pressed together. The thought had her knees weakening slightly, and she shook the thought from her mind as she turned back to the bar, picking up her drink.

"I've never seen him before."

"You should definitely go for that," Cristina commented, forever meddling in Meredith's sexual encounters, and clearly picking up on Meredith's attraction toward him.

"He definitely looks like he'd be good… more than good."

Meredith simply shook her head, taking a sip of her drink before she spoke, "Wedding ring. Can't you see?"

"Damn, you don't miss a thing, do you? Well, here's to hoping he's having marital problems," Cristina joked, lifting her glass to Meredith who just laughed and clinked her glass against Cristina's whilst Karev just shook his head at them.

"You're both terrible, you know?"

"You're just as bad, Karev," Meredith rolled her eyes playfully at him.

"I can be bad for you, if you want, Grey," he teased back, giving her a quick wink.

"Oh, get off it, I know where you've been," she raised her eyebrows at him, referring to the incident back in their intern year with the nurse, and the syphilis.

"And on that note, I'm off to find a new intern to play with," he shook his head with a short laugh before turning around and walking off into the sea of people.

"He really is gross," Cristina commented, leaning back against the bar as the looked over the sea of people.

Well, Cristina did. Meredith couldn't stop looking over at the new stranger who still stood beside Webber. She only realised she was staring when his eyes lifted to meet hers, and she looked away quickly with a murmur, the straw of her drink between her teeth, "He has the right idea though. I need a new sex friend."

"What happened to the last one?" Cristina asked with a short laugh, eyeing her.

"What do you think?" She asked, cocking her head to the side with a slight smirk, "He wanted more, and got butt-hurt when I would blow him off for surgery," she explained with a shrug.

"This is the problem with having sex friends who aren't doctors, they just don't get it. You're lucky. You've got Hunt."

"Yeah, about that," Cristina rolled her eyes with a shrug, "He's getting clingy, might have to get rid."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Meredith laughed and moved her arm around Cristina's shoulders with a squeeze.

"Trust me on this, Mer. Don't sleep with a colleague. An attending at that," Cristina said as she laughed with her, finishing off her drink.

"Yeah, I won't be making _that_ mistake again," she shuddered slightly, thinking back to an encounter last year with a certain attending who had only stayed at the hospital for a few months. That was a wild few months. Hot, wild, but inevitably ended in disaster.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard her name being called by Richard Webber. She looked up and saw him waving her over. She finished her drink and swapped it out for the fresh one Cristina had waiting for her, "I guess I'll see you soon."

"Good luck," Cristina said with a laugh, waving her off.

Meredith walked over to Richard and his apparent new friend; Bailey no longer stood with them. She tightened her grip on the glass in her hand, slightly wishing the alcohol had had more of an effect on her by now. She plastered a grin on her face as she spoke to her Chief of Surgery, "Dr Webber."

He pulled her in for a half hug and kiss on the cheek, leaving his hand on her shoulder a moment as he held his other hand out to the handsome stranger, ready to introduce him, "Dr Grey, meet Dr Shepherd. He's the new head of neurosurgery I was telling you about. He starts on Monday."

Realisation hit her now, just now remembering earlier that day when Richard has stopped her in the hallway – _"Meredith, our new Head of Neurosurgery starts on Monday. He'll be at the fundraiser tonight; he'll be an excellent mentor for you. I'll make sure to introduce you."_

At the time he had told her, she was busy figuring out how to 'dump' her sex friend, if that's what you want to call it.

"Dr Shepherd," she held her hand out to him, giving him a genuine smile now, "it's nice to meet you."

When his hand took hers in a firm handshake, a shock of electricity shot up her arm, quite different to getting a electric shock, though. She'd never felt a connection like that before, but she shrugged it off, ignoring the feeling it gave her inside. His voice seemed to have the same effect.

"Ah, Dr Grey, the fifth year resident Richard can't shut up about," he gave her a bright grin, their hands holding for probably a moment longer than was socially acceptable.

Meredith gave a sideways glance to Richard as she retrieved her hand and he simply chuckled, "I'm allowed to brag about my best resident."

"You're biased," she commented, speaking to the fact that he had been her step-father since she was around 5 years old.

Richard just chuckled and shook his head, used to her comments like this. Derek just looked between them with a slight curiosity and she caught his eye, explaining herself, "Richard is my step-father."

He nodded at her in understanding, "Now that you say it, I've just made the connection. You're Ellis' daughter?"

"The one and only, well, besides Maggie," she said with a short laugh, taking a sip of her drink, "She's in her last year of med school."

"And where is Ellis tonight?" Derek asked her the question, but she looked to Richard to answer, having wondered it herself as she hadn't seen her yet that evening.

"She was called away to Boston this afternoon, if you'll excuse me I just need to call her to make sure her flight has landed," Richard grinned sheepishly, knowing Ellis wouldn't have informed Meredith of her emergency trip. He wasn't best when it came to the strained relationship between mother and daughter, both as stubborn as each other.

Meredith was left stood with the new head of Neurosurgery, and found herself finishing off her third drink, irked once more by one of her mother's urgent departures she failed to mention. You'd think she'd be used to it by now, but the lack of thought her mother seemed to give her never failed to anger her.

She sighed softly and looked to Dr Shepherd, "I'm going to get a refill. You coming?"

For someone who should be stereotypically arrogant and overly-confident, as she found most neurosurgeons where – and yes, this included herself – he seemed slightly nervous, although she couldn't figure out why.

"Oh, yes, lead the way," he gave her a polite smile, as though there was something else he wanted to say, but was choosing not to.

She walked ahead of him, and it may have been that over-arrogant side of her thinking this, but she could swear his eyes were on her ass the whole time.

"What are you drinking?" She asked him as they approached the bar, setting her empty glass down as she looked to him beside her, finding his gaze already on her.

"Single-malt scotch whiskey," there was a slight husk to the tone of his voice, but she tried to ignore it as she turned again to order their drinks.

"So, where have you come from?" She asked him, in an attempt at making conversation.

"Just moved from New York," he said, taking a sip of the drink that had been set in front of him.

"Why Seattle?" She raised an eyebrow, curious as to why anyone would leave such a beautiful city for…. Seattle.

He chucked and shook his head a little, "My whole family have asked me that question, in that exact way."

"Maybe that should tell you something," she said with a slight smirk, taking a sip from her glass.

"I needed a change," he started to explain, "and Richard offered me the opportunity."

"He has a habit for hoarding all the best talent, so you must be good at what you do," she commented, and as they sat talking it was like they were in their own little world sat at the bar, unaware of the people around them.

"And how did your wife feel about the move?" She asked, her eyes glancing to the ring on his finger.

"Let's just say, you can take a girl out of New York…" he raised his eyebrows as his voice trailed off, taking another sip of his drink before continuing, "She's fine as long as she has my money to spend. And she doesn't spend much time in Seattle anyway."

Meredith laughed softly and shook her head a little, "Marital problems? I couldn't relate."

"No man in your life then?" He asked, and she became suddenly aware of his proximity to her, their arms almost touching.

"Or woman," she said suggestively, a small smirk on her lips as she saw his eyes widen slightly at the suggestion.

He took a long sip of his drink before speaking again, clearly mulling over the information she'd just given him.

"I wonder where Richard has got to…" he mused.

She turned as a hand touched her shoulder, only to find Cristina stood there, "Mer, it's been half an hour, who's this?"

"Oh, right yeah. Cristina, this is Dr Shepherd," she gestured to him, "he's the new head of neurosurgery. Dr Shepherd, this is Dr Yang, she's a cardio resident."

"Great to meet you," Cristina nodded, and Meredith could sense her impatience, laughing a little against the rim of her glass, "Mer, are you ready to go?"

"Yeah, just need to check in with Richard before I leave," Meredith rolled her eyes as she finished off her drink.

"If you need to go, I'll let him know you've gone," Derek offered, and both girls turned to look at him.

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked, setting the glass down on the bar, eying him cautiously.

He chuckled softly and nodded, flashing his teeth in an amused grin, "Yeah, I'll see you Monday."

She locked eyes with him a moment before giving a slight nod.

"Okay, thanks. See you Monday," she gave him a small smile as Cristina took her arm, leading her out of the function room.

"Let's get you laid, Grey."


	3. Flashback: Derek's First Day

**A/N: This is a flashback that follows on from the previous flashback. Thanks for the reviews, favourites and follows, guys!**

* * *

**Monday, October 26th** **, 2020.**

* * *

Thankful she'd had Sunday off to recover from her night with Cristina on Saturday, Meredith walked through the halls of Seattle Grace hospital, having already changed into her scrubs in the residents' lounge. As she approached the neurology wing, she found Richard stood with the new Head of Neurosurgery.

She sipped at the takeaway coffee cup in her hand as she walked over to them, "Morning."

"Oh, Meredith," Richard turned to her, "Good morning. I was just giving Dr Shepherd a quick run down of the hospital. I'm glad you're here, I have to get going."

She nodded in response, sipping at her coffee again as she grabbed a chart from the nurses' station.

"Your mother tried to call you yesterday, try and call her back today," he said, slightly chastising.

"I knew I'd forgotten something," she muttered softly, and could sense he was looking at her so looked up, giving him a reassuring smile, "I will, I'll find time."

"I'll leave you to it, then," he smiled as he bid farewell to the two doctors and went on his way.

Derek turned to Meredith now, and she was dubious about the charming smile he wore as he spoke, "Dr Grey, I take it you'll be helping me find my way today then?"

"I'll definitely do my best," she gave him a small grin before looking back at the chart, her brow furrowing as she read through the information of her post-op from Saturday morning, her surgery with Dr Nelson.

"Everything okay?" He asked, moving closer to her as she held the chart to him.

"I need to go and check on this patient, his stats are dropping since his tumour resection on Saturday morning and Nelson is on leave, not that he would be of any use anyway," she muttered the last part, rolling her eyes.

"Come on, then, lead the way," he passed the chart back to her and she nodded, leading him through to the post-op ward.

* * *

She walked out of the OR with him, pulling off the gown, mask, and gloves, throwing them in the waste bin before scrubbing out, stood beside him as he did the same.

"Good work in there, Dr Grey, Webber wasn't wrong when he said you were the best," Derek commented, turning his head to smile at her.

"I never said he was wrong, I said he was biased," she pointed out, laughing softly, "and you're not so bad yourself."

"I should hope so, otherwise I'd be in the wrong job," he joked back, drying off his hands.

She laughed softly as they walked out the scrub room and she pulled out her phone as it chimed with a new page, "I'm wanted for a consult in the pit."

"I'll join you, don't want to get myself lost without you to guide me now," he teased, smirking at her.

"I'm sure the patient will be happy to know they have the head of neurosurgery coming to see them, they'd be honoured," she teased back, finding the banter between them easy as they headed to the ER.

As they entered the ER, Dr Hunt spotted Meredith straight away, calling her over to trauma room one. She pulled on a yellow trauma gown and a pair of gloves, indicating for Derek to follow suit before they went in.

"Whats happening, Dr Hunt?" She asked as she walked over to the patient.

"12-year old girl, fell off her bike and hit her head on the pavement, additional broken femur being seen to by Torres, who's this with you?" He asked as Meredith started her evaluation of the patient, doing the routine neurological checks.

"Oh, this is Dr Derek Shepherd, new head of Neurosurgery," she glanced up at Derek and gestured toward Owen, "This is Dr Owen Hunt, head of trauma."

As the two men introduced themselves to each other, Meredith focused on her work, making a quick assessment of the young girl on the table.

"Order a CT, possible brain bleed," she spoke to the intern in the room, "We'll have to assess before we decide on a course of action."

Derek watched, intrigued as the fifth year resident seemingly took charge of the situation. She looked up to him, sensing his gaze on her as she worked, writing notes in the patient's chart.

"Did you want to check over the patient, Dr Shepherd?"

"You seem to have control of the situation, I'll just observe for now," he nodded for her to continue.

"Okay, I'm going to call up to CT and let them know she's on her way," she said to Hunt who nodded in response, instructing one of the interns to get the patient ready for transport as Meredith left the trauma room, binning her gloves and gown, and headed over to the workstation, finding Cristina sat there.

"What are you hanging around here for?" She asked her, dialling up to CT with the phone against her ear, waiting for someone to pick up.

"I'm trolling for cases," Cristina shrugged, sat in the chair with one leg up against her, "What are you up to?"

"I'm doing my job," Meredith grinned at her as one of the CT staff answered the phone, and she relayed her message to them with the patient details.

"Thanks, I'll be up shortly," she told them before hanging up the phone.

"How's the new boss?" Cristina asked, an eyebrow raised in intrigue.

"He's… watchful," her brow furrowed and she tilted her head to the side toward where Derek and Owen stood together talking.

"Damn, he isn't taking his eyes off you," Cristina grinned with mischief, a glint in her eye, "We both know why that is."

"It couldn't just be because he's my new boss and he's observing me?" Meredith shook her head with a small laugh at Cristina's insinuation.

"Altman doesn't look at me like that," Cristina pointed out, smirking at her friend, "You know who looked at you like that last time… _Addison_."

"This conversation is over," Meredith told her with a tight smile, closing the chart she was holding.

"You know I'm right," Cristina shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest. Meredith simply shook her head and walked away, not wishing to bring up that particular avenue of her past.

She walked over to Hunt who acknowledged her with a nod before speaking, "She's on her way up, Grey."

"Great, thanks," she gave him a small smile, half wondering when Cristina was going to follow through on her promise from Saturday night and ditch him. Surely he wouldn't be so agreeable with her now if it had already been done.

She looked to Dr Shepherd to address him now, "Are you staying here or coming with?"

"I think I'll come with you, Dr Grey," he nodded, smiling at her, "See you around, Hunt."

Still irked from Cristina's comment, Meredith was quiet as they made their way up to CT, tapping away at her phone to compose an email to her mother. Hopefully this would be better than having to phone her.

Derek stayed quiet beside her as they rode the elevator up, and Meredith could feel a slight tension in the air between them, although she couldn't quite place the source of the tension.

She sent off the email to her mother and slid the phone back in her pocket before alighting the elevator, Derek walking beside her as she pulled the tie out of her hair and refastened it into a tighter ponytail whilst walking.

"And here is CT…" she gestured toward the room as they approached, announcing their arrival to him.

"You're really good at tour guiding, you know," he teased her again, and she was getting a bit dubious as to whether he spoke with all his inferior colleagues like this, or if there was some truth to Cristina's observations.

"I do my best," she said with a quick smile before they walked in the room. She stood beside the radiologist looking at the scan that had just come up on the screen, "How's it looking?"

"Definitely a bleed, Grey," the tech answered, pointing it out on the scan and Meredith nodded in agreement.

"We'll need to evacuate that, I think," she mused, memorising the scan a moment before going to step back, only realising at the last second how close Derek was stood to her, and she walked back against him

His hands steadied her on instinct as she muttered, "Oh, crap, sorry. I didn't realise how close you were."

"No worries," he spoke in a low voice, holding her arms a little longer than necessary before she moved away, pulling her phone out to book the OR.

He followed her out into the hallway as she waited for the call to connect, addressing him again, "I assume you'll be the attending on the case?"

He nodded in confirmation, a slight darkness to his blue iris' and she shifted her gaze from him to avoid distraction when the phone picked up, and she booked the OR for them.

"DeLuca, take her straight to pre-op, and scrub in. We'll have an OR ready in 20 minutes," she told the intern as she caught him with her patient just as they were transporting her out of the CT room

The intern nodded, his eyes lingering on Meredith a little longer than they should have, only to turn away when she gave him a slight glare.

"Right away, Dr Grey," he rushed out his words as he turned and continued to take the patient down to pre-op.

"Are you sure you're only a fifth year resident?" Derek asked, slightly amused.

"What makes you say that?" She asked, an eyebrow raised as they made their way to elevator, stepping on to it together.

"Everyone listens to you as though you were an attending, or at least a fellow. You know as much as I'd expect a fellow to know by the end of their fellowship, you're advanced," he explained, his eyes on her as they rode the elevator.

"It's called respect, Dr Shepherd. I've worked hard to get it," she smiled a little, taking the compliment from him.

"And that's not because of your mother?" He asked, and she couldn't tell if he'd said it with the intention of annoying her, or just out of curiosity.

Her smile dropped and she looked ahead, away from him, "My mother has nothing to do with it."

"I'm sorry, I didn't meant to…" he started to say but she cut him off.

"It's fine," she shook her head, her arms crossing over her chest, the elevator feeling like it was taking forever to reach the lobby, "I'm grabbing coffee. What do you drink?"

"Black coffee, no sugar," he told her as the doors opened and she led him over to the coffee cart at the front of the building.

"Why didn't we just get it from the canteen? Is that not closer?" He questioned, confused at her actions.

"This is the good coffee," she smirked as they approached the cart and she turned to the barista, who she knew well, "Black coffee, no sugar, caramel macchiato, my usual. Any gossip updates, Damon?"

"Nothing more than your new friend here," the male barista said, tilting his head in Derek's direction as he started getting their drinks together.

"And what are people saying about my new friend?" Meredith smirked, pulling out cash for the drinks.

"Tall, mysterious, devilishly handsome," Damon grinned back at her with a wink as he passed the drinks over, and before Meredith could hand the cash over, Derek had already paid for the drinks.

"And generous too, apparently," Damon added.

"Hm, apparently so," Meredith commented, raising an eyebrow at Derek as she took her drink, putting the money back in her lab coat.

"Gotta run, I'll see you afterwards for more caffeine."

"I look forward to it, Meredith," he grinned at her before they walked away.

They re-entered the elevator to make their way to the OR floor, and Derek looked to Meredith, "You're on first name basis with the coffee cart barista?"

"It's that respect thing I was telling you about," she winked playfully as she took a sip of her coffee.

He chuckled softly as he drank his own coffee, falling into step with her as they got off the elevator and made their way to the scheduled OR room.

Meredith downed the rest of her coffee, a practice she had pretty much perfected since the start of her internship. She threw the empty cup in the bin before going into the scrub room to prepare herself for the surgery.

"Talk me through the steps of the surgery," he said to her as they scrubbed in next to each other.

She relayed the steps as she tied a mask over her face and finished scrubbing, continuing to talk through the steps in detail, along with possible complications and what she would do, as they entered the OR and put gowns and gloves on.

"Okay, I want you to be lead surgeon. I'll be right next to you, as your first assist, but I want you to take point, show me what you've got and see your patient through to the end," he told her, locking eyes with her to show he was being serious.

"Okay," she nodded in acknowledgement as she took her position as lead surgeon and he moved beside her as her first assist.

She could feel his eyes on her every movement throughout the surgery, watching each decisive action she took to evacuate the bleed and avoid any complications.

He barely guided her, only questioning her now and again on approaches she took. He took the liberty of asking questions of the intern that had joined them, Dr DeLuca, and answering any questions he had, to allow Meredith to focus on the surgery itself.

"Good work in there, Grey," Derek said to her once the surgery had come to a successful end and they were in the scrub room again.

"Thanks," she said, drying her hands with a smile, "I'm going to speak to the family and grab some lunch before I go check on the patient, and I'll get the post-op notes done."

"Leaving me to fend for myself?" He asked as they left the scrub room, feigning hurt.

"You're a big boy, Dr Shepherd, I'm sure you can handle yourself," she teased, finding herself flirting with him almost.

"You have no idea, Dr Grey," he spoke low with a slight husk to his voice.

She looked to him, raising an eyebrow, but before she could speak an annoyingly high-pitched voice invaded her ears, "Derek!"

They both turned to the source of the noise, and Meredith swore she saw a slight grimace on his face before he composed himself, approaching the tall brunette who stood with one hand on her hip expectantly. Meredith was surprised she hadn't broken an ankle in the heels she wore.

She stood to one side as Derek spoke, his voice sounding strained almost.

"Megan, what are you doing here?"

"Can't I visit my husband on his first day of work?" She exclaimed, moving in to kiss him, but Meredith noticed when he shifted his head so that the kiss landed on his cheek.

"Dr Shepherd, I need to…" Meredith said to him, not bothering if she was interrupting the pair, she'd interrupted them first anyway.

"Of course, Dr Grey, go ahead," he smiled toward her, "I'll catch up with you later."

She turned on her heel, walking away from the 'happy' couple, ready to go and speak to the family of her patient. She knew it would be difficult to do, it always was when children were involved.

She tried to keep her thoughts from wandering to the interaction she'd just witnessed and focus on what was important. Her patients and her job. She shouldn't waste her energy thinking about a particular married man who would have no interest in her anyway.


	4. Flashback: You Drive Me Crazy

**A/N: This is the last flashback before going back the 'present' story-line. Thanks for all the positive feedback so far!**

* * *

**Wednesday, 17th November 2020**

* * *

It had been a few weeks now since Derek had started at Seattle Grace, and he'd quickly found his footing as both Head of Neurosurgery and as Meredith's mentor. They had just finished another surgery together that morning, a corpus callosotomy where Meredith had taken the lead again.

She followed him into his office, closing the door behind her before sitting in one of the chairs at the small meeting table, opening up the chart she'd brought with her to update from the surgery. She pulled her one leg up on the chair as she wrote the notes.

"Comfortable there, Dr Grey?" She looked up to find Derek leaning against his desk, arms crossed over his chest with a slight smirk on his lips.

"I am, is that okay with you?" She grinned back at him, playing with the end of her pen between her teeth as she raised an eyebrow with him.

In response he mumbled something inaudible under his breath as he shook his head, a slight chuckle escaping him as he walked round his desk and sat in his chair, busying himself with paperwork. They sat in a comfortable silence as they focused on their respective tasks. Although, when Meredith would glance up, she could swear Derek had been staring at her.

She shook it off, ignored it. She'd felt him staring at her on numerous occasions over the past few weeks, but she couldn't figure out why he was staring at her so intently, unless Cristina was right.

Eventually, she finished her post-op notes and closed the chart, standing up from the chair and stretching out. She looked over to Derek who was signing off some paperwork still, and she found herself involuntarily biting her lip as she watched him. She needed to get a grip. He was _married._

"Leaving already?" He asked, looking up at her as she looked away, realising she had been staring now, and picked up the chart off the table.

"Yeah, I have to meet the interns for rounds in half an hour," she told him, giving him a quick smile before heading over to the door.

Before she could touch the door handle, he walked around her to the door, securing it before turning back to her, his eyes locking with hers, and she saw the blue iris of his eyes darken as he moved closer to her.

He took the chart from her, setting it back on the table, and his voice had a slight husk to it as he spoke, "You're driving me crazy, Meredith Grey."

Her hand moved to her hip as she shifted her weight on to one leg, watching him as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned his collar.

"I don't see how," she spoke in a quiet voice, gently biting her lower lip.

"Do you really not? Or am I reading this all wrong?" He moved again, closer to her, their bodies inches from touching one another.

"Derek, you're married…" she murmured softly, crossing her arms over her chest as she broke from his gaze, looking down at the floor and stepping back from his advance, only to realise his desk was right behind her, blocking her from moving any further backwards.

His hand reached out and touched her elbow, her eyes snapping back up to look at him again as he did so. He closed the distance between them, speaking in a low voice still, "That's not for you to worry about."

He gently pulled at her elbow so that her arms uncrossed, and his hand came to rest on her waist causing her breath to hitch slightly at the closer contact, his body seconds away from pressing against hers as she tried to formulate her next words.

"I'm not… I don't…"

"Shh…" he used his free hand to cup her cheek, tilting her head up slightly as his lips came down against hers in a soft kiss.

The touch of his lips on hers was nothing she had ever felt before, and she returned the kiss almost instantly as though her body was working of its own volition. She knew it was wrong. Her mind was screaming that it was wrong. But it felt so right, and it didn't stop her from sliding one hand over his shoulder, her other hand gripping the front of his lab coat as their kiss deepened, becoming more forceful, more needy.

Before she could respond, he used one arm around her waist to lift her on to the edge of the desk as their kisses continued, her lips parting on his as one hand slipped into her hair with a gentle grip. Her legs secured themselves around his waist as he pressed his hips against hers and they both groaned softly at the pressure.

Their lips parted and he proceeded to move his lips down her neck in kisses, his teeth slightly grazing her skin, eliciting soft moans from Meredith, her head tilted back as she felt the heat rise up in her.

His lips returned to hers as his hands pushed her lab coat off her shoulders and down her arms as she did the same with his, their lips staying connected the whole time.

"I need to be inside you," he murmured against her lips with a slight groan, and she could feel his hard length pressing against her thigh.

"Dr Shepherd," she whispered against his lips, as his hands wandered up underneath her scrub top.

"Meredith…" he murmured, moving his lips down her neck again, "Don't tell me it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel good?"

"It feels amazing," she breathed out as her head tilted back and he removed her scrub top, dropping it to the floor before returning his hands to explore her skin, melting any resolve she may have mustered up.

His hand cupped her breast over the lace bra she wore as his lips wandered down the valley between her breasts and she kicked off her trainers, tightening her legs around his waist so that their hips pressed more firmly together.

"This is even better than I ever imagined," he murmured against her skin, one hand pulling at her scrub pants and she lifted herself slightly so that he could pull them down and she consequently kicked them off, naked except her underwear now.

As his lips moved down her abdomen, he lay her back on the desk, and her eyes closed as she focused on the sensation of his lips against her. His teeth grazed over her skin every now and again until he reached the lining of her panties, and she was briefly thankful she'd worn nice underwear today, almost as if she expected something like this to happen.

Maybe she had been purposefully wearing her nicer underwear more often since he'd started at the hospital.

His hands drifted up her thighs, hooking his fingers into her panties as he pulled them down, kissing further down over her pussy and she moaned out softly at the touch, which apparently spurred him on even further as the tip of his tongue teased her clit.

He lifted her legs over his shoulders as the movements of his tongue became more deliberate and the shocks of pleasure rushing through her had her gripping her fingers into his hair, moaning out loud as she gave herself over to him, forgetting where they were and what they were supposed to be doing.

Her hips lifted up off the desk slightly as he slid two fingers inside her soaked pussy, pushing them deep inside her as she moaned out his name now, the tightness in her abdomen indicating she was close to releasing her orgasm.

It didn't take long, between his sucking of her clit and the curling of his fingers inside her, until she lost all control, moaning out loud as she hit her climax. His fingers were replaced by his tongue as he tasted her orgasm and she felt a soft hum of pleasure vibrating against her pussy from his lips.

While she was lost in the haze of her orgasm, he moved his lips back to hers and pulled her up against him, letting her taste herself on his lips as she returned his deep, passion filled kiss.

She could feel him press harder against her now, and she unfastened his pants before sliding her hand under his boxers to grip his length, lubricating her movements with the pre-cum that was already dripping from his tip. He groaned into the kiss, not even parting their lips for a moment as he took his shirt off, and the increased skin on skin contact spurred on Meredith's movements.

He unhooked her bra and she let it fall to the floor, releasing his length as she pushed down both his pants and boxers together. His hands gripped her ass as he pulled her forward against him, his throbbing length now pressed bare against her soaked pussy as he kicked off the pants, and his lips attacked her neck with a soft murmur.

"I need you, Meredith, I need you now."

She moaned softly as he sucked on the hollow of her neck, and the words left her mouth before she even had a chance to think about it.

"Take me, Derek."

Almost immediately, his dick thrust between her tight walls, and a gasp left her lips at the sudden force, her hands gripping his shoulders for stability as he paused inside her a moment, his face buried in her neck.

After a short pause, Meredith found herself moving against him, desperate for the pleasurable friction inside of her and he quickly caught on, slowly moving himself between her tight walls, letting her feel every inch of him deep inside her.

Gradually, his movements became quicker as the sound of their moans mixed together and her fingernails started to dig into the skin over his shoulders, and all she could think about was the building pleasure that shook through her, the retightening of her abdomen at the inevitable second orgasm that was due to come.

"You feel so good, Meredith," he moaned against her neck before moving his lips back to hers, desperate for as much connection with her as possible.

Her legs tightened around him as she felt her body tensing, close to being pushed over the edge again as she felt him throbbing inside her, desperate for release that she realised he was holding off until she was ready to come again.

All of a sudden, as quickly as they had started, Meredith was coming undone around him, pulling her lips back from his as she tilted her head back, moaning out his name as she came round him. Her climax ripped through each nerve of her body, the pleasure only increasing as she felt him release inside of her, also moaning out her name repeatedly.

Both were breathing heavily and clinging on to each other, Meredith's forehead against his shoulder, coming down off their respective highs when their post-sex bliss was interrupted by both of their phones going off with a page at the same time.

"Crap," Meredith muttered breathlessly as he pulled back from her, and she slid off the desk, rushing to pull her clothes back on before grabbing her phone out of the pocket of her lab coat.

"We need to go," Derek murmured, having cleaned himself up and was now dressing himself at the same time. He looked at her, running his hand through his hair as he began to speak.

"Meredith…"

"No, no we need to go," she shook her head, holding a hand up to him.

She was grateful for the page, aiding her with her avoidance of having to talk with him about what had just happened. She dragged her hair up into a ponytail once she was fully dressed and headed for the door, not looking at him as she pulled on the door, momentarily forgetting it was locked. He came up behind her, his hand moving around her to unlock the door.

"Thanks…" she muttered before pulling open the door and heading down the hallway ahead of him to the elevator, ready to head down to the ER where they had been paged to.

He strode up beside her as she waited, seemingly a lot calmer than Meredith felt. They both stepped on to the empty elevator and he turned to her, "Can we talk about this?"

"Not now," she said, short and avoiding looking at him as she focused on the closed elevator doors in front of her.

"Later?" He asked, hopeful.

She simply shrugged and didn't say anything as she stepped off the elevator ahead of him, pulling on a trauma gown and grabbing some gloves as she went into the ER, ignoring the pleasurable ache between her legs.

"Mass casualty, all hands on deck!" She heard Owen shouting towards them and she headed straight out to the ambulance bay where Cristina was already waiting for the first ambulance to come in.

"You okay?" Cristina asked her, noting the distracted expression on Meredith's face as she came up next to her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Meredith said, forcing a smile toward her person, and should have known better than to think that Cristina would fall for the lie.

"Yeah, right," Cristina snorted, but before Meredith could retort, the first ambulance pulled up and they were put to work.

* * *

"What did you do?"

Cristina's question snapped her out of her own thoughts. She sat on the bench in the residents' lounge, her elbow on her knee and her chin resting in her palm. Her gaze averted from the carpeted floor to Cristina, raising an eyebrow as she tried to feign innocence, "What makes you think _I_ did anything?"

Cristina scoffed and crossed her arms, shifting her weight into one leg as she looked at Meredith, sussing her out, "Because you have guilt written all over your face, and you've been avoiding Shepherd like the plague."

Meredith groaned softly and lay back on the bench, one arm draped over her forehead and murmured inaudibly, closing her eyes.

"What was that?" Cristina asked, moving to stand over her.

Meredith's eyes snapped open and glared at her friend as she spoke, "We… we fucked in his office."

"Meredith! That breaks at least three rules," Cristina scolded her, and Meredith just rolled her eyes before closing them again, Cristina counting out said rules on her fingers as she spoke.

"Don't sleep with a colleague, definitely don't sleep with an attending, and leave the married men alone! You should have learned two out of three of those things from _me."_

"I know, Cristina. Don't you think I know?" Meredith sat up again now, pulling one leg up against her body and hugging it with her arm, her forehead against her knee.

"How was it though?" Cristina asked curiously, sitting beside her on the wooden bench.

Meredith turned her head to glare at her friend but conceded to answering the question anyway.

"Mind-blowing. Best I've ever… maybe even better than _her."_

Cristina's eyes widened slightly, and Meredith knew why. She never willingly brought _her_ up, there's been no-one better since _her._

"Right, we need to get you a new sex friend. There's always better out there, preferably an unmarried better."

"In Joe's? No chance, I'll end up sleeping with a board member knowing my luck," Meredith jokingly muttered.

"I've seen them, and they're all old, unattractive white men who probably have tiny dicks. We'll find someone, just you watch," Cristina said as bluntly as usual. She grabbed Meredith's arm and pulled her to stand up.

"Get dressed. We're going."

"Fine," she muttered, standing as she stripped off her scrub top and pants, not really thinking about or even caring if someone were to walk in.

Cristina cleared her throat and Meredith looked up to her with a furrowed brow before following her gaze to the door, seeing Derek stood there slightly awkwardly, more so for the fact that Cristina was there as well. Meredith wasn't easily embarrassed anymore. At least she wouldn't let anyone else know she was embarrassed.

"What can I do for you, Dr Shepherd?" She asked, keeping a straight face.

She could tell he was inebriated by her appearance, stood only in her underwear, and her eyes involuntarily flickered down his body until her gaze rested on his crotch, seeing the outline of his dick stretched against the denim. She bit her lip and looked back up at him as he spoke.

"Dr Grey, I, uh, I was hoping we could _talk."_

She knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. So did Cristina, who quickly left the room with only an, "I'll see you at Joe's."

Derek locked the door behind him once Cristina was gone so that they wouldn't be interrupted, closing the blinds from any prying eyes, before moving closer to her, clearly unable to control the wandering of his gaze, "I was hoping we could talk about earlier."

"It shouldn't have happened," she said quickly, pulling her jeans on, "We should just forget that anything…"

He cut her off, taking her arm as he spoke, "Meredith, don't say that. I don't regret what we did. Not for a moment. It was… amazing."

"Derek," she pulled her arm from his hold before reaching to unfold her blouse, ready to put it on as she continued.

"You're my mentor, my boss, and you're _married_."

"And if I wasn't any of those things?" He asked, his voice dropping an octave as he took the blouse from her, dropping it on the wooden bench and slowly backing her up against her cubby, dangerously close to her.

"It doesn't matter," she muttered, "You're all of those things."

"What if I had a proposition for you? Can't you separate the personal from the professional? Maybe I can teach you," he suggested, raising an eyebrow as he rested one arm on the wooden cupboard beside her head, leaning into her.

"Dr Shepherd, this is highly unprofessional," she breathed out, her heart racing from his mere proximity, able to feel his warm breath on her skin.

"Separate the professional from the personal then," he murmured, his lips close to her ear now.

"Hear me out. I have needs, and I know you have them too. Just sex. No strings attached, no commitment. Scratching an itch. A bit of fun between two consenting adults."

"I don't know," she found herself struggling to catch her breath, undeniably turned on as his hand rested on her waist with a gentle grip, his hips pressed against hers slightly.

"Think about it," he murmured still, his lips hovering close to hers now, "There's no hard feelings if you say no, nothing will change in work. Just have a good…" he pressed a kiss to her lips, "long…" he pressed a kiss to just below her chin now, "hard…" and he murmured against her collarbone, "think about it."

Her eyes closed, and instinctively, she wanted nothing more than to reach her hands to grab his shirt and let him have his way with her, but she had to have some self-control, right?

Clearly sensing her indecision still, Derek chuckled softly as he stepped back from her, unfastening his top button and looking at her as though she stood fully naked in front of him.

"I'll be at Joe's later, when you do decide what you want to do," he grinned triumphantly, fully aware of the effect he had on her. He winked playfully before turning around and he walked out of the room, Meredith's gaze fixed on his retreating figure.

It took Meredith a moment to collect herself before grabbing her blouse, and she rushed to put it on, knowing Cristina would be waiting to hear just how well _that_ went. A frustrated sigh escaped her as she pulled her shoes back on and grabbed her bag, heading out of the hospital as fast as she could to get to Joe's. To see Cristina. To see _him?_

She didn't have a clue what she was going to do. She could just give in to temptation and play with the devil, or she could play it safe and find someone _safe_ to mess around with. But, oh, he was _so good_ to mess around with. And when did Meredith Grey ever play anything safe?

When she walked into Joe's, Cristina had two shots of tequila ready and waiting for her. Exactly what she needed.


	5. Addison Arrives

**A/N: This chapter follows on from Chapter 1. Thanks for all the positive reviews and feedback so far! My next update may take some time, I've slightly changed my original plan for this story and I'm rewriting and adding in a few more chapters before I continue with pre-written chapters. I may post a flashback or two in the meantime while I work on it! If there is any specific flashback anyone wants to see, I will take suggestions haha. If anyone is wondering about Megan, all I'll say is that more about her will be revealed in due time through the flashbacks.**

**Whilst I do appreciate constructive feedback, I don't appreciate negative comments. If you don't like the direction of the story or the pairings within please just don't read. I can't say what endgame this story will be because that would spoil the story and I don't even know for sure myself yet! The title of the story and the song it's based on explains the general theme of the story.**

**If you do keep reading, thanks for reading and I hope people are enjoying it!**

* * *

**Monday, 17th** **May 2021.**

* * *

**7:00am.**

The hospital was quiet that morning when she arrived half an hour before her shift started. The hallways were clear, bar a few night nurses at the work stations finishing up and the beeping of various monitors and machines coming from the patient rooms.

She made her way straight to the residents' lounge, setting her back down on the bench as she grabbed herself a fresh pair of scrubs. Not caring if someone might walk in, she stripped off her jeans to pull the scrub pants on. Just as she pulled her jumper off, she heard the clock of the door opening, freezing slightly when she saw who was standing there.

"Meredith, I saw you walk in here…" the door closed behind the red-haired woman and her heels clicked against the hard linoleum floor as she walked over to where Meredith stood, still topless in only her bra.

"Addison," Meredith breathed out, eyeing up the woman as she came closer, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here by patient request," she said with a small smile, "I was going to let you know, but I figured it could be a surprise."

"Well I'm definitely surprised," Meredith replies as she pulled her scrub top over her head and raked her hair up into a ponytail.

"Good," Addison laughed softly, crossing her arms over her chest as she shifted her weight onto one leg, watching Meredith pull on her lab coat, "How have you been?"

"I'm fine," she shrugged with a half-smile, not telling a total lie, but not telling the whole truth either, and she hoped Addison wouldn't notice.

"How have you been?"

"Meredith Grey, always _fine_ ," Addison shook her head with a soft laugh, "I found someone."

"I'm glad," Meredith said, earnestly meaning it. She definitely wasn't the commitment type herself and that had never been enough for Addison, who definitely was.

"You deserve to find someone good. Are they good to you?"

"He's good to me, ready to settle down. Start a family. I assume you still don't do that kind of thing?" Addison narrowed her eyes at Meredith as she spoke.

"You assume correctly," Meredith confirmed, clipping her pager to the waistband of her pants before turning to Addison again, "I need to get to rounds."

"I'll join you, I'm heading to the surgical floor now anyway," Addison said as she stepped to the side for Meredith to lead the way, who didn't dispute the company, walking out the room with Addison a little too close beside her maybe as they headed toward the elevator.

"So, tell me about this guy," Meredith asked as she leant against the wall of the elevator, her hands behind her back as she avoided running her eyes over Addison, who never missed any of her looks or tricks.

"He's a guy, he loves me, but… he's a guy," Addison laughed softly, giving Meredith a pointed look, reminding her of their first conversation, when they had met in the bar. Both drinking into the night at Joe's and sharing horror stories of their experience with men.

Addison moved closer to her then, and Meredith's eyes flickered to her lip, watching it trapped between her teeth.

"Addison… we can't," Meredith warned, lowering her gaze to the floor as the elevator came to a halt. She pushed herself off the wall and walked out of the elevator ahead of her, hearing the clicking of Addison's heels behind her.

"Meredith, wait..." Addison called after her, trying to keep up with Meredith's quick walk, "Can we just talk?"

Meredith spotted Derek waiting down the hall with their coffee, by the nurses' station they normally met at. She turned on her heel and Addison almost walked right into her, which could have caused Meredith to completely lose her demeanour.

"Addison, we'll talk later. Now is not a good time, okay? I have to get to work," Meredith pleaded, crossing her arms across her chest. Addison only moved closer, pushing a loose strand of hair behind Meredith's ear as she spoke.

"I miss you. I thought maybe you'd changed your mind, I was hoping…" she trailed off, and Meredith stepped back again to keep distance between them, ignoring the ache she felt to feel her touch again.

"Addie, we need to talk about this later, not now," she muttered, but realised Addison had become distracted by something, or rather someone, over Meredith's shoulder.

"Is that Derek Shepherd?" She asked, pointing towards Derek, and moving around a confused Meredith to head towards him.

Meredith rolled her eyes and followed behind Addison, noticing Derek had spotted them both and was equally as confused as Meredith, but for different reasons. She heard his voice as she came up behind Addison.

"Addison Montgomery? Is that you?"

"Derek! How are you?" She grinned, pulling him into a hug.

Derek looked at Meredith over Addison's shoulder, raising an eyebrow at her. Meredith just shrugged, avoiding Derek's gaze, and picked up her coffee off the side.

"I'm good, Addison, what are you doing here? I haven't seen you since Mount Sinai," he asked, pulling back to look at her, "You're looking well."

As the two old friends caught up, Meredith sipped on the coffee Derek had brought her and looked through the charts already out ready for rounds. Or at least that's what she pretended to do.

This was a weird experience for her. Her current love and her previous lover, who seemed to want her back, both having known each other before they knew Meredith, and neither having any idea of the effect they had on Meredith. She felt her stomach tightening again, anxiety coupled with arousal at various fantasised images and actual memories flashing through her mind. She lowered her head, hoping neither would see the blush that has started to rise in her cheeks, a telltale effect of her arousal.

"A former patient of mine requested for me to come here to treat them, I worked here three years ago. after New York, but left after six months to go to California," she explained, glancing over at Meredith who still avoided her gaze, looking through one of the charts Derek had left out for rounds.

There was something about Meredith's behaviour around Derek that Addison couldn't quite put her finger on, something Meredith wasn't telling her. As much as Meredith tried to hide it, Addison wasn't a fool when it came to Meredith, and started piecing together the limited information she held in her mind.

She looked back to Derek, keeping Meredith in her eyesight as she spoke, "How's Megan?"

Meredith's eyes snapped up, and she froze, the chart she held falling to the floor with a clatter.

"Crap," she muttered, kneeling to pick it up off the floor, along with the loose papers, feeling two pairs of eyes on her as she did so.

"Everything okay, Dr Grey?" Derek asked, a hint of concern in his voice.

When she nodded, standing up straight, Derek turned back to Addison to answer her question, but also making sure Meredith could hear what he had to say in response to Addison.

"Megan is fine, she left for Paris this morning."

"Still constantly away on your dime, then?" Addison teased, still eyeing Meredith's reaction.

"It would seem so," Derek gave her a tight smile, not wanting to really speak much more about the woman in front of Meredith.

"Right, we have work to do," he clasped his hands together as he turned to Meredith and she picked up the charts in one arm, holding her coffee with her free hand.

"Find me at lunch and we can catch up some more, Addison."

"Definitely. And I'll catch up with you later, Meredith?" Addison asked her as she walked over, reaching her hand to touch Meredith's arm, then leaning forward to whisper in her ear.

"I know that look, I used to cause that look. You have some explaining to do."

Meredith nodded, feeling a slight blush raise in her cheeks and involuntarily squeezed her thighs together slightly at the sensation of Addison's familiar warm breath against her skin. She swallowed a little as Addison pulled back.

"See you later," Addison said to her, as though it hadn't looked like she'd just been whispering far too close to Meredith's ear for them to be seen as ever being just friends, especially judging by the look Meredith knew had overcome her expression.

"Bye, Addison," Meredith breathed out, still feeling anxious but now only because of the conversation she knew she would be having with Addison later on. And that Derek had just been watching their exchange.

Once Addison had walked away, Derek moved closer to her, taking the spot where Addison had just been standing far too close for public inspection, one eyebrow raised.

"What was that about?" She watched as realisation dawned on his face.

"Wait, Addison is… Addison," he breathed out.

"You know, we should really get started on rounds," she said quickly, in full avoidance mode, "We have surgery in two hours."

"Meredith…" he murmured, looking after her as she started walking ahead of him.

The way he said her name as he followed her onto the ward, it did things to her. But now was neither the time nor the place to think about those things.

* * *

**01:55pm.**

She stood in front of the OR board, hoping to gauge some clue as to where she could find Cristina, the one person she needed to talk to right now, when a familiar presence came up beside her.

"Do you have time to talk now?" A soft, feminine voice spoke, as she felt the gentle touch on her lower back.

She daren't turn to look at the woman, keeping her eyes fixed on the OR board as she tried not to think about the touch.

"Come with me," she muttered softly, pulling away from the red-head's touch as she led her to the nearest on-call room, ignoring the looks of prying eyes who had already been partially privy to their affair almost three years ago, during her second year of residency.

Once in the room, she locked the door behind them and immediately felt Addison's lips on hers, her hands holding Meredith's hips against the closed door as their bodies pressed together.

Meredith couldn't help herself, immediately returning the kiss as it ignited a passion inside her, heat pooling between her thighs. She felt Addison's slender fingers slide under the elastic waistband of her light blue scrub pants, in response sliding her tongue over Addison's lower lip, craving the taste of her once more after all this time.

"Addison," she moaned softly, feeling Addison's fingers inch towards her pulsating clit, already feeling herself drenched with arousal and ready for her touch.

Her eyes snapped open to watch Addison as her lips pulled away, catching the desire in Addison's eyes as she lowered to her knees in front of Meredith, pulling down the scrub pants as she went. A soft moan escaped Meredith's lips at the contact of the cold air against her wet skin, quickly followed by the tingling of Addison's warm breath taking over.

Meredith found her head tilting back against the wooden door, one hand sliding into Addison's hair as she felt the light touch of her former lover's tongue against her sensitive spot, a series of soft moans escaping her lips once more.

Her hips flinched forward slightly as she demanded more contact, pulling Addison's hair slightly between her fingers as the heat rose within her.

Gasping softly, she felt a single finger slide inside her, curling slightly deep within her walls and sending juices spilling down Addison's wrist and along Meredith's inner thigh.

Addison's tongue moved quicker, and a second finger slid inside, Meredith's hips moving forward against the movements inside her as she felt her climax building quickly. Sensing the impending orgasm, Addison slid out her fingers and replaced them with her tongue, using her fingers to rub Meredith's clit as her tongue stimulated her orgasm further.

Meredith tightened her grip on Addison's hair as she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the full force of her orgasm ripping through her body with a loud moan as her come spilled over Addison's tongue, and Addison licked every inch of her pussy.

Breathing heavy, she released Addison's hair, leaning back against the wall as Addison pressed soft kisses over Meredith's inner thigh, sliding her tongue over the wetness that had dripped down.

"Fuck, Addison… we were supposed to talk," Meredith muttered breathlessly.

"I just couldn't help myself, lover," Addison murmured as she stood again in front of Meredith.

Meredith stood out of her scrub pants and before she could even register what she was doing, she pulled her scrub top off and her lips were on Addison's again. She cupped her face in her hands, moaning softly as Addison's hands slid around her to pull them closer together.

They moved together slowly, their lips not once disconnecting, until Addison sat on the bed behind her, bringing Meredith into her lap. The smaller girl straddled Addison as she pulled off Addison's own scrub top.

"God, I've missed you," Meredith groaned softly against Addison's lips.

"I've missed you too," Addison murmured as her hands slid up Meredith's back, her nails grazing her skin slightly before undoing her bra and pulling it off her.

"You left me," Meredith said softly as she pulled her lips back, but their foreheads still touched as their eyes met, "You left me here, alone."

"I'm sorry, Meredith," Addison responded, sliding one hand into Meredith's hair as she pressed their lips back together again.

Addison moved them, laying back in the bed with Meredith on top of her as they continued to move their lips in passionate kisses. Feeling Meredith's hips pressing down on hers, she moaned softly and lifted her hips up to meet the slow grinding.

Meredith continued returning and instigating kisses against Addison's lips, their lips eventually parting as their tongues would brush one another now and again. Their bodies continued to move against one another, Addison's leg between Meredith's as the blonde pressed down against her still scrub covered thigh.

The familiar noise of Meredith's pager indicating an incoming message had her groaning in frustration as pressed a final kiss to Addison's lips. When the noise repeated incessantly, she climbed off the bed and crossed the room to get the pager off the floor.

"Crap," Meredith muttered, royally pissed off that they were being interrupted as she grabbed her phone out of the pocket of the lab coat that lay on the floor.

Addison watched her from where she lay on the bed also seemingly pissed off with the phone, as Meredith quickly dressed herself.

"Crap, crap, crap, I have to go," Meredith huffed softly as she put the phone back in her pocket and looked to Addison again, "Meet me at Joe's tonight. I should be finished by 8."

"I'll try to be there," Addison said as Meredith pressed a kiss to Addison's lips, Meredith groaning softly as she could taste herself there. Meredith's hand slipped up the front of Addison's hair a moment as they kissed, gripping it gently and enticing a soft moan from Addison.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," Meredith murmured with one last kiss as she pulled away, before pulling her lips back reluctantly.

"It's okay, I'll see you later," Addison gave her a soft smile as she smoothed out the back of Meredith's hair, pressing a kiss to the younger woman's cheek. As Meredith went to stand up straight, Addison grabbed her hand to stop her and looked her straight in the eye as she spoke in a serious, but soft voice.

"You're not his first affair."

The words shocked Meredith to her core and her whole body tensed. Of course Addison had figured it out. How could she not have? She had an eye for these things anyway, regardless of the fact she knew all of Meredith's tells already.

If it weren't for the second ring of a page to Meredith's phone, she wouldn't have found the strength to leave that on-call room. She left without another word, picking up the speed in her walk as she checked the page, now a 911, and made her way down to the pit.

* * *

**8:15pm.**

She sat on a stool at the bar, an empty seat either side of her as she waited for Addison to join her, as previously agreed in passing earlier.

What had Addison meant? Well, it was obvious what she had meant, but was it true? Addison had never lied to her before that she knew of, and she could see no reason for her to start now.

It didn't really surprise Meredith that she wouldn't be the first of Derek's affairs on his wife. Megan wasn't exactly around herself, and Derek had already mentioned previously his own suspicions.

Why was he even still married to her? Did he just enjoy the thrill of possibly getting caught? The excitement of sneaking around? Was he actually ever going to divorce her like he said he kept saying he would?

She lowered her head into her hands with a soft groan and a small shot glass appeared in front of her. She looked up to see a sympathetic smile from Joe, the bartender, "You look like you could use some tequila."

"God, yes. Thanks, Joe," she said before downing the shot in one, humming softly at the familiar burn down her throat.

Her phone chimed on the bar in front of her with a message from Addison, " _Patient gone into labour. Won't make it. I'll call you when I'm finished."_

"Dammit," she muttered, tapping out a quick reply, " _Okay, I'm heading home."_

Joe poured a second shot for her and she nodded gratefully before downing it again in one, ready to remove herself from the bar and head home, when she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder.

"Drowning your sorrows already? The weekend away was supposed to help you relax, de-stress…" His voice spoke in a low tone, wary of any prying ears.

She turned to look at him and couldn't resist rolling her eyes as she muttered, "I was just leaving."

"What's wrong?" He murmured, sitting in the stool beside her, his hand moving from her shoulder to rest on her thigh, but Meredith shifted her leg so that his hand dropped.

"Nothing. I need to go, Derek," she stood up from the stool, pulling the money out to pay Joe as Derek also stood, as though he was waiting for her.

She picked up her bag and made her way to the exit, aware of Derek following her out silently. Once outside, he gently tugged on her arm to pull her into a darkened alcove. Now out of sight, his hand cupped her check and lifted her head so that she would look at him.

"Come back to mine," he breathed out softly, before pressing his lips against hers.

The instant their lips connected, her sour mood momentarily melted away as she moved her hands over his shoulders, returning his kiss as he moved one arm around her waist, pulling her against him. He slowly pressed her up against the brick wall, his lips moving to travel to her neck with a soft murmur, "Meredith, I need you."

Just as she was about to respond, most likely to let him take her away in his Porsche and have his way with her, whether it be in the back of the car or back at her place, a horn sounded down the street and brought her reality crashing back down.

"No, Derek," she pressed her hands flat against his chest to push him back off her, "I can't, Derek."

He stepped back at her insistence, his eyes fixated on her, and she saw his confused expression under the dim street lights.

"Mer, baby, what's going on?" He reached out to brush his fingers through her hair as he spoke, but she stepped out of his reach.

Her eyes looked up into his, a fire in them as Addison's words repeated in her mind.

" _Don't_ call me baby," she turned and started walking down the street, aware of him still following after her. She turned on her heel suddenly to face him.

"Derek, go home. It's not happening, definitely not tonight."

"What? Meredith, just talk to me, I'm worried about you," he spoke with a soft voice, genuine concern laced in his tone, but she couldn't see past her anger.

"Is this about Addison being back?"

She rolled her eyes at him and scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest, "Save it. I'm leaving."

She turned again to make the 15 minute walk home to the house she shared with Cristina, but his hand grabbed her arm a little more firmly this time to stop her.

"I don't know why you're so pissed off with me, but I'm not letting you walk home on your own this late. I'll drive you."

"I'm fine, Derek. It's a fifteen minute walk, I can take care of myself," she muttered, glaring at his hand holding her arm.

"I don't care how grown up you are, or you think you are. I'm not letting you walk off into the night where anything could happen to you," he glared back at her now, her mood apparently rubbing off on him.

"So now you're calling me a kid? I'd rather get a cab," she jerked her arm away from his hold and he released her.

"Just get in my car, Meredith. Stop being so damn stubborn. The sooner you do, the sooner I'll leave you alone," he offered, as though trying to negotiate with her.

"Derek, will you just leave me the hell alone _now_?" She said to him, her tone harsher now as she turned around and started walking the direction of home.

She assumed he'd got the point, and maybe a small part of her was disappointed when she didn't hear him following her this time. A few moments later though, she heard a car pull up beside her, driving slowly along with her as she walked.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see it was Derek's car. He had the window rolled down but wasn't saying anything to her. She didn't say anything to him either.

He followed her like that all the way home, either being very stubborn or just over protective of the fact she was walking home through the dark streets of Seattle on her own. But she continued to ignore him whatever the reason, going inside and locking the front door behind her before he could get out and follow her inside.

Up in her room, she could hear the slight purr of his engine outside and peeked through a gap in her curtains, seeing him still parked up outside her house. She just rolled her eyes and shook her head, turning off the lights and climbing into bed, not bothering to change. She'd deal with the fall out tomorrow.


	6. Flashback: Christmas Party 1

**A/N: Back to flashbacks again! :)**

* * *

**Saturday, December 19th, 2020.**

* * *

The past month had been exhilarating. Stolen moments within the hospital that were always stopped before they went too far, followed by nights spent in a room at the Archfield, or in her own room when Cristina was staying at the hospital - not that Cristina didn't know exactly what was going on. It seemed she was the only other person who was aware of what was going on.

She knocked gently on the door to his office. Most of their colleagues were now at the party itself or busy with patients, so the hallway of offices was empty and clear of anyone. She heard his voice from within telling her to come in, not realising it was her at the door. He wasn't expecting her to be there, and she would never normally do something like this, not in the hospital. Even if there weren't that many people around, someone could still catch them if it were emergent enough.

"Hey," she said in a soft voice, walking into his office, dressed and ready to make her way to the Christmas party.

"Meredith," he breathed out softly, slightly speechless as she closed and locked the door behind herself, his eyes running over the dress she wore that clung to her body.

"You're still here?" She asked, aware of his attention on her and biting her lip gently as she moved toward his desk.

"I just had a few things to finish up. I was told you were still about, that you might not go… I can see you're dressed to go though," he spoke in a low voice, standing up from behind his desk and walking around to meet her in the middle of the room.

"You look stunning, " he commented, his fingers caressing the side of her face before resting his hand on her hip, his lips leaning toward hers.

"I only bought this dress so you could take it off," she murmured softly as her hand cupped his cheek and she pressed her lips against his.

Her body pressed up against his as her fingers slid through his hair and his arms wrapped around her waist. He moved her backwards until they fell together on the couch, Meredith beneath him and his hips pressing down against hers as the kiss deepened, her moans vibrating on his lips.

"We don't have long," he murmured against her lips as his hands worked to push up her dress, his fingers grazing her inner thighs up to her already soaked pussy, groaning softly in obvious sexual frustration, "Always so ready for me, baby,"

Her back arched as his lips attacked her neck with kisses, nips and sucks on her soft skin while he teased her with his fingers, a soft murmur escaped her lips between moans, "No time to tease."

He smirked against her skin before lowering his lips to the accentuated outline of her cleavage, the tip of his tongue tracing the outline of the dress along her skin as he slid two fingers inside her, eliciting a soft gasp from her.

"I need to taste every inch of you, dammit," he murmured against her skin.

"Please," she whimpered softly, her hips moving up against his hand as his fingers thrust faster inside her, his thumb rubbing against her clit. She could feel the tightening of her core as her climax built up, waves of pleasuring rushing through her with each quick movement.

"Come for me baby," he murmured, using his free hand to grip at her breast over the silk of the dress, curling his fingers inside her now against the spot he knew all so well.

He moved his hand over her mouth as she moaned out loud, muffling the sound as she rode out her orgasm. Her come spilled over his fingers and down his wrist and he ducked his head to slide his tongue over her, tasting her, keeping his hand over her mouth.

Just as he moved his lips back to hers, letting her taste herself on him, his phone started to ring but he slid it out of his pocket and declined the call. He kept his attention on Meredith as he hiked up her dress over her hips and slid off her panties, throwing the phone, now on silent, to the floor.

Her arms moved around his neck as he lifted her to sit in his lap on the couch, straddling him, his pants and boxers now around his ankles as she lowered her hips, taking his full length inside, her walls tightened around his throbbing dick.

"Fuck, Derek..." she murmured in a soft moan, feeling him stretching her walls.

"Quick, baby," he murmured as his lips attacked her neck, careful not to leave any telltale marks as she moved her hips fast and hard against him. He groaned against her skin the faster she moved, feeling his climax build as her walls contracted around him and he lifted his hips up against her as she moved her hips down, pushing himself as deeply as possible inside her.

"Oh, fuck, yes, Meredith..." he muttered between clenched teeth, leant back on the couch, tilting his head back as he gave his body over to the pleasure she had created, pushing him over the edge as she moved her hips harder, her own second climax imminent.

As they rode out their orgasms together, his hot liquid spilling inside her, she pressed her lips to his in a hard passionate kiss to muffle the volume of their moans. His hands moved from their grip on her hips to tangle in her hair and hold her against him as their movements gradually slowed, both breathless but unable to separate from their kiss.

"Hmm, you're amazing," he murmured against her lips, allowing a few more kisses before pulling his lips back to catch his breath properly. An involuntary groan rose out of his chest as she moved off him, standing in front of him as she fixed her dress and started looking around for something.

"What're you looking for?" He chuckled softly as he watched her, an eyebrow raised.

"My panties, Derek, where did you put them?" She looked at him accusingly, one hand on her hip.

"I didn't put them anywhere," he said, still chuckling as he eventually moved from the couch, fixing his trousers and walking over to a small mirror he had on the wall of his office, fixing his hair.

"You really are infuriating sometimes you know," she shook her head and her eye caught the light from his phone indicating an incoming call and she went to pick it up off the floor and handed it to him, "Your phone is still ringing. We should go."

He took it from her and looked at it, rejecting the call but reading through his messages, muttering softly, "Crap. We really need to go. Check your phone."

She picked her bag up off the couch and pulled her phone out, seeing at least ten missed calls from her mother, a few from Richard and countless messages from both, including Cristina.

"Crap. You go first. I need to sort this out," she said as she indicated toward her hair that he had messed up.

"Hairbrush, bottom drawer," he told her, intending on giving her a chaste kiss but wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her against him for a deeper one, murmuring between kisses, "I really do like that dress. The just fucked hair really accents it."

She laughed softly and pushed against his chest with her palm, "Go! If you behave, I'll still have it on later tonight."

He groaned softly and shook his head, kissing her cheek as he grumbled, "Tease."

"You love it," she winked playfully at him as he walked backward toward the door.

"You have no idea. See you soon, oh, I have your panties, by the way," he returned a playful wink at the shocked look on her face and he quickly left the room before she could retaliate.

_The over-confident, arrogant bastard_. She went over to his desk and pulled out the bottom drawer to grab the hairbrush she kept there among other things. Unfortunately, these other things didn't currently include spare underwear. She groaned softly and quickly fixed her hair, ringing Cristina as she did so.

"Mer, where the hell are you? Ellis thinks you've skipped out," she snickered down the phone, clearly finding it all entertaining.

"I'm just leaving the hospital now, Cris, unfortunately I will be there in less than half an hour," she grumbled down the phone.

"What's got your knickers in a twist?" Cristina scoffed, still amused at her friends' misadventures.

"I lost them," Meredith said bluntly, judging her hair to now be acceptable and throwing the brush back in the drawer, closing it.

"Meredith Grey!" Cristina exclaimed, immediately followed by outright laughter, "I thought you were ending that?"

"So did I, but then I wore that one dress, you know, _that_ dress? And he was there and then we were... you know," she explained as she slipped her heels back on and discreetly left the office, using the key she kept to lock the door behind her.

"Dirty, dirty girl," Cristina admonished, but still with the hint of amusement in her voice that indicated Meredith was not to take her seriously.

"I'm getting in a cab now, okay? Meet me with a drink before I have to see Ellis," she told her friend as she made her way to the lobby, thankful to see a cab just dropping someone off that she could take.

"Roger that, but if she finds you first, I can't be held liable. Make sure you don't smell like sex," with that Cristina disconnected the line and Meredith let out deep sigh. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

When she arrived at the Christmas party being held at the events hall within the Archfield, Cristina was dutifully standing by the entrance waiting for her with a drink. Meredith breathed out a sigh of relief to be able to have a drink before seeing her mother, or Derek, or Derek's _wife_ (assuming she would even be there, and not on a cruise in the Caribbean).

"You're a lifesaver," Meredith breathed out as she took the drink from Cristina and downed it as they made their way to the designated hall.

"It's what I do," Cristina shrugged nonchalantly, "you owe me, though."

"Didn't you already owe me? From that time I lied to Owen for you," Meredith narrowed her eyes at Cristina as they made their way to the bar for another drink.

"Well, I didn't tell Ellis you were too busy banging, Sh-"

Cristina was cut off by an elbow to her side from Meredith as the aforementioned woman approached, annoyance clear on her expression.

"Meredith, where have you been?!" Ellis said, one hand on her hip and Richard close behind her.

"I was at the hospital, Mom," Meredith excused herself, before turning back to the bartender to order another drink for Cristina and herself.

"You could've at least messaged to tell me you were on your way," Ellis scolded her, as though she were still a teenager going out till all hours every night. Except she wasn't even scolded as a teenager for that. And she was at work. Technically. She was at the hospital, at least. That wasn't a lie.

"Mom, I'm here. It's fine. It's nice to see you, by the way," Meredith said, slightly sarcastic as she took her drink from the bartender and passed one to Cristina.

"Yes, well, just try and keep yourself together, _please_."

"Always," Meredith muttered against the rim of her glass as she rose it to her lips and Ellis walked away, apparently done with the interaction. Richard followed, with only a nod of acknowledgement to his step-daughter, never one to get involved.

Cristina chuckled beside her, taking a sip of her own drink, "Oh, God. That was close."

Meredith narrowed her eyes at Cristina again, remembering the almost indiscretion from moments earlier, "Yeah, it was close."

"I'm sorry, I'll be more careful," Cristina said almost earnestly, patting Meredith on the shoulder, "Maybe if you're lucky we'll find you an unmarried man for you to sleep with here."

"You're unbelievable sometimes, you know," Meredith rolled her eyes and sipped at her drink as she surveyed the room, discreetly trying to locate Derek.

"He's on the other side of the room," Cristina told her bluntly, knowing exactly what Meredith was doing, "Wait, does he have your...?"

"What do you think," Meredith muttered as she followed Cristina's gaze, feeling a squeeze in her chest as she saw him stood with his wife, "Dammit."

"Okay, let's find you a nice boy who _doesn't_ steal your underwear," Cristina said with a short laugh, leaning back against the bar.

"It's kinda hot," Meredith admitted, shrugging as she followed Cristina in leaning against the bar, her eyes surveying the room again. "See, the only problem with your plan is that everyone here works at the hospital."

"And that's stopped you before?" When Meredith glared at her again, she conceded with a laugh, "I'm sorry, I'll stop talking about it."

"You won't though, will you?" Meredith accused.

"You know me well, Grey," Cristina laughed again, patting Meredith on the shoulder, "Now, if you'll excuse me, my trauma surgeon is making eyes at me across the room."

"You can't just leave me here!" Meredith turned to look at her, nudging her shoulder.

"Well I get abused here," Cristina rolled her eyes, "You'll be fine. Find a man, a woman, whatever you fancy, I'll be back."

Meredith watched her friend walk away to where Owen Hunt was standing, talking to him a moment before they both left the room, openly holding each others' hands, without a care of anyone seeing him. She sighed softly and turned to face the bar again. Did she want that?

Before she could answer her own question in her mind, she heard his soft chuckle beside her, and he spoke in a low voice, "Whatever you fancy, hm?"

She glanced over at him as he leant forward on the bar beside her, a little closer than he probably should be.

"Mhm, whatever I fancy," she murmured, looking back at her glass on the bar.

"If you find a woman, can I watch?" He grinned at her, and she rolled her eyes with a scoff.

"You're disgusting, you know that right?" She signalled to the bartender for a top-up of her drink.

"It wouldn't be for my benefit, per say, I just still don't believe it," he said with a shrug, before ordering drinks from the bartender. A single-malt scotch whiskey for himself, and a separate glass of soda water.

"Soda water?" She raised an eyebrow and he simply shook his head so she dropped it, "And why don't you believe me? Can't you just take my word for it?"

"I'm an empirical kind of guy, what can I say?" He grinned with a shrug.

"See, now I feel like you're challenging me, and I don't back down from a challenge," she half-teased him. In her mind, she was genuinely considering the idea. Maybe it would get her mind off him and his… talents.

"I wasn't challenging you," he quickly backtracked, realising she might actually be serious.

"Too late now," she smirked with a shrug, "It's already set in stone. I already have my target."

She nodded her head towards a woman, a brunette nurse who she _may_ have already hooked up with before, and knew would be discreet. He followed her gaze before looking back at her, a slight panic in his eye, "Meredith, please."

"What? Are you going to stop me?" She raised an eyebrow at him as she picked up her drink, challenging him to stop her.

She watched the conflict on his face as he went to reach for her arm but realised he couldn't, there were too many people around. He groaned and ran his hand over his face as he realised he couldn't win, "You're killing me."

"Have you ever thought that maybe, you're killing me?" She said, speaking seriously now and she saw the effect her words had on him as his face dropped.

"Maybe we should talk," he spoke softer now, realising how serious she was being.

"No, I was joking, forget it," she forced a smile on her face and sipped her drink, noticing they were being approached by someone she really didn't want to be in the vicinity of, his wife.

"You need to go, actually, I'll go."

She turned away from him and walked over to the other side of the room where Karev was standing with some of their other co-workers. He grinned as he saw her, "Grey! Looking good as usual."

She rolled her eyes at him, "Karev, it's not going to happen, move on."

"Can't I compliment you?" He nudged her playfully, "What's up with you?"

"Cristina ditched me to get laid," she muttered, taking a sip of her drink.

"You know what you need? A new conquest. You haven't had one for months," he suggested.

"You always suggest that," she pointed out, "Why does it always come back to getting laid?"

"Because you're much happier when you're getting laid," he teased.

"Jokes on you, because I've been getting laid this whole time," she smirked at him, finishing off her drink.

"I knew it!" He laughed loud, attracting the attention of their colleagues around them. "You and Cristina keep whispering about something. Go on then, who is it? Who's the big secret?"

"You only wish you knew, Karev," she raised an eyebrow at him, "I need to get out of here."

"Male or female?" He asked her with a smirk.

"I'm not giving you a single hint," she said with a laugh, "Like I said, I need out of here. And I need someone to go with."

"Pick someone. You're hot, Grey, you can have anyone you want," he crossed his arms as he leant back against the wall, "That brunette nurse keeps looking over at you."

"That's what I was thinking, she's been giving me eyes all weekend. And it's not like I can have absolutely _anyone_ ," she muttered, leaning on the wall beside him as her gaze drifted over to where Derek stood with Richard. He glanced up at her with questioning eyes, but she averted her gaze, looking over at the brunette nurse from earlier that Karev had also pointed out, maybe she should go for the safe option.

"You can do better than Shepherd, such as the nurse giving you eyes," Alex told her with a gentle nudge. She looked up to him with slightly wide eyes and he chuckled softly, "Your secret's safe with me, Mer. I'm more observant than you think."

"You're right, I can do better than a married man, can't I?" She pushed herself off the wall, smoothing her dress out.

"Right, I just need to make sure my mother doesn't see," she muttered, spotting her mother sat with Richard and a few other attendings, deep in conversation.

"Doesn't see what?" He asked, slightly confused.

"I'm going for the safe, unmarried option, I'm behaving. Anyway, he doesn't believe me," she smirked in amusement, remembering the jealousy emanating from Derek.

"You mean, he doesn't know about Addison?" Alex chuckled and Meredith shot him a glare.

"Can people please stop bringing her up? It wasn't that big a thing," she muttered as she walked with him over to the bar.

"Meredith, it was a big thing. Ellis practically sent her packing…" he trailed off as Meredith turned to look at him.

"What? My mother did _what?"_ She looked Karev dead in the eye, demanding an answer.

"Wait, you don't know? Why did you think she left? Ellis tried to ruin her," Alex grabbed her arm, afraid she was about to do something she might regret, "Look, all I know is, she found out about you and Addison, next thing you know Ellis pulls her into a meeting with the board and she was gone."

"She said, she said she got a job offer, a better job offer, I didn't even know they'd spoken, or that Ellis _knew,"_ she felt the rage begin to rise up in her. How dare she keep interfering with her damn life? This was ending, and this was ending now. She pulled her arm out of his grip and turned around, stalking to the table that Ellis sat at, not even registering that Derek had joined the table and was watching her with genuine concern as she approached, seeing the anger seething from her.

"We need to talk," she spat at her mother. "I'll happily do it here, but I think you'd prefer it be in private."

"What is it now, Meredith?" Her mother said, as though she was bored of her already.

Meredith scoffed and could feel the tears starting to burn her eyes out of anger and crossed her arms over her chest, "Fine. We'll talk here about what you did to Addison then."


	7. Flashback: Christmas Party 2

**A/N: Part 2 of the Christmas party!**

* * *

**Saturday, December 19th, 2020.**

* * *

_Meredith scoffed and could feel the tears starting to burn her eyes out of anger and crossed her arms over her chest, "Fine. We'll talk here about what you did to Addison then."_

"Meredith, be careful," her mother eyed her as if daring her to say anymore in front of everyone, but this only angered Meredith more, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"No, _you_ be careful. Stay out of my life, just stop it, okay? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being in your shadow, I'm sick of being compared to you and I'm sick and tired of you interfering in my personal life as well. When my residency is up, I'm gone, and if you make it any harder for me I'll leave sooner. I want you to leave me alone, I'm done with you."

"I did it for your own good, Meredith! Why can't you see that everything I do is to try and help you?" Ellis said, standing up from her chair now.

"My own good? All you do is make my life worse," she spat out.

The tears were falling freely now and she wiped her eyes, catching Derek's eye as she turned to leave, noticing the pity mixed with confusion in them, but she ignored him. He sat there with his wife, after all. He wasn't important. He didn't matter right now. He didn't care.

She didn't think about the stares she got as she left the room, heading out to the front area of the hotel, needing the fresh air. She leant back against the cold brick wall, breathing heavily as she felt the effect of the alcohol she'd been drinking through the night hit her. She couldn't believe she'd even done that.

It was rare that Meredith let herself get so angry at the things her mother did, let alone enough to confront her. Even then, she'd never dream of doing it in public. Could she blame it on the tequila? She couldn't seem to calm herself down still as her eyes fixed on a spot on the floor in front of her, trying her usual deep breathing technique to calm her down.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she heard his voice nearby, but she didn't look up at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Go away," she muttered, pulling her phone out of her bag, ready to call herself a cab home.

"I'm afraid I can't do that," his voice sounded closer now, and when she looked up he was right next to her.

"You can. It's very easy. Turn around and walk away," she glared at him, she just wanted to go home.

He shook his head, ignoring her request as he wrapped his arms around her, and she couldn't help but melt into his hold. His lips pressed against the top of her head, "Who's Addison?"

"It doesn't matter. I ruined it, just like I ruin everything I ever have," she murmured, her face buried against his shoulder.

"What does it have to do with your mother?" He asked, his hand gently rubbing her arm as he held her.

Meredith shook her head and pulled out of his hold, "I'm not, I'm not doing this with you. You should go back to your wife."

"I don't want to go back to my wife," he murmured, a dark look crossing his eyes.

He took her arm and gently pulled her toward him, his other hand holding her waist with a gentle grip of the fabric of her dress. His lips crashed against hers a moment and enticed her into a passionate kiss, his hand moved from her arm and tangled into her hair.

"Then why are you still married to her?" She asked as their lips parted, effectively deflecting the focus of the conversation from herself, glaring at him now.

He was silent for a moment and she stared at him, as if daring him to say something. When he didn't, she pulled away from him and turned on her heel before walking back inside. She needed a drink, and she needed someone to help her forget about everything. Including Derek _freaking_ Shepherd.

She paused at the mirror in the hallway, fixing her hair and wiping away the tear stains, taking a deep breath before she entered the room again. She went over to the bar and downed a shot of tequila just as Cristina found her.

"Mer, are you okay? Karev told me…" she started, but Meredith cut her off.

"I'm fine. I'm moving on," she said, her eyes watching for the nurse again, who wasn't that hard to find, "and I don't even have to hide about it anymore."

"I don't think you should've had to hide in the first place," Cristina said with a shrug, "do you want it to be someone you work with, though?"

"I don't work with Taylor, she works in ortho," Meredith shrugged as her eyes locked with said nurse, "I'll see you later."

Meredith walked off before Cristina could respond, making her way over to Taylor who stood alone now, anticipating Meredith's approach.

"Meredith," she said with a tempting smile, "I'm glad you finally came over."

"I've seen you looking all evening, Taylor. You look amazing in that dress, you should wear your hair down more often," she spoke in a soft voice, raising her hand to brush over the woman's cheek before taking her hand, "Maybe we should get out of here, and I can show you just how much I love that dress."

"I've been thinking about getting out of here with you all evening," the woman grinned softly as she gently pulled Meredith closer to her, sliding her hand around Meredith's waist to the small of her back.

Meredith's hand cupped Taylor's cheek, before pressing her lips against her soft ones, in a slow, agonising kiss, letting her forget everything else that was going on and focus on the way she wanted to feel. Their lips parted after a moment and Meredith mumbled, "Maybe I should just get us a room."

"Come with me, first," Taylor grinned softly, pulling at Meredith's hand and leading her out of the room to the toilets, going into a cubicle with her.

"I can't wait for a room to be arranged," the woman said, her voice filled with desire.

Their lips met again in a passionate kiss and Meredith had Taylor pressed back against the door of the locked cubicle door. Their tongues teased each other as they kissed, and Meredith's fingers crept up the inside of her thigh, feeling how wet the woman already was for her and feeling a surge of confidence knowing that she had done that.

Her free hand teased Taylor's breast out of the dress, her fingers pinching her nipple as she relished in the sound of her moans, spurring Meredith on even further. Her lips moved to caress the brunette's neck as she slid her finger inside, pumping slowly but with obvious intent and eventually adding a second finger, her thumb stretching to rub against her clit. Her hand released Taylor's breast as she moaned out, covering her mouth with her palm to muffle the noise in an attempt to avoid much notice being given to them.

Her movements sped up as she felt the contractions around her fingers, the familiar sensation letting her know Taylor was close to finishing. In the haze of the passion being shared between them, she yearned to taste the essence pouring out and lowered herself to her knees, pulling out her fingers as her tongue easily found the entrance to her pussy, her tongue teasing and pushing Taylor over the edge, a moan emanating from deep within her as she tasted her lover's come over her tongue.

She spent a few moments licking and nipping at the soft skin of Taylor's inner thighs as the woman came off her high, a hand tangled in Meredith's hair as she moaned out, "Oh, fuck, Meredith…"

She stood again in front of Taylor, a slight gasp escaping her parted lips as Taylor pressed her up against the wall of the cubicle, ready to return the favour. Meredith's head tilted back against the partition, her hips pressing forward as she felt the soft touch of Taylor's fingertips close to her pussy, wet with anticipation and moaned softly as the soft skin of her neck was kissed and nipped at, Taylor's soft murmur travelling to her ears, "No panties. Definitely a turn on."

The heat rose in her cheeks as she remembered the reason she had no underwear on, and she felt her abdomen tighten at the memory of Derek's touch, adding to the arousal Taylor was giving her. She felt her dress being hitched over her hips just as Derek had done earlier in the evening and before she had time to even think, she felt the warm, wet touch of Taylor's tongue against her, eliciting a loud moan from Meredith. She slid her fingers through the brunette locks, gripping as her hips moved with the movements of her tongue inside her.

Meredith shook slightly as the pent up pleasure ripped through her body, her climax reaching it's peak, and she moaned out even louder as she felt her orgasm release, her knees feeling weak as her come flowed into Taylor's mouth, the soft flickers over tongue sending aftershocks through Meredith's body as she breathed heavily. A few soft kisses were pressed to her inner thighs before Taylor was in front of her again, pressing a harder kiss to her lips as the bodies pressed together, and Meredith felt another shock of pleasure from Taylor's breasts pressed against hers.

"I'll get us a room, baby. I'll text you the number," Meredith murmured into the kiss, still slightly high from the endorphin release.

"I'll be waiting, impatiently," Taylor whispered close to her ear before leaving Meredith alone in the cubicle and heading back out to the Christmas party.

Meredith walked out of the cubicle as she smoothed out the skirt of her short dress, looking at herself in the mirror, a pang of guilt hitting her when she thought about what had just happened. Why did she suddenly feel guilty about being with someone other than Derek? It's not like he wasn't married to somebody else. And it wasn't like he would even find out the specifics anyhow, even if he had seen them kissing in public.

She jumped slightly, her hand flying to her chest as the door to the toilets crashed open and she turned to find Derek stood there, a hint of rage in his eyes as he looked at her, his eyes taking her in.

"Meredith," he breathed out in a mutter, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm checking myself out in the mirror, Dr Shepherd," she said with a raised eyebrow before turning to look in the mirror again, continuing to fix her hair.

She saw him in the mirror, moving up behind her, and she could definitely feel his hardened length against her ass with the proximity he stood at. His lips lowered to her ear, and he continued to speak in a low, almost tortured voice, "What have you been up to in here, and what or _who_ are you planning to do for the rest of the night, _Dr Grey_?"

She met his eyes in the mirror with a slight smirk, "You're getting a little personal there, _Dr Shepherd_. Are you sure you want to know the specifics?"

"Well, imagine my surprise when _my wife_ comes back from the toilets to tell me what she heard happening in the cubicle next door. It couldn't have possibly been you, _Meredith,_ whose name was being moaned by the brown-haired nurse I just saw leaving this room?" He spoke harshly, his lips close to her ear still, his gaze unwavering from hers in the mirror.

She narrowed her eyes at him, and stepped forward before turning around to face him, "What's it to you? Jealous?" A low growl escaped him and he pressed his lips together, seemingly at a loss for words. One hand moved to her hip as her weight shifted onto one leg, her head tilting to one side slightly as she studied him, "Not to speak out of turn, _boss,_ but as you just so rightly pointed out, you have a _wife_. Maybe you should be getting jealous over her discrepancies rather than mine."

His stance relaxed at her words and he ran his hand through his hair as he released a deep sigh with his words.

"Meredith, I…"

"What? What could you possibly have to say? You and I, it's just sex. That's all it is. There's no room for feelings. You want to fuck because your wife doesn't give you any and trots off around the world with whoever spending your money? Fine. But you have _no_ say in what I do with my life," she spat her words at him, the anger releasing from her now as he stood there, speechless. "If you can't deal with that, then we're done."

She watched as a resolve came over him and he loosened his tie as he walked to the door, and she turned back to the mirror, closing her eyes a moment as she thought he had chosen to leave the room.

"Fine," she heard a low voice in her ear, and his presence behind her, her eyes snapping open and look directly into his in the mirror. His arms slid around her from behind and moved her forward against the sink, "Just sex, then. If that's what you want."

"That's what I want," she breathed out, finding herself getting turned on by his actions. Even more so when his hand slid up the side of her thigh, under her dress, his fingers teasing the wet skin of her pussy.

"Meet me on the top floor, room 402," he murmured against her ear as he slid a single finger inside her, eliciting a soft moan from her lips as she gripped the edge of the sink, their eyes still locked. His lips lowered to her shoulder and he pressed a kiss there as his finger slid out again.

"I'll be there," she told him, her voice almost a whisper with the slight pout from his lips as his finger teased over her sensitive clit.

"Good," he smirked at her in the mirror before stepping back, his eyes scanning over her body a moment before turning around and heading back out of the room.

She was done for.

* * *

**Flashback or main storyline next? :)**


	8. Fight For Her

**A/N: Enjoy! Back with them main storyline now.**

* * *

**Tuesday, 18th May, 2021.**

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, she found herself just laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling. She didn't want to go into work today. She didn't want to deal with Derek. She didn't want to run into Addison, who to the best of her knowledge hadn't even been around the night before when she said she knew she had to go in, though. She was due in surgery in less than three hours and still had to round on her patients, as well as deal with the residents and their interns.

She groaned softly as she finally pulled herself from under the covers to take a quick shower before getting dressed to leave. She still had her clothes on from the day before. She didn't have time to stop to grab coffee from the kitchen as she ran out to the car, realising how late she'd now made herself as she had dragged herself through the motions of getting dressed.

After most likely breaking the speed limit to make it to the hospital on time, she finally arrived and made her way inside, thankfully avoiding anyone as she made her way to the residents' lounge to change. She quickly changed, only to be joined by Karev who walked in, loudly complaining to her about his interns, and apparently Dr Montgomery as well.

"Mer, can't you do anything? The interns are useless and Montgomery's sour mood isn't helping things in the slightest! Can't I swap interns with someone else?" He groaned as he collapsed on the couch.

"Alex, maybe teach the interns so they won't be so useless," Meredith muttered as she put the things she'd need in her lab coat pockets, seeing multiple messages on her phone from both Derek and Addison, neither one relating to work.

"What's up with you? Anything to do with Addion's mood?" He asked, watching her and realising now how tired she looked, and frankly pissed off.

"I don't know what's wrong with Addison, Karev, just leave it. She'll be gone soon so you won't have to put up with her," Meredith said with a shrug.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Karev said, standing up again as he crossed the room to head back out, "Apparently, she's going to be here for a few weeks at least."

* * *

Apparently, Derek wasn't even in work that morning so she was left to do rounds on her own with the residents assigned to neuro for the day, with their interns trailing along behind them. She studied each one of them carefully as they would present and ask questions, and it was almost as though none of them wanted to be there.

"What is wrong with everyone today?" She muttered to herself as she left the final patient's room, taking the chart back to the nurses' station.

The answers to her questions about the procedure she'd be performing in less than an hour were practically dragged out of them, and because she knew she'd need the assist and had no idea where Derek was that morning, she'd been forced to pick a resident and their interns at random, really.

"Maybe it's just in the air," she heard a grumble from beside her and she peaked over to see her red-haired lover from the day before who she'd ignored all night leaning one elbow on the workstation beside her.

"Dr Montgomery, can I help you?"

"You ignored my calls and haven't messaged me back, wanted to make sure you were still alive," Addison commented, keeping her eyes on Meredith who continued to avoid looking back.

"Meredith, you look like you're about to breakdown right here. Come with me," Addison spoke in a quieter voice, taking the blonde gently by the elbow and leading her into a nearby empty on call room.

Meredith followed her, even though she had been trying to avoid her, because she knew Addison was right. If she wasn't about to just start crying there and then out of frustration, she was going to end up snapping at someone and that would definitely end in tears.

"I hate that you know me so well, sometimes," Meredith mumbled as she sat on the bed against the wall, tucking her legs against her with her arms around them.

"What's going on? What happened last night?" Addison asked, sitting on the bed beside her, close but not touching.

"I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want," she said as she rested her chin on the top of her knees.

"Talk to me about Derek," Addison said, lifting her hand to rest on Meredith's shoulder.

"Why?" Meredith turned her head to look at Addison, and was sure Addison already knew everything and didn't need Meredith to tell her any specifics.

"Because whatever it is is clearly affecting you. You never used to be like this, you were able to stay detached. You didn't get so involved with anyone," Addison observed, looking back into Meredith's eyes.

At Addison's intense gaze, Meredith blinked away tears and lowered her head on to her knees.

"It doesn't matter. It's over. I'm ending it. I can't do it anymore," she said, her voice only slightly muffled.

"Stop running from people who care about you, Meredith," Addison murmured as she ran her fingers through Meredith's hair.

"You ran from me," Meredith said with a slight scoff before looking at Addison again, "Oh no, actually, you let my mother run you out of here."

"She told you?" Addison asked in surprise, her hand withdrawing from Meredith.

"No, I figured it out a few months ago," Meredith said with a shrug, "and it's funny really. You told me you were leaving because I wouldn't commit to you, and that's exactly what I had been planning to do."

She straightened her legs out and wiped under her eyes as Addison sat there, in slight shock from Meredith's admittance. She turned to Addison and cupped her cheek with her hand, bringing her face closer with a soft sigh.

"I loved you, Addison. If you'd told me, I could've helped. I could've done something," she spoke softly, their eyes locked with one another, "I still love you, Addison."

"But you left," Meredith continued as she dropped her hand and stood up off the bed, "You left, and you lied to me. Everyone just keeps lying to me," she finished off with a bitter laugh.

"I was trying to protect you, Meredith," Addison said, standing up to join her, her hand reaching to touch Meredith's shoulder.

"Protect me? From what? Ellis? I can handle her. I don't need protecting, and I wish everyone would just stop trying to _protect_ me," Meredith's voice started to rise in volume as she stepped back, causing Addison's hand to drop from her shoulder.

Not knowing what to say, and sensing the rise in Meredith's anger, Addison stepped forward to try and calm her the only way she knew how. Her hand slipped into Meredith's hair as she brought their lips together in a firm, needing kiss. Meredith responded almost instantly, her hands gripping the front of Addison's lab coat to hold her there as their kisses continued.

Their lips parted after a few minutes, breathless, but their foreheads were still touching.

"I still love you too, Meredith," Addison spoke first before pushing her lips back on Meredith's, desperate for the kisses they'd been without for almost three years.

"Addison, I can't," Meredith murmured as she took a step back, out of Addison's hold, "I need to go, I have to go."

Before Addison could say another word, Meredith had left the room and was walking through the halls of the hospital, not even sure where she planned to go. Her head felt so full. She thought she loved Addison, but she had all these feelings for Derek that she hadn't even factored Addison into until she had re-appeared the day before.

* * *

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts, she didn't even realise she was walking towards Derek until she crashed into him, only not falling to the floor when his arms wrapped around her to hold her up.

"Meredith? Are you okay?" He asked, tilting his head slightly with a furrowed brow as he looked at her, not moving his arms from around her.

"Dr Shepherd," she said, in slight shock still, "Sorry, I wasn't watching…"

He released his hold around her waist and took her hand, taking her into a nearby stairwell out of the way of any prying eyes.

"What's going on? Will you please talk to me, Meredith. Ever since Addison showed up here…" he trailed off, watching her as she avoided looking into his eyes, and coming to some sort of realisation himself.

"I really don't want to talk about this," she muttered, her arms crossed over her chest as she leaned back against the wall, her eyes fixed on her shoes as she continued avoiding looking at him.

"I told her, yesterday, I told her…" Derek's hand dragged over his face as he realised he shouldn't have told Addison so much yesterday. He should've made the connection, even if Meredith hadn't confirmed it to him. He shouldn't have told Addison everything. Hell, he'd been speaking to her about it from the moment it started, and only now was he realising that his Addison, his best friend since college, was also _her Addison._

"Can we do this somewhere else? Another time? I need to get to the OR," Meredith said, not listening to Derek's mutterings right now, more focused on getting away, out of his presence.

"Meet me in my office after your surgery, I need to tell you some things, where I've been this morning," Derek told her, his hand reaching to cup her face as she looked up at him questioningly, now hearing his words.

"Okay," she breathed out softly, finding herself getting lost in her gaze, feeling the familiar pull towards him.

He gave her a small smile before pressing a short kiss to her lips, or what was supposed to be a short kiss before Meredith found herself wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling herself against him, deepening the kiss.

He pulled his lips back reluctantly, a pained look in his eyes from having to stop their kiss as he became aware she really needed to be on time for her surgery, and he couldn't be the one making her late for it.

"Go, I'll see you afterwards, go and be extraordinary," he said with a slight smirk, pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose.

"I regret telling you about that," she said with a slight laugh as she released her hold on him and he let her leave the stairwell ahead of him.

Strangely, she felt her head was more clear after seeing Derek again. She suddenly felt terrible, guilty even that she had been with Addison the day before, and had been kissing her again today, almost as though she had cheated on him. At the Christmas party, what happened then, that was different, she was making a point, making him jealous. Something was different now but she couldn't quite put her finger on what exactly was different.

Was it because of the feelings she still felt for Addison? Was it because of feelings she thought she was now feeling for Derek? It wasn't like she wasn't the person Derek was cheating on his wife with, so why should she care so much? She let out a deep sigh and pushed all the thoughts out of her mind as she entered the scrub room, preparing for the surgery she was due to perform.

* * *

She knew both Derek and Addison had been watching her surgery from the gallery, but she had continued on as she usually would nonetheless, teaching the resident and intern there with her as she clipped the aneurysm. Derek watching her wasn't so much a problem because he always watched her in surgery, normally from right next to her or performing the surgery with her.

The fact Addison was watching unnerved her slightly, because she knew that Addison had no professional need to be watching Meredith in surgery.

As she scrubbed out, being the last one to leave after typing up quick post op notes, the door to the scrub room opened and she glanced to the side, feeling a pang in her chest when she saw that Addison had walked in the room.

"Why are you still here, Addison?" Meredith muttered as she dried her hands on a paper towel, focusing on the action rather than Addison.

"I'm here for you, Meredith," she said, and Meredith could feel her eyes on her still.

"Why? To mess with my head?" Meredith said, looking straight at her now, "Just go back to California."

"Meredith, stop pushing me away! Listen to what I have to say," Addison pleaded, stepping closer as Meredith stepped back.

"No, Addison! You left. No matter the reason, you left, and you lied to me. You moved to California and you moved on, you got engaged, go back and live your happy life and leave me behind like you did before," Meredith spat out, having come to the revelation fairly quickly that she needed Addison to be out of her life again. Which didn't necessarily mean she was choosing between Derek and Addison, because she wasn't.

"What, and you're just going to keep on pretending you have a relationship with a married man?" Addison scoffed, turning bitter now realising she wasn't getting Meredith back, "He'll drop you as soon as he gets bored and finds a new plaything."

"What happens between Derek and me is _none_ of your business," Meredith said in a quiet voice.

Just as she said the words, the door to the scrub room opened and Derek stood there, observing how close Addison and Meredith were standing together but noting the anger on Meredith's face as she was the only one he could see.

"Dr Grey, the family is waiting," he said, staying professional but catching her eye, and she could see the slight concern he held for her there.

"I'm on my way, Dr Shepherd," Meredith told him, walking around Addison who had turned to look at Derek with narrowed eyes.

* * *

His hand touched her arm a moment as she walked past him, an attempt to calm her somewhat before she went to speak with the patient's family. Once she had gone, he stepped into the scrub room with Addison, holding the door closed behind him.

"I never should have told you anything Addison, should I? You've used me to keep tabs on her, knowing you can just drop in and mess with her head like this. Just do as she asks and go," Derek told her, not about to mince his words.

"You're really going to ruin years of friendship because you have sexual feelings for her? I love her, Derek. Maybe stop getting in the way and focus on your own marriage," Addison said with a bitter edge to her voice.

"I'm in love with her, Addison. And if you're really going to come here, try to ruin that and mess with her head in the process, I'll do everything in my power to stop you. You're happily engaged, you told me so yourself. Maybe focus on that. You had her and you left her, you gave up on her. You have no right. All I have to lose here is Meredith, I have nothing else to lose, I won't hesitate to do what needs to be done," he said with finality before leaving the scrub room, ready to go and meet with Meredith in his office. He needed to speak to her before Addison could find her again. He needed to tell her the truth about where he'd been that morning.


	9. Flashback: Bad Idea

**A/N: Back to a flashback!**

* * *

**Friday, February 19th, 2021.**

* * *

She paced the room back and forth, phone in her hand as she debated what she was surely about to do. She didn't need him, did she? He probably wouldn't even come over. He was properly busy with his wife. But if there was any chance…. No, she shouldn't.

He'd said she could, though. He'd said to message whenever, and he'd come to her as soon as he could.

This was ridiculous. She was a grown woman. She didn't need him. But oh, did she want him.

It had been a horrible day, and things just kept going wrong, one after the other. She needed to unwind, and he knew exactly how to help her with that. He hadn't been in the hospital today, it was his day off and she was able to handle things, sure, and there had been no casualty that she couldn't handle enough to have to call him in on his day off. But the number of times she was tempted to call him, just see him - it was unhealthy.

She sat on the edge of the bed, and before she could stop herself, she found her fingers typing away a message to him. He could just ignore it if she were being too presumptuous. Tell her no if he were too busy. Him saying no was definitely the worst that could happen, and that wasn't all that bad. She could always sort herself out, go to a bar and find someone to take home. No-one knew how her body worked as well as he did, though. Well, maybe one other person, but she was unattainable right now, and maybe Meredith didn't even want to see her again.

She set the phone on the bed beside her, not expecting a response back as she groaned softly and lay back on the mattress. When had it gotten this bad? When had it turned into not being able to go a single day without him? Just as she had closed her eyes, finding her fingers wandering down her middle as she thought about the way he touched her, the way he made her feel, her phone went off with a new message.

She sat up suddenly, as though someone had come into the room and caught her with her hand in her jeans. She grabbed the phone with a little too much eagerness as she read the message. He was coming over. He was on his way. He had been thinking about her all day. A chill ran through her as she read the words, and she found herself biting her lip as she replied to let him know she'd leave the front door unlocked, and that she was home alone, in her bedroom waiting for him.

She moved in front of the mirror, raking her fingers through her hair to tame it somewhat before giving up and just pulling it up into a mess on the top of her head. Her hands then smoothed out the t-shirt she wore, trying to decide on whether or not to just wait naked for him. She did like it when he undressed her, though…

She decided to keep the t-shirt on and just remove her jeans, dumping them in the laundry basket, before sitting cross-legged in the centre of the bed as she waited for him. Only the lamp on her bedside table and residual light from the streetlights illuminating her room.

As she waited for his appearance, she got up and started pacing the room again, glancing through the curtain every now and again for any evidence of his arrival. Not too long after, she saw the headlights of his car outside the house, pulling into her driveway. He never usually parked in the driveway if he came around, but she didn't think too much of it. She sat on the edge of the bed again, listening to the noise of the front door opening and closing again, his footsteps on the stairs.

When her bedroom door was pushed open, she looked to see him walking into her room, dressed as though he had been out somewhere. Black dress pants, and a light blue shirt that looked like he'd just pulled a tie off it. Their eyes locked as he crossed the room to her and she stood to meet him, his lips immediately finding hers without a word.

Her fingers tangled into his hair, pressing herself against him as his hands gripped at her waist, holding her there as their kiss continued. After a moment, his hand was pulling the tie out of her hair, letting it fall down her back with a murmur against her lips, "Much better down."

"You've been out," she murmured back, one hand sliding down his chest to grip at the shirt he wore, eliciting a soft chuckle from him.

"Not important," he mumbled as they kissed continuously, and he turned her, backing her up against the bedroom wall as his lips moved to attack her neck with kisses and soft nips of her skin, his hands pushing up her shirt and sliding underneath it, swiftly unclipping her bra with a murmur against her skin, "You're so beautiful, it hurts."

She gasped softly as his hand gripped her breast, her head tilting back against the wall. His lips moved back to hers a moment with desperate kisses before pulling off both her top and bra, his hands sliding under her thighs to lift her up against the wall, his lips close to her ear as he spoke in a low voice, thick with desire, "Are you ready for more?"

She nodded with a soft whimper as his hips pressed against her, and she could feel his hard length through the clothes he still wore. She wanted nothing more in that moment than to feel him naked against her. Keeping a hold on her, he moved them over to the bed, laying her on her back, his fingertips teasing over her panties as he used his other hand to unbutton his shirt, kissing at her neck again as he leaned over her. He dragged her panties down her legs before throwing them to one side with his shirt he had shrugged off.

"I missed you today," he murmured softly, his lips hovering over her breast a moment before taking her nipple between his teeth with a gentle pull.

At the mixture of slight pain with pleasure, Meredith moaned out softly, her hips lifting up against him slightly as she felt the arousal between her legs growing. His tongue flickered against her aroused, hardened nipple as he massaged the opposite breast with his hand, his other hand teasing it's fingers against her sensitive clit to elicit more moans from between her soft lips.

"As much as I love playing with you," he murmured again, his lips travelling up her neck to her lips as he spoke, "I haven't been inside you for almost a week."

He quickly unfastened the dress pants and kicked them off to the floor, spreading her thighs slowly as their eyes locked, lips close together but not quite touching. She could feel his hard length brush against her inner thigh and she moaned softly at the pure anticipation of feeling him inside her again.

He adjusted himself so that the tip of his length aligned with her opening, before taking her hands and holding them above her head with one hand. His free hand lifted her waist as he slowly pushed his length between her tight, but well lubricated walls.

A soft gasp escaped her lips as she felt him push deeper, a groan escaping deep from within his chest before his lips were on hers again. His hand slid to the small of her back to support her as he moved slowly inside her, in small movements at first as he relished in the feeling of being inside her again.

He pushed deeper into her as his lips pressed into hers with a passionate kiss, capturing her soft moans as he started to move faster inside her and her hips would lift further to meet his. They continued moving slowly together, his tip hitting deep inside her with each meeting of their hips.

"Derek…" she gasped out softly, her back arching slightly as her head tilted back, her hands gripping at the bed sheets beneath her as his movements picked up in speed

"Oh, baby, you feel so good," he growled softly as he leant over her, his lips closer to her ear, "Turn over."

Her eyes met his a moment as he reluctantly slid out of her, and she turned over onto her stomach, and his hands moved to her hips to pull her ass back up against him, his tip nudging against the entrance to her pussy from behind. He leaned forward, pressing soft kisses to the back of her neck and down her shoulder, slowly moving down her back as he slowly slid himself back inside her.

The change of position enabled his dick to push deeper inside her, and she pushed back against him at the drowned arousal it gave her, a soft gasp escaping her lips again at the pressure. He gradually started moving a little quicker now, upright again as his hands held her hips to move her back against him.

She started moaning out even louder, her hand gripping the mattress as he moved harder and faster inside her, and she could feel her walls gripping around him tighter as her climax started to build. One of his hands moved round to touch his fingers against her pussy, only teasing at first but soon moving in more rapid circular motions as her climax neared closer.

All of sudden she was becoming undone beneath him, her orgasm convulsing through her and she moaned out, almost screaming in pleasure as she came around him and she felt his movements quicken as he also came inside her, falling down forward against her, both of them breathing heavily as they basked in their post-orgasm bliss together.

His lips pressed soft kisses against her back as she continued to lay on her stomach, tasting the saltiness of her skin from the layer of sweat he was also surely covered in, both of them too exhausted to move from where they lay. His eyes wandered over her skin, slightly illuminated from the lights outside as he leaned to turn the bedside lamp off, noticing her breaths even as she started to drift off to sleep. He nestled his face close to the crook of her neck as he found himself falling asleep with her, his arm lazily draped over her back. He could get used to doing this with her more. No words spoken, both of them enjoying the pleasure the other gave until they fell asleep together.

* * *

She woke with a warmth around her and instinctively moved into the warmth. Only to realise the warmth was a person. A warm, naked person in her bed. Why was there a warm naked person in her bed?

Her eyes snapped open, finding Derek asleep in the bed with her, his arms tightening around her in his sleep. If she'd stopped to bask in it and wasn't panicking right now, she'd probably realise it was one of the best ways to wake up with him beside her, holding her as they slept and then slowly waking up together, enjoying the moment.

Except she was panicking, and she didn't have time for them to wake up slowly and enjoy the moment.

"Meredith," she heard the tired murmur escape Derek's lips as his face buried against her lips. It made her feel things. Things she shouldn't feel. Things she didn't want to feel.

"Derek, we fell asleep," she spoke quietly, attempting to wake him a little more.

"You fell asleep," he muttered sleepily, his eyes slightly opened as he ran his fingers through her hair.

"You stayed?" She breathed out softly, slightly shocked as she watched his eyes open a little wider.

"Hmm, I did," he hummed softly before pressing a soft kiss against her lips.

She was still in slight shock and couldn't figure out why he'd stayed, but she returned his soft kisses, her fingers sliding into his hair without her even having to think about it.

"I want to wake up with you like this every morning," he murmured softly as his lips travelled along her jawline and down her neck, turning her into a puddle beneath his hands.

"Derek," she breathed out with a soft moan, her fingers gripping his hair slightly.

"Don't think about it, baby. Just feel, feel this between us, think about how you feel, don't you want this?" He continued to speak in a soft murmur as he moved his lips back up to hers.

She returned his kisses again, and she did feel. She felt what was happening between them, it gave her warmth, it made her… she wanted him. She just wanted him, regardless of anything else that was happening. But she also knew the spell would be broken soon and he would be gone again, and she'd be left on her own.

His hands were touching her body now. Caressing his fingertips down her neck, over her breast before grabbing at her waist, his nails digging against her skin ever so slightly.

She gasped softly against his lips, her hand reaching to tangle into his hair again as she pulled herself against him, her leg hooking over his waist as she felt her deep need for as much contact with him as possible, and she wasn't sure if it was just the amazing sex making her want him.

"I feel…" she murmured between kisses, her chest tightening as she tried to explain how she felt, "I want more."

Her eyes snapped open as she made the admission to him, and to herself, for the first time and her familiar urge to run took over. She disentangled herself from him and stumbled out of the bed in a panic, feeling the tears welling in her eyes that she tried to fight back as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Meredith, come back…" he spoke softly, sitting up in her bed as he watched her.

"No, I can't, no…" she muttered as she wrapped herself in his shirt that lay on the end of the bed and paced the small space in her room.

Derek moved off the bed toward her, dressed in only his boxers and tried to focus more on Meredith's freak out than the way she looked wearing his shirt. She stepped back from his approach, though, holding her hand out to stop him.

"No, as soon as you touch me I'm going to completely melt and I can't, I can't do that right now," she confessed, looking at him pleadingly as she continued, "I can't feel this. I can't feel this way about you. God, this was supposed to be just sex. That's it. You're married! I can't fall for you, I'm just going to keep getting hurt over, and over and… I just can't do this Derek."

She could feel the tears on her cheeks now as she gauged his reaction, but was unable to read the expression on his face as he watched her. He probably thought she was absolutely crazy.

"I want you too, Meredith. I want more with you," Derek said as he went to approach her again, and then stopped as he ran his hand through his hair, "I'm going to leave her. I'm leaving Megan."


	10. Flashback: You Said You Were Leaving Her

**A/N: Here's another flashback that follows on 2 months after the one I last posted. :) Also, if anyone is also reading my other story WGTSMLT I promise I am working on another chapter.**

* * *

**Sunday, April 11th 2021**.

* * *

Having received his message to meet, she slipped into the on-call room as inconspicuous as possible. As soon as the door shut, she felt his presence close behind her, his arm sliding around her waist to her front as he lips lowered to her ear with a whisper, "You made it."

"When my boss calls, I come running," she said with a smirk, leaning back against him. He chuckled softly as she turned to face him, and he backed her up against the door, pressing a few short kisses to her lips.

"You think you're funny, hm?" He murmured before stepping back, sliding his hand into hers to pull her onto the bed with him. He sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her into his lap so that she was straddling him. His hands moved up the back of her top, his nails grazing her skin slightly and eliciting a soft moan from her lips.

"I think I'm hilarious," she said with a playful pout, threading her fingers through his hair, knowing how much he hated his hair being touched.

"You're definitely brave," he narrowed his eyes at her as he moved his hands to her hips, pulling her closer against him.

"I can't help myself," she said with a mischievous grin, tightening her grip in his hair as he pressed kisses to her neck.

He murmured softly against her skin, "I like it when you do it, though. God, I've missed you."

"You could've taken me with you," she mused as her head tilted back to give him a better angle of her neck, her fingers still tangled in his once perfectly styled hair.

"Next time, baby," he murmured and gently sucked against the hollow of her neck, urging on the heat rising inside her as each touch turned her on even more, "Didn't you miss me?"

A slight squeal left her lips as he suddenly moved her on to her back, moving over her, between her legs as he started to impatiently pull her pants off along with her panties. A wicked grin spread across her lips as their eyes met, ready to tease him, push him further, "Not really, I had someone else see to my needs."

She could see the jealous rage in his eyes as she spoke, a soft growl escaping him and he murmured as his lips found her inner thigh, "Don't tease, Meredith. I know that no one makes you feel as good as I make you feel."

The sensation of his lips on her skin and his warmth breath washing over her sent soft moans out of her, her head tilting back against the pillow and she closed her eyes to focus on the pleasure it gave her as she spoke breathlessly, still teasing, "Maybe I met someone new, someone who gives it to me twice as hard as you do."

His tongue found her soft spot, flicking the tip against her a few times before gently nipping her where she was most sensitive, enticing a loud moan out of her with a small jut of her hips against his mouth. She could feel him smirking against her at her reaction, "Oh, really? Does he make you wet like this?" With his words, he slid one finger between her wet folds, pushing it inside her in an agonisingly slow motion. He added a second finger when she didn't respond, engulfed with the pleasure of feeling his expert fingers inside her, slightly curled as they pushed in and out of her. His tongue continued to flicker against her as he pleasured her with his fingers and he spoke again, "Does he know exactly where to touch you to make you scream?"

Before she could quip back a response, his fingers twisted inside her, putting pressure against her g-spot, and making her moan out loud in pleasure. As though he had only just realised the need for her to not be screaming his name, which would probably happen soon if he carried on the way he was going, his lips move back to hers to quieten her with a soft chuckle, keeping his fingers inside her with quick movements, her hips moving against his hand. "Maybe we'll save that for later on tonight," he murmured between kisses, his words sounding like a promise, "Then you can scream my name to your heart's content."

"I want you, I need to feel you…" she muttered between moans, returning each of his kisses as he continued to thrust his fingers between her walls, her juices dripping down his wrist.

"Let me taste you again, baby. Come for me, and let me taste you," he gave her one last kiss before lowering his head once more, sliding his fingers out and gripping her hips before plunging his tongue between her walls, tasting every inch of her and rubbing her clit with his thumb, desperate for her to come in his mouth. Her hands gripped at his hair again as her hips moved in rhythm with the movements of his talented tongue. It wasn't long before she was becoming undone, unable to hold herself back as her body released the built up tension, her orgasm crashing through her as her come gushed over his tongue and he tasted every last inch of her pussy, loud moans escaping her lips but careful to not be tempted to moan his name in case anyone did hear anything.

He moved off the bed, one leg still kneeling on the mattress between her legs as he looked down at her sated body and she watched, waiting for his next movements or words. She watched as he pulled his top over his head, revealing his slightly tanned toned chest to her as he kept his eyes on her. She pulled off her own scrub top and dropped it with his on the floor, and he immediately lowered his body to hers again, the skin of their torsos against one another reigniting the flame of need inside Meredith.

"I just need to be inside you, baby," he breathed out, pressing his lips to hers again in a passionate kiss, and her fingers weaved into his hair. He loosened the tie on his pants before pushing them down and kicking them off his legs, pressing his hips against hers with a groan, his still covered length pressing hard against her abdomen.

"Fuck me, Derek," she muttered, still kissing him passionately, nipping at his lower lip with a gentle tug.

He growled and flipped them so that she was on top, her hair cascading down around them as she straddled his waist, "Why don't you fuck me?"

She smirked back at him, her hands lifting to tie her hair back with the tie on her wrist as she bit her own lip, her hips grinding down against him, "Derek Shepherd, giving over control. I love to see it."

He chuckled softly, reaching up to gently tug on the end of her ponytail so that her head tilted back as he sat up to nip at the hollow of her neck, lips drifting along her sensitive collar bone, softly muttering, "Don't get smart with me."

"What are you gonna do about it?" She retorted, a soft moan escaping her lips at his touch, feeling one hand grip her breast as she ground down against him.

His hand released her hair and unfastened her bra, pulling it off before moving his lips to catch her nipple between his teeth with a gentle tug, before sucking on it gently and teasing with his tongue, the movements stimulating pleasure deep within her core. Her wetness started to seep onto the cotton of his boxers and she could feel the slight throb from his length against her.

Her hand slipped between them and into his boxers, taking him in her hand with a gentle grip, twisting her wrist as she moved her hand up and down in slow, agonising motions. Their eyes locked, and she could see the intense desire deep within his dark blue eyes as her movements continued, knowing he'd lost the fight for control as he lay back on the bed staring up at her, "Dammit, just fuck me, baby."

She smirked again as she lowered his boxers further, lifting her hips to hover over the tip of his length, teasing herself against him as his hands gripped at her waist. She slowly lowered herself onto him as his hips thrust upwards against her, causing a loud moan to escape her lips as his tip hit deep inside, his full length filling her. She allowed herself to adjust before moving her hips up and down in slow motions, watching the expression on his face and taking pleasure in the effect she was clearly having on him.

Gradually, the speed of her movements picked up and his nails were now digging into her hips, undoubtedly leaving slight marks in her skin as she moved her hips harder down to meet his thrusting up to her. Their eyes stayed locked together as their hips moved together in sync, used to each other's rhythm and movements, knowing the right way to move with each other to reach maximum pleasure.

One of Derek's hands tangled in her hair, pulling her lips against his in a needing, passionate kiss, additionally using it as an attempt to muffle the sound of both of their moans, both of them still slightly aware that they were in the hospital and if someone were paying enough attention they would've been heard and their secret affair would be discovered.

Meredith could feel the tightening in the pit of her stomach as she felt her orgasm building up for the second time in that past hour. Derek's hand moved to rub his thumb against her clit as he felt her walls clenching around his throbbing dick, his own come ready to spill inside her.

Her climax hit and she felt the rush of pleasure shooting through her spine, moaning his name close to his ear. The fell of her walls contracting around him and her soft moans of his name pushed him over the edge, his come shooting inside her and mixing with her own come.

She breathed heavily, her movements slowing as she rode out her orgasm, their lips meeting in slow, breathless kisses as they both came down off their highs. Before she could move off him to pick her clothes up off the floor and get dressed, he lifted her by her waist and lay with her, pulling her back against him with his arms around her middle as he mumbled against the back of her head, "Don't run away just yet."

"You want round two already?" She smirked, trying to turn her head to look back at him, but he just buried his face against her hair, pulling her closer back against him.

"Just lay with me a moment, you always rush off," he lowered his head to press a kiss against her shoulder, "You have nowhere to rush off to right now."

She let herself relax in his arms. He wasn't wrong. She was always running away, using any excuse to avoid conversation or, well, this, after they'd had sex. There was no need to talk about it. No need to get feelings involved. Did he not realise that doing this completely counteracted the notion of not getting feelings involved? She still felt the urgent need to run and needed an excuse sooner rather than later.

Then, as though someone out there had been listening to her thoughts, and decided she deserved some good karma (which she definitely did not), Derek's phone rang.

He reached over her to grab his phone off the table, answering it without seeing who was calling. When the voice came through on the other end, she could feel his naked body, still holding her, tense around her. He released her and moved on to his back, his hand running through his hair.

"I won't be long," she'd heard him say to whoever it was.

She turned to look at him but he didn't look back, so she climbed off the bed, feeling somewhat bereft that he didn't pull her back as he just had. She started to pick up her clothes and pull them on as his phone conversation continued.

"I had to come back, Megan. I'll be home soon," he said with a huff in his voice and her head snapped up as she heard the name, looking at him as he still avoided to look back at her. Maybe not good karma after all.

She pulled her lab coat on and re-tied her hair back into a ponytail, turning to leave the room but was stopped by his hand on her arm, realising he had ended the call.

"Don't go," he murmured, trying to urge her back to him.

"We can't do this, we can't do this anymore," she pulled her arm out of his hold and went to open the door again.

"Meredith, please," he all but begged her, coming up behind her and placing his hand on her shoulder.

"No, Derek. I'm not just some side piece. I'm not second best," she muttered, not looking at him, but not shrugging his hand off her either, "You said you were leaving her, that was two months ago."

"I know, I know you're not," he moved his arm around her and pulled her against his chest, "I just need some time, please."

The whole situation was messing with her head. She knew they couldn't carry on like this, but she couldn't help herself around him. Being with him was different to others she had been with before. She felt like it was more than just sex for her, but she couldn't speak for him. He was probably just in it for the excitement. He'd tell her what she wanted to hear, right?

"I have to go," she muttered, pulling herself away from him again.

"Meet me tonight, please, at The Archfield," he asked as she went to leave the room again.

She sighed softly, maybe she just didn't have the will power anymore, and she didn't know why she then agreed to meet him there.

"Okay, I'll text you."

Without another word, and before he could say anything, she left the room, leaving him alone and making her way to the ER to find a case to distract herself with.


	11. Flashback: Don’t Let Me Go

**A/N: This is a very short flashback that follows on from the last chapter and hopefully serves as as some sort of further explanation? Hope you enjoy. :)**

* * *

**Sunday, April 11th, 2021**

**PM**

* * *

She pulled up in her car at the Archfield that evening, turning off the engine before pulling out her phone to send a quick message to him. _I'm here. Which room?_

She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel as she waited for his response, part of her not even sure why she'd even agreed to meet him again. She just couldn't keep herself away from him. She'd tried distractions, she'd tried ignoring him, avoiding him. She just couldn't keep away from him. She found herself yearning to be with him, even if it was just sex. The way he made her feel… it was indescribable.

Her phone chimed with an incoming message. She picked it up off her lap and read it as she climbed out of the car. _2319\. See you soon._ She released a soft sigh as she locked up the car and headed inside the building. She rode the elevator up to the floor, narrowing her eyes slightly as the door opened and she saw him standing outside the room, leaning against the door.

"What are you doing?" She asked as she approached him, lowering the bag off her shoulder as he took it from her.

"Waiting for you," he said with a smile, giving her a short kiss before opening the door, letting her walk inside before he followed her, "I've run us a bath."

She pulled off her jacket as she walked into the room, setting it on the bed, eyeing him suspiciously.

"What for?" _What was he up to?_

"I'm trying to do something nice for you here, a relaxing bath, order some room service," he slid his arms around her waist, pulling her gently to him with a soft kiss to her lips.

"I think you deserve the world, Meredith. And I owe you a full explanation."

"An explanation of what?" She asked, looking up at him with her brow furrowed slightly in confusion.

"I'll explain everything soon. Come, let's get in the bath before it goes cold," he told her as he started to unbutton her blouse, and she simply nodded in response as she helped with the removal of her blouse, stepping out of the heels she wore before removing her pants, left now just in her underwear.

"You are beautiful, you know. Exquisite," he murmured softly as he led her through to the bathroom that was probably bigger than the one she had at home, the bath definitely was bigger.

She felt a blush rise to her cheeks as she removed her underwear now, feeling a layer of perspiration on her skin from the heat of the bath and steam that surrounded them. He held her hand as she stepped into the bath, not realising he had also stripped himself of the clothes he'd been wearing. He stepped in behind her and pulled her back against him as they lay in the water, his arms around her middle as he pressed soft kisses to her neck.

"I can't resist," he murmured softly against her skin, and she found herself involuntarily biting her lip at the sensation. "I have to though, for now, it's time for your explanation. About my marriage."

"Derek…" she started in a soft voice, turning her head to look at him but he just shook his own.

"No, it's okay, I have to do this. My marriage isn't… Megan, she leads a double life, you could say. She thinks I don't know, but I do. I've known for a very long time. But she doesn't know that I know. When she goes off on holidays… I know she isn't faithful. She hasn't been faithful for five years, and we've been married for seven," he took a breath and reached for the wash cloth, squeezing it in his hand as he wet it, and slowly caressing it over Meredith's skin as she listened to him speak. "When I first met you… it took everything I had to put off kissing you as long as I did, and once I'd had a taste of you I couldn't let you go."

A moment of silence passed between them as Derek absentmindedly continued to caress her skin with the washcloth. Meredith's soft voice broke the silence, "Why haven't you divorced her? If she's been unfaithful all this time?"

"I just… I got busy. I blamed myself. A few years ago, I tried, and she said she'd change and she just hasn't changed," he sighed and buried his head against her neck, dropping the washcloth as he tightened his arms around her middle.

"And now?" She asked, her hand running through his damp hair.

"My lawyer is putting some papers together, I just... I want you to know that I have feelings for you, strong feelings, and if I could stay away from you until I was divorced, I would. But I can't," he murmured softly against her neck as he pressed soft kisses there, travelling down to her shoulder.

"I thought this was just sex, I thought you were just lonely, with her being away all the time…" she murmured softly, her head tilting to the side slightly.

"It might have started out like that," he admitted, resting his chin on her shoulder as he pulled her slightly closer, "But I don't know when that changed for me. Maybe it's always been more than sex. It definitely is now, it's definitely more than sex now."

"Why are you only saying this now?" She asked, pulling out of his hold and turning to face him, sat at the opposite end of the bath.

"Because I want to be with you, Meredith. Without the secrets, and sneaking around," he said, almost cautiously as she retreated from his hold.

He watched as she stood out of the bath, almost in a trance as the water ran over her bare skin until she pulled a towel around herself.

"Derek, I don't know… I never thought," she struggled to find the way to say what she wanted to say. She never thought this would become anymore than what it is. She never started out with the intention of ending a marriage. Which sounds ridiculous, really, because why sleep with a married man if you expect him to stay committed to his wife?

"You said you were leaving her two months ago, and then you never spoke of it again," she said in a quiet voice as he followed her out of the bath and wrapped a towel around his waist.

"I know," he said with a soft sigh, running his fingers through his damp hair, "That's why I'm telling you now. I've been speaking to my lawyer."

She listened but walked through into the main room, sitting on the bed. He quickly joined, sitting beside her on the bed.

"And you couldn't tell me anything before?" She asked, a slight frown of confusion on her face.

"I didn't want you to worry about it. It's not for you to worry about," he said, leaning down to press his lips against her shoulder a moment.

"I was starting to think you had changed your mind," she said in a soft whisper, looking down slightly.

"I definitely haven't done that," he said, brushing her hair out of the way before pressing gentle kisses against her neck.

"You're distracting my train of thought," she murmured, sliding her hand into his hair as she suddenly moved to straddle him, the towel dropping from around her.

"You're distracting me yourself… and irresistible. I have no willpower around you," he said, his hands moving to her waist as the tips of their noses brushed against one another.

"I just can't think straight when you're around, I know I should stay away, but as soon I see you, as soon as I'm with you, as soon as you touch me…" she trailed off, her voice going quieter as she pressed a kiss to his lips, "I'm done for."

"You worry too much," he murmured softly, his fingers lifting to run through her slightly damp hair tentatively.

"How can I not? You're still my boss, you're still married… all I do is worry," she murmured back, closing her eyes with a soft sigh.

"Oh, Meredith Grey…" he whispered softly, his fingertips tracing over her cheek a moment, pressing a short kiss to her lips a moment, "We're equals. When we're here, like this, we're equals."

"I know, you're telling me, Megan isn't faithful to you, but I can't stop feeling this guilt," Meredith admitted, feeling her eyes starting to water.

Derek frowned slightly and wrapped his arms around her to lift her and lay her in the bed, getting in beside her and holding her close to him. Her face burrowed against his chest as he held her, his fingers running through her hair as he pressed a kiss against the top of her head.

"This is all on me," he murmured, "I know I should have left her first, and I shouldn't have dragged you into this, but now that I have you here I can't let you go."

"I don't want you to let go," she whispered, her voice breaking slightly


	12. Ending Things... or at least trying to

**A/N: Back to the main storyline now, updates may slow down some as this is where I’m writing new content or adapting previously written content to fit the new direction of this story. Thanks for all the feedback and positive vibes so far!**

* * *

**Tuesday, 18th May, 2021.**

* * *

Meredith had just finished speaking to the family of the patient whose aneurysm she had clipped that morning and made her way to Derek’s office, to find him, to see what it was he wanted to speak with her about.

She couldn't help fidgeting with her fingers as she made her way to the office, lost in her own thoughts about what it was he might want to say to her. She ran her fingers through her hair after pulling the tie out, releasing the ponytail. Why was she so nervous about this?

She tried the door handle, expecting it to be locked, only for it to be unlocked. Opening the door, she stepped inside, not fully noting who was actually in the room. 

“Derek, you wanted to talk?” She asked, her voice trailing off slightly as she looked up to see who was standing there. 

“Oh, Megan, I didn’t see you there,” she told the woman who was leaning against the edge of Derek’s desk, inspecting her own manicured nails. 

Megan looked up at Meredith, her eyes scanning over Meredith’s appearance before narrowing her eyes slightly at her. 

“Have you seen my husband?” Megan asked with a quirked eyebrow.

“I was looking for him myself actually,” Meredith spoke in a quiet voice with a polite smile, having always felt slightly nervous around Megan. The familiar knot of guilt tightened in her stomach as she thought about the fact she’d been kissing the woman’s husband earlier that afternoon. 

“If you could get him for me, that would be great,” Megan said with an obviously fake smile toward Meredith, talking down to her as she normally did. 

“I’ll ask them to page him for you,” Meredith said with a nod before turning on her heel to walk out of the room. 

“Wait,” Megan stopped her and Meredith turned to look at her, “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about an affair Derek might be having, do you?”

“Oh, uhm no,” Meredith said with a slight frown, “Why do you say that?”

“He’s always working isn’t he? Through the night, at weekends, sometimes I wonder if he’s actually working at all,” she said with a shrug and a sigh, as though she were a totally innocent person herself. Which Meredith knew she wasn’t at all, but she was in no position to judge. 

“He does work a lot, it’s part of the job really,” Meredith said with a small shrug of her shoulders. 

“Do you have a boyfriend, Meredith? A husband at all?” Megan asked. 

“No, I’m not with anyone right now,” Meredith asked, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at Megan at the insinuation she would only be with a man. 

“And is this the life you have chosen for yourself? Working all hours until you die? You’ll never find someone with this lifestyle, you know,” Megan said, as though she was giving Meredith advice, “Derek’s lucky I still stick around.”

“I’ll bear that in mind, Megan,” Meredith said with a tight smile, before turning around again, “I'll go see if I can find Derek for you.”

“Thanks, I mean, after last night I just couldn’t wait to  _ come  _ and see him again,” Megan said, a tone to her voice that made Meredith think she was looking to get a reaction from her. 

Meredith felt a slight heat on her cheeks and was glad she was looking away at this point. She kept her voice steady, despite feeling her heart drop into her stomach, as she opened the door to step out the office. 

“I’ll just go find him for you.”

* * *

“Meredith,” Derek called out her name as he saw her closing the door to his office.

She looked up at him with a small shake of her head as she approached him and he furrowed his brow slightly in confusion.

“Can we talk?” He asked, holding his hand out to her, but she didn’t take it.

“Derek, we can’t, not now,” Meredith started to say but he cut her off.

“Why? I really need to talk to you,” he pleaded, “You said we could talk.”

“It’s not… Derek,” she looked him straight in the eye, and he could see a sheen of tears covering her eyes, “You need to go into your office, your wife is here.”

“Wait here for me, please,” he asked, his fingers brushing her arm as she stepped back from him. 

“I have to go,” is all she could say before walking around him and out of sight. 

He wanted so badly to walk after her, to make things right with her. But he had to sort Megan out, or she’d only come looking for him. At this point with Addison knowing the secret of his affair with Meredith, and having her own ulterior motives for seeing Derek fail, he couldn’t trust she wouldn’t say something to Megan. That would make the whole thing come crumbling down.

* * *

“Megan, why are you here?” Derek said, not a hint of invite in his tone as he closed the office door behind him. 

“I’ve brought the signed paperwork,” she said, pulling it out of her bag and going to hand it over to him before pulling back as he reached for them, “Are you sure you want to do this? You’ll never find anyone like me.”

“Megan, why would I want to be with someone who takes my money to go on holidays 300 days out of the year with other men?” Derek said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“And what would your mother say to you getting a divorce?” She said, narrowing her eyes at him, thinking she had one over on him. 

“She’d say good riddance,” Derek said back with a slight smirk, holding his hand out, “Now give me the papers and go back to New York, you’re not wanted here and you never even wanted to come here.”

She thrust the papers towards him, almost dropping them to the floor if he hadn’t caught hold of them in time. She picked her bag up off the chair as headed toward the door, turning to him a moment before she left. 

“That blonde colleague of yours, the one that follows you around everywhere, you really should be careful,” Megan said with a smirk, “She really does get around, you know.”

“Megan, you’re pregnant and have no idea who the father is, but it’s definitely not me, so just leave!” Derek almost shouted, at the end of his tether now as he moved behind the desk to sit on the chair, ready to call his lawyer. 

“Bye, DerBear,” she said with a smirk before leaving the room, unaffected by his anger. 

If he had something near him to throw, he’d have probably thrown it at the door behind her with the rage he was feeling. He needed to calm down, though. He needed to call his lawyer and get this over with, and then he needed to go and find Meredith before Addison could.

* * *

Her shift having finished for the day now, Meredith quickly changed in the residents’ lounge before heading over the road to Joe’s bar. The whole time she avoided speaking with anyone, knowing that if anyone asked how she was she would break down there and then. 

She needed to forget about Derek. She needed to forget about Addison. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She stared at the shot of tequila in front of her, her stomach still feeling uneasy from her run-in with Megan. 

She didn’t know for sure if Derek was still sleeping with Megan at all. She’d never asked, and he’d never clarified it to her. But after what Megan had said… well she was leaning toward it being more likely that he was. 

She found herself suddenly downing the shot of tequila before groaning softly and lowering her face against her arms on the table in front of her. She’d chosen to not sit right at the bar for everyone to witness her woe, she sat at a table in the far back. In fact, it was the table Derek had been sat at when they first came to their arrangement.

“Does drinking ever work out for you?” 

Her head snapped up to look at the person who the voice belonged to. In front of her stood Addison, looking as attractive as usual, if not more, and Meredith groaned softly again before sitting back in her seat. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked her, her eyes slightly narrowed. 

“I didn’t exactly come looking for you, I’m just glad I found you here,” Addison said with a slight smirk before sitting beside Meredith in the booth. 

“I don’t need company,” Meredith muttered. 

“I’m not giving up on you, Meredith,” Addison said, her arm moving around Meredith’s shoulders. 

Meredith couldn’t help but lean into Addison’s hold, almost melting against her as she felt herself giving up. 

“Now, let’s maybe stop drinking away your sorrows and I’ll take you home,” Addison suggested, tightening her hold on Meredith ever so slightly. 

“No, Addie,” Meredith said with a sigh, pulling herself out of Addison’s hold as she heard the chime on the door signalling someone’s entrance. 

Her gaze flickered over to see Derek walking in now and heading straight up to the bar, not having seen her yet. She found herself wanting to move out of the booth and go to him, but her own doubts about how he felt about her and the run in she’d had with his wife earlier held her back. As did the hand Addison had rested on her thigh. 

“Baby, don’t,” Addison said in a soft voice, her lips close to Meredith’s ear as she spoke and the blonde’s head turned slightly to look at her. 

“I’m not your baby anymore, Addie,” Meredith said, her voice breaking slightly at the word ‘baby’ and she closed her eyes to blink away tears that had started to form with the emotion of hearing Addison call her baby again. 

“Then why do you keep calling me Addie?” Addison said with a whisper. 

Suddenly, she felt Addison’s soft lips against hers and only hesitated a moment before returning the kiss, feeling Addison’s hand slide further up her thigh and her other hand grip her blonde locks gently. 

She found her own hand moving to the side of Addison’s neck, playing with strands of her hair between her fingers as their kisses deepened, momentarily forgetting the public setting. She pulled her lips back slightly breathless, meeting the look of desire in Addison’s eyes and she was suddenly reminded of a very important detail. 

“Stop,” Meredith said, pulling away from Addison and climbing out of the booth, “Just stop.”

“Meredith?” She heard Derek’s voice close by, turning to find him standing just behind her, and she looked back to Addison who just looked pissed off at the intrusion. 

“No, stop, both of you,” she said moving away from Derek, her hand raising to run her fingers through her hair. 

“You need to go. Go back to California. You’re  _ engaged _ , Addison. You don’t want me, you’re just scared of that. If you don’t want to be with him then  _ fine _ . Go and sort that out and stop screwing with me,” Meredith rushed out, gesturing toward Addison as she spoke. 

“And Derek,” she turned to look at him now, “Just go and fix things with your wife, and stop screwing with me, too.”

She released a breath before turning away from the both of them and leaving the bar, intent on walking the rest of the way home. She needed to clear her head. She needed to think. She needed to get away. 

She got a cab to drop her off at the ferry terminal, and she was glad she had brought her coat with her as she pulled it closer around her middle feeling the wind cold on her skin as it sent a chill through her body. She stayed out on the deck as the ferry moved across the river, letting the cold air sober her up.

She kept her head low as she left the ferry, keeping the wind out of her face as she held the coat tight still. She sighed softly as she stood by the terminal. She hadn’t actually thought about what she’d do after getting off the ferry. She’d never got this far without either her own car or being in his car and she had no idea of the address, just the direction to go in. 

Which is why, for whatever irrational reason going through her mind, she found herself walking in the pitch black to get to the land where Derek’s trailer sat. The land they had held as their own sanctuary for the past seven months, ever since that first night. 


	13. Flashback: Let’s Do This

**A/N: Okay so this goes back to follow on from the flashback from chapter four when Derek propositions Meredith... enjoy. :)**

* * *

**Wednesday, November 17th, 2020.**

* * *

She was already half-way drunk when she spotted him sitting on his own in the corner of the bar, watching her. Cristina had left her alone to go to the toilet, so she climbed off the stool she sat on and made her way over to where he sat in the corner booth, nursing his whiskey.

"Dr Shepherd," she greeted him with a half smirk, sitting a little too close beside him in the booth, if anyone were to be watching them.

"Dr Grey," he returned with an amused smirk, "How can I help you?"

"Sex with you was amazing," she said bluntly, partly due to the tequila running through her system, "I've not had sex like that for years."

"Meredith…" he murmured her name softly as his hand dropped to rest on her thigh, "I feel the same way."

"I have to know a few things," her breath hitched slightly as his fingertips wandered further up the inside of her thigh, and she felt the muscles of her vagina twitch slightly.

"Mhm," he hummed softly, knowing exactly the effect he had on her.

"Why do you want this? You have a wife," she bit her lip to force back a soft moan as his fingers rubbed a little over the crotch of her jeans.

"She's not around, and she doesn't satisfy me, definitely not as near as much as you do," he explained simply, using his free hand to sip at his drink before he continued, "and you, Meredith, you're just… I have fantasised a lot about how it would be to be with you. The real thing doesn't come close to those fantasies."

"We need rules," she murmured softly, still distracted by his fingers against her jeans, "No sex at the hospital. We can… my house. A hotel. Or we can be less publicly adventurous," she said, moving her hand over his as she moved it out of her lap, "But not at the hospital, and not at the house you share with her. I don't have time for getting caught, or for any drama."

"Those are very reasonable rules," he said with a slight smirk, realising she was agreeing to doing this with him, "given who your mother and step-father are, it would be in my best interests for us to not get caught."

"Exactly," she agreed, having not even thought about that angle, "Now, I need another drink, if you don't mind."

"Can't I take you home now?" He asked before she could leave the booth, and she could see the slight darkening of his iris' as their eyes met, similar to the shade she had noticed earlier.

She hesitated a moment, knowing exactly what would end up happening if she went out to the car with him. She would have blamed it on the alcohol, or the way he had been touching her through her jeans moments before, but really she just had a strong desire to feel him inside her again.

"Maybe you could drive me home," she said, biting her lower lip slightly.

"I'll meet you outside?" He suggested, gently squeezing her thigh again before finishing his drink.

She nodded as she slid out of the booth, heading over to the bar where Cristina had returned and grabbing her coat.

"I'm heading home," she told her, putting her arms through the sleeves as she spoke.

"Getting a cab? I'll join you," Cristina said, not thinking much of Meredith's statement as she went to stand up from the stool.

"Oh, erm, no," she gave Cristina a pointed look, hoping she could read the message in the widened expression of her eyes.

Cristina looked at her, puzzled a moment until she caught Derek in the booth still in the corner of her eye, who was watching Meredith intently, and then looked back at her friend with a knowing look.

"Oh, I see, well, I guess I'll see you when I see you," she said with raised eyebrows, sitting back down on the stool and signalling Joe over to order another drink, "Just be careful, Mer."

"It'a just sex, Cris," she said with a slightly drunken smirk before turning around and heading out the bar, standing against the outside brick wall as she waited for Derek to join her.

She could still feel the alcohol buzzing through her veins as she stood there, waiting, and hadn't even noticed that someone had leaned against the wall besides her, her mind lost in thought and replaying the scenes from his office earlier that day.

"Well aren't you looking beautiful tonight?"

An unfamiliar voice spoke beside her, pulling her out of her porny thoughts and she frowned, turning to look at the stranger, "Can I help you?"

"I think the question is, how can I help you?" The stranger said, grabbing her arm to pull her close, but she tugged her arm back, slapping his cheek with the other.

"Don't fucking touch me," she growled at the man.

"Meredith!" She heard Derek behind her, who then moved between herself and the stranger, glaring at him, "Go away, now."

The stranger simply rolled his eyes, muttering as he turned to walk away. Once he was sure the guy wouldn't be coming back, Derek turned to look at Meredith, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I can handle myself, you know," she narrowed her eyes at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I can see that," he told her, his hand moving to her waist and stepping closer to her, "Shall we get you home, then?"

Her mood softened at his touch and his proximity to her, and she tilted her chin up to look at him better in the darkness, "What if I don't want to go home just yet?"

"What would you like to do?" He asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"Do you think we'll be able to get a room somewhere this late?" She asked as she slid a hand up his chest, resting it by the side of his neck.

"I have a better idea, it's a bit of a drive away…" he mused, moving them so that she was pressed back against the brick wall gently, his lips pressing against hers in a slow kiss.

She grinned softly against his lips with a murmur, "Take me for a ride, Derek."

* * *

As he drove on to the ferry, Meredith looked over at him slightly suspicious, the buzz from the alcohol having faded somewhat now.

"Where are you taking me?" She asked, tilting her head to one side as he put the car in park.

"Somewhere we won't be found, and you can be as loud as you like," he told her with a slight smirk, reaching his hand over to cup his cheek, "I noticed you're not on the schedule for tomorrow."

"Hm, I find it convenient we both have the same day off," she commented, her eyes meeting his as she tilted her head into his palm.

"Very convenient, isn't it?" He said with a half grin, half smirk as he dropped his hand, "Come over here."

She unfastened her seatbelt and moved across the centre console, moving to sit in his lap with her legs kneeled on the seat either side of him as his hands held her waist.

"Like this?" She asked in a whisper, raising an eyebrow.

His hands drifted from holding her at her waist and up the sides of her body slightly as their lips met in slow kisses, her body moving forward against his as he hummed against her lips in agreement.

She didn't even notice he'd unbuttoned her blouse until she felt his cool hands against her stomach and she gasped softly, catching his lower lip between her teeth with a gentle tug. He groaned softly at the sensation, but continued in his attempts to undress her, unfastening her jeans and pushing them down slightly as his hands moved to grab at her ass.

"Derek," she moaned out softly, her head tilting to the side as he used one hand to brush her hair out of the way before kissing against her neck, his touch melting any resolve she may have had.

"Meredith," he murmured innocently against her neck, as though he had done nothing wrong, and gently nipped at her skin as his hand slipped down the front of her jeans, rubbing against her panties.

"This is still public," she managed to breathe out between slight moans, her forehead now resting forward against his shoulder as she felt his finger slipping under the lace of her panties.

"Tinted windows," he excused as he continued to tease her with his fingertip, able to almost feel the hammering of her heart against her chest as she pressed into him more.

"You want to tease?" She murmured softly, her head lifting to gently nip his ear lobe, enticing a low groan from deep within his chest.

"I feel like you're planning something," he murmured softly close to her ear as he rubbed his finger against her clit in agonisingly slow motions.

They just about heard the fog horn of the ferry indicating they were close to shore and would be alighting the ferry soon, and she groaned softly at the loss of contact as he pulled his hand away.

"I'm always planning something, Dr Shepherd," she said with a slight smirk, biting her lip as she climbed off him, fastening up her blouse again but keeping her jeans unfastened.

His eyes looked over her, misted over with arousal as he thought about how she might tease him. How he might tease her in return.

"It's a really good thing we aren't working tomorrow," he muttered and shook his head slightly as he fastened his seatbelt, concentrating on driving now as the cars left the ferry one by one.

Driving down the more desolate roads toward their destination, Meredith decided to put her plan of teasing into action. She still had no idea where he was taking her, and he could be kidnapping her for all she knew, but she was distracted by her own arousal and sexual need.

Her hand crept over to rest on his thigh, and she saw him glance over at her in the corner of his eye before concentrating back on the road again.

"I hope you're going to behave," he told her as he focused on driving.

"I think you'd much rather I misbehaved," she said with a soft smirk, her fingers not so subtle as they drifted over the outline of his erect dick under his jeans.

"Meredith Grey, if I crash this car…" he muttered softly.

"Why would you crash the car?" She asked with playful cluelessness as she used one hand to unfasten and unzip his jeans, sliding her hand over his boxers with a gentle grip.

"Do you need me to drive?"

He simply shook his head, and she noticed him pressing his lips together in a thin line, clearly holding back on his words and keeping himself under control as he was driving, now on a more off-road track. She clicked onto the slight whitening of his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel tighter.

Her fingers slid under his boxers now, her fingers touching the bare skin of his throbbing length, feeling the moisture of his pre-cum on the tips of her fingers as she gripped him. She slowly pulled him out of the boxers so she could get a proper grip around his dick, moving her hand up and down slowly, lubricated by his moisture.

She made use of her free hand now, sliding her fingers into her jeans and under her panties as she felt her own moisture, a soft moan escaping her lips as she rubbed her clit and stimulated his length at the same time. She noticed his quick glance over to her when he clocked the movement of her massaging herself.

Derek had stopped the car and she didn't know where they were as it was almost pitch black outside minus the headlights, but she wasn't focused on looking outside. Their eyes met for a moment and she basked in the aroused look he gave her before he reached to unfasten her seatbelt and his own, giving them more range of movement.

"You really are a tease," he murmured as a groan left his lips, his hand moving to replace hers in her jeans as she moved closer in her seat, leaning over the centre console to lower her lips to the tip of his length.

She heard his sharp intake of breath as the tip of her tongue teased the head of his dick, his fingers massaging firmly against her clit as she moaned softly. All thoughts of teasing gone, she lowered her lips down over his length, pushing her mouth down as far as she could go. She felt his fingers gripping at her hair and the slight buck of his hips, pushing the tip of his dick against the back of her throat.

She pulled her lips back again, simultaneously dragging her tongue up his length, continuing to move her tongue around him, tasting him as she lowered her lips again.

"Fuck, Meredith," he moaned out, and she felt his grip tightening slightly in her hair as he moved his hand out of her jeans and into her hair, no longer able to focus on the pleasure he wanted to give her as his hips moved with the movement of her mouth and tongue on his throbbing dick.

She continued her movements, spurred on by the slight pulling of her hair as she pleasured him, able to feel the throbbing of his length against her tongue as he approached his climax. Her hand slid into his boxers and massaged his balls, earning a louder groan from deep within Derek's chest.

"Baby, I'm so close," he muttered, allowing her to continue for a moment longer before reluctantly pulling her off him. She looked up at him with a slight frown and he explained in a low, slightly hoarse, voice, "I want to come inside you."

She quickly adjusted herself, kicking off her shoes and pushing off her jeans and panties before straddling him in his seat again, similar to how they were positioned on the ferry. She could already feel her own wetness on her inner thigh from his previous teasing and her arousal from pleasuring him, hearing her name being moaned from between his lips. Arousal from even just looking at him.

His dick thrust up into her and she moaned out with the movement, his hands moving up her back and gripping her shoulders to push her down onto him. Their lips met in a hot and passionate kiss as she moved up and down on top of him, feeling his girth stretching her tight walls as she moved. His hands moved to unfasten her blouse, making a quick job of taking it off her, keeping their lips attached with desperate kisses.

She could tell he was holding off on releasing his orgasm, as fast and hard as she was moving against him, desperate for her own climax and gripping onto his seat to help propel her movements. As one hand gripped into her hair, his free hand slid down her front, his fingers rubbing hard against her clit, determined for her to finish with him.

She found her climax building up quickly now with his added movements, her moans against his lips louder as she slammed down harder against him, and he lifted his hips to meet hers.

"Come with me, baby, scream my name," he muttered before gently nipping at her lip and stimulating his fingers more firmly and faster against her clit.

It wasn't much longer until she found herself doing exactly that, screaming out his name as she hit her climax and her orgasm released around him. As she rode out the orgasm, her tight walls contracting and pulsating around his dick, she vaguely registered the feeling of his warm come spilling inside her. He returned her screams with his own loud, repeated moaning of her name as they rode out their orgasms together. He stayed inside her, still feeling her contracting around him, as her forehead fell forward against his shoulder and they attempted to catch their breath.

"I hope you have more where that came from, baby," he murmured close to her ear as his fingers ran through her hair.

They stayed as they were for a moment before Derek turned the car off, leaving them with only the small overhead light as he took his shirt off to dress her in. She went to move out of his lap and back to the passenger seat, but his hands on her hips stopped her and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"Stay there, I'll carry you inside," he explained, fixing his jeans before opening the car door.

A chill from outside swept into the car, causing Meredith to shiver and move into the warmth of Derek's chest, her nipples hardened against him from the cold. His arms wrapped around her and held her close to him as she secured her legs around his waist when he climbed out the car with her.

"Where exactly is inside?" She asked him as she tried to look around in the dark, her arms around his neck.

"My trailer," he said with a soft chuckle, able to find his way to the small porch in the dark and flick on the outside lights so she could see better before he opened the door to the trailer.

He carefully set her down on her bare feet on the porch and she pulled away from him to look around a little better at the outside of the silver trailer. Her arms pulled the shirt closer around her and she pressed her lips together, her expression unreadable.

"I figured this would be a good place for us to come, in more than one sense of the word," he smirked at her.

She laughed softly at him with a slight shake of her head, heading for the door into the trailer to inspect the inside.

"Why do you have a trailer in the middle of nowhere? Don't you have a house with central heating and hot running water?" She asked as she took in the interior decoration of the trailer.

Walking straight through the door, she was in a small kitchen area with a small booth-type table and chairs set up. Further down the small hallway, if that's what you'd call it, she could see the double bed that took up most of the room at the bottom end of the trailer. A door to the left she assumed was the toilet, with a glass door opposite that appeared to be a shower.

A shiver ran down her spine, not from the cold in the air, as Derek's arms slid around her from behind and started kissing her neck slowly, his lips lingering with each movement.

"I like it out here, away from everywhere and everyone else," he murmured just below her ear, "I own 40 acres of land here. She doesn't want to live in the woods, though. And there is running hot water, let's have a shower so I can prove it to you."

"I like the sound of that. Being out here away from everywhere, and everyone. I also like the sound of a hot shower," she said with a slight moan as his teeth nipped at her ear lobe.

He took his shirt off her, his lips still pressing kisses at her neck as he stood behind her. Leaving her standing there naked, he walked around her to the shower, turning it on for the water to warm up before removing the remainder of his clothes. His eyes looked up to meet hers as they both stood naked in front of each other.

"I don't think I'll ever get enough of you," he said with a slight husk to his voice as he stepped forward to lift her up against him, her legs hooked on his hips, "You're absolutely breathtaking."

She felt a slight blush raise on her cheeks at his words, and before she knew it his lips were pressed hard against hers and they were under the hot running water of the shower, her back pressed up against the tiled wall.

* * *

**Wednesday, 19th May, 2021.**

**12:30am**

* * *

The trailer became their safe haven. The one place they didn't have to worry about being interrupted, or get caught. Many nights were arranged for them to meet there, but she never slept over any time other than that first night. She only stayed then because she had no way of getting back to mainland Seattle.

That's why Meredith, eventually, found herself there now. She could be alone here, at least as long as Derek didn't think to come looking for her here or come here himself.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, seeing it was almost half past midnight, she must've walked at least an hour to finally get here from the ferry. As liberating as the walk felt, she was exhausted. She could always go in the trailer, sleep there. But she also wanted to look over Seattle as it slept.

She had built up warmth from the walk, and took her coat off, thankful the wind had died down now as she sat near the cliff edge, using her coat to protect herself from the slightly damp grass. She fiddled with her phone as she sat there, half expecting it to be ringing with people wondering where she was. Cristina was probably stuck at the hospital, so wouldn't know she wasn't home, but she half expected alternate calls from Derek and Addison.

She looked at her phone again, only to release a soft sigh when she realised the battery had died. She threw it to one side before laying back on the grass to look up at the clear night sky. She could feel herself being pulled into sleep as she lay there, staring up at the stars, and it wasn't long until she was fully asleep.


	14. Time and Choices

**Wednesday, 19th May, 2021**

* * *

She woke to the feeling of water against her face, and scrunched her face in confusion as she woke. It was raining. She’d fallen asleep on the grass and it was raining. She groaned softly as she sat up, wiping at her face realising it must’ve been raining for some time before she’d actually woken up. She stood up, picking her coat up and looked around. She was still alone there. 

She walked across the grass and to the trailer, sitting on the chair on the porch as she watched the rain start to come down heavier, her damp clothes clinging to her skin in the humidity. She had no idea what time it was or how long she’d been asleep for, but she guessed it was almost midday by now. 

She ran her fingers through her damp hair with a sigh, she really hadn’t thought this through last night. How on earth was she going to get home now? Her eyes flickered to the door of the trailer. She could always just use his shower, borrow his clothes and make her way to the ferry. He would’ve known she was there and she’d have to give the clothes back, though. 

Just as she stood out of the chair, she heard the sound of a car approaching and looked up to see Derek’s car approaching the trailer. That last excuse just flew out the window and she sighed softly, knowing there wasn’t really any way she could avoid him now.

“Meredith, where have you been?” He asked as he got out the car, coming up towards her. 

“I was here,” she said with a shrug, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“I’ve been trying to call you,” he explained, stopping a little distance in front of her. 

“My phone died,” she said with a sigh, “and I fell asleep and I can’t call a cab so I was just going to change and wait out the rain before walking to the ferry…”

“Walking to the ferry?” He asked, his brow furrowed, “You can’t walk from here to the ferry that would take well over an hour!” He said, running his hand through his hair.

“That’s how I got here last night,” she said, rolling her eyes. 

“Come inside before you catch a cold,” he said with a slight shake of his head, leading the way into the trailer and leaving the door open for her. 

She hesitantly walked inside, her nose scrunched up a little as she wrapped her arms around herself. She’d rather be able to just go home. She didn’t have the patience to deal with him today. Even though she was the one who had come to his trailer, that's besides the point. 

“Here, get in the shower before you catch a cold,” he said to her, passing a clean towel out of the cupboard, “I’ll put your clothes on to wash.”

She sighed softly before she peeled off the damp clothes, covering her naked self from his view with the towel while he sat on the bed waiting for her. Without saying another word to him, she got in the shower under the hot water, unable to fight the relief she felt from the warmth. She could hear him moving around in the trailer as she washed herself with the lavender soap he’d kept in the shower just for her. She did wish he wouldn’t do things like that, it made it harder to stop feeling the way she did for him when it wasn’t reasonable or practical to do so. 

After rinsing off and turning off the water, she wrapped the towel around herself and briefly thought about the fact this was the first time she had showered without him in the trailer. She stepped back out and noticed he had left clean clothes on the bed for her, one of his tops and his grey sweatpants that she definitely remembers him protesting against her wearing one time. She looked to him with a raised eyebrow, and he chuckled softly at her expression. 

“Use your words, Meredith. You can still talk to me, you know. The clothes are for you, while yours are washing,” he explained as he was pouring them both a coffee each. 

“I’m surprised you’re letting me wear these, that’s all,” she commented as she changed into them. He came over with the mugs of coffee once she had changed and was sat cross legged on the bed and he sat beside her. 

“As much as I’d prefer you walking around naked, I figured it’s best we keep you warm, and it’s best I’m not distracted. We still need to talk,” he said, his head turning to face her as he held the mug of coffee in his hands. 

“What do we need to talk about?” She asked before softly blowing on the hot coffee and taking a sip. 

“Well, for starters, Megan signed the divorce papers,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee as he faces forward again, “She’s pregnant.”

“But you’re still divorcing her?” Meredith, asked, confused now. 

“Yeah. It’s not mine. There’s no way it could be mine unless she stole my sperm in the night, we haven’t been together in over 12 months ” he looked at her with a slight smirk but there was still sadness in his eyes, “She admitted it isn’t mine anyway. She’s gone back to New York.”

“Oh, I see. I’m sorry,” she said in a quiet voice, holding the hot mug close to her chest for warmth, and she looked at him, her brow furrowed, “You’ve only been with me?”

“I have only been with you since I met you, and don’t worry, it’s been a long time coming,” Derek said with a shrug, “I regret not doing it sooner. I know I said I’d do it back in February and you’ve been kept in limbo this whole time, and I feel awful about doing that to you, I really do,” he continued, resting his hand on her thigh as he spoke, “Meredith, I’m in love with you. You’ve changed my life, and I know I’ve hurt you and I kept on hurting you every day I stayed with her.”

“Derek, I,” she seemed lost for words and he shook his head as he reached his hand to cup her cheek.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers in a soft, slow kiss. “I just need you to know that I love you, Meredith Grey.”

Her hand reached into his hair as she still held on to her coffee mug and he felt the familiar gentle tug of her fingers on the strands, pulling his lips back onto hers. He obliged, giving her another soft, slow kiss as one of his hands slipped into her damp hair and he felt a slight shiver emanate from her. 

“Baby, you’re cold,” he murmured softly, keeping their lips close. 

“I’m not, I just,” she murmured softly, pulling herself back from him again and looking out the window to the house, her brow furrowed and her gaze far away, as though another thought had entered her mind. 

“Speak to me, Meredith,” he spoke softly, reaching his hand to take hers again with a gentle squeeze. 

“You spoke to Addison,” is all she said as she turned to look at him, the confused look still lining her expression, “You told Addison about us.”

“I… yes, I did speak to Addison. I’ve been speaking with Addison about you since I met you, if I’m completely honest. I didn’t even think that she was the same Addison you told me about last December,” he admitted to her, keeping hold of her hand in his as she took in the information that Addison hadn’t told her.

“Addison knew. This whole time, she knew what has been going on,” Meredith shook her head with a bitter laugh, “Did she tell you about me? About what happened between her and I?”

“No, Meredith. She never once mentioned you, I’m sorry,” he said, reaching for the blanket off the bed and handing it to her, “here I really don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“Thanks,” she murmured softly as she pulled the blanket around herself, getting comfortable in it before looking up at him again, “Did she ever tell you anything?”

“Honestly, when I really think back to a few years ago, she mentioned meeting someone in passing but then she’d moved on to California and didn’t speak of it again. She hadn’t even said she had been in Seattle,” he trailed off as Meredith’s gaze focused on the window looking outside the trailer, “You never did tell me how close you two were, either.”

“She came to the hospital in my second year of residency,” Meredith began telling him, the words falling out as she continued to look out the window, “I was already dead set on neurosurgery, so I hadn’t even realised she was technically my boss until… anyway, I actually met her in Joe’s. Dr Sloan had been pestering again and she swatted him away for me, not that I wouldn’t have done it myself,” a soft laugh escaped her lips at the memory, and she still didn’t look at him. 

“Wait, Dr Sloan? Mark Sloan?” Derek asked incredulously, not realising she also knew his childhood best friend. 

“Yeah,” she said, looking at him now, confused again, “You know him?”

“He’s practically my brother,” Derek said with a soft chuckle.

“It really shocks me that no one told you about me specifically, you know. Addison didn’t, Sloan didn’t… I mean nothing ever happened with Sloan, but I may have wounded his ego on more than one occasion,” she said with a shrug.

“I wouldn’t worry about that, he needs it knocking down a peg or two anyway,” he told her, laughing softly again.

“Yeah. Anyway,” she looked back out the window as she continued, “I met her in Joe’s. I went back to hers. Slipped out the next morning, my modus operandi if you wish. Only to walk into the hospital and be assigned to her service. Long story short, we continued seeing each other, I never wanted to commit, and just when I thought… my mother found out, and apparently had her shipped off to California. Ellis never was a fan of my lesbian side. I didn’t know this is what happened though. Up until the Christmas party, it was my understanding that Addison got fed up of me not knowing what I wanted, broke up with me, and left for a new life in California,” her voice had become quieter by the end, and he noticed a tear slip down her cheek that she quickly wiped away. 

A silence fell between them, he didn’t know what he was supposed to say to her, how to make her feel better. His hand reached out, hesitant to touch her shoulder, but he dropped it when she released a deep sigh before suddenly speaking again.

“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered, holding the mug in both of her hands as she sipped at the coffee absentmindedly. 

“I think there are decisions to be made,” Derek said, standing up off the bed and carrying his now empty mug and hers to the sink, setting them inside before leaning with his back against the counter. 

“I need to be honest with you,” she looked up at him, gently biting her lip. 

“About what?” He asked, his brows knitted together as he watched her eyes welling with tears, “What’s wrong?”

She buried her face against her hands, mumbling something but he couldn’t quite make out what it was she was saying. 

“Meredith, I can’t hear you if you cover your mouth like that,” he told her, and she looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Addison, she, uhm, the past few days... we may have been doing more than just talk while she’s been here,” he noticed a slight blush on her cheeks as she spoke. 

“Oh,” he breathed out as he realised what she was trying to tell him, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to hear what she was saying. His heart was hammering in his chest. He knew they had a history, he thought it would be just that, a history. And he’d seen the kiss in Joe’s yesterday...

“Oh, God,” she muttered, lowering her head into her hands again and he watched her for a moment, an internal conflict in his mind. 

He’d told her not even ten minutes earlier, she was the only one he had been with these past six months they’d shared together. But did she even know before that? Did she know that she was the only one for him? As far as she knew, he was messing about with her at work and climbing into bed with his wife at home. She never knew the truth, and he abandoned her time, and time again. He couldn’t be angry at her own confliction. He couldn’t be angry that a woman she once loved - maybe still even loved - had come back after so long, and all those feelings came rushing back. After everything she had just told him about their history, he couldn’t begin to imagine what had been going through her mind the past couple of days, not just now, and he can’t have been helping with that. 

He approached the bed again, sitting beside her and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her closer to him as he pressed his lips against the top of her head for a short moment, trying to reassure her softly, “It’s okay, Meredith.”

“I feel... I don’t know how I feel,” she spoke quietly, as though afraid her voice would break, “I don’t think I regret it, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve said all these things now that I didn’t know before, and if I’d known, I would never have let it get that far, I don’t think.”

“I understand, Meredith. I do,” he cupped her cheek with his hand, gently guiding her to look at him again so that she wasn’t hiding her face, allowing him to look into her eyes again as he spoke, hoping she could see the sincerity in his, “It doesn’t change how I feel about you. You could run me down with your car and I’d still be madly in love with you,” a smirk hinted at his lips as he tried to cheer her up, lightening the mood a little. 

“You’re... mental,” she laughed softly, shaking her head a little, “I promise not to run you down with my car... or your car, for that matter.”

“You’re still adamant you’re going to get to drive my car?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at her as he scoffed playfully. 

“Well,” she said, perking up a little more now as the tension dissipated from the atmosphere around them, and she moved to sit in his lap, straddling him on the bed. His hands fixed on her waist as she leant her forehead against his, and he recognised the familiar playfulness in her eyes, “You’re madly in love with me, remember? You said you’d do anything for me.”

“You...” he started, completely lost for words at her rebuttal, and all he could think to do was press his lips against hers, moving one hand to tangle his fingers in her hair and hold her against him.

“Derek,” she murmured softly against his lips before pulling back a little, “I don’t know how I feel, about us, about you.”

“It’s okay,” he murmured back, lifting his hand to stroke her cheek gently, “It’s okay if you don’t know right now.”

“I think I need to make a choice, I need to take time and think. And I have the boards coming up and I need to study and all this isn’t helping,” her eyes looked into his as she sighed softly and then lowered her head forward against his shoulder. 

“I’ll wait for you,” he said in a soft voice, his arms around her and holding her close, “You’re worth every second of waiting.”


	15. Things are Changing

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and positive feedback! I'm glad people are still enjoying this story,** **it's interesting to see everyone's reactions and thoughts. They influence the way the story is written more than people may think!**

* * *

Derek had insisted on taking her all the way home rather than just giving her a ride to the ferry, wanting to make sure she got home safe. She didn't find herself protesting, really. She was tired after sleeping on the ground all night and wanted a proper rest before work the next day.

As soon as she got in the house she made sure to put her phone on charge and considered changing out of the clothes borrowed from Derek, but decided to keep them on for a while longer instead. Her plan was to relax, and study. If you could do both things at once. Which was unlikely, but she could at least study whilst comfortable, and she was very comfortable in his sweatpants. They were comfortable sweatpants.

She grabbed the books she needed from her room, taking them down to the living room and getting herself set up, making sure she had various snacks and drinks at the ready as she put on some of her mother's old surgery tapes. Before she sat down, she noticed a pile of mail on the side table by the front door and went to investigate, seeing they were all for her.

One particular envelope caught her eye, an overseas letter from… England? Her breath caught slightly as realisation washed over her. She completely forgot about studying and picked it up, hesitant to open it at first but once she'd started she couldn't get it open quick enough. Her eyes scanned over the words, feeling them well slightly with tears of joy. They'd accepted her. They wanted her to do her pediatric neurosurgery fellowship in Yorkshire. It was almost unbelievable and, she realised, exactly what she needed to do.

* * *

She held the paper tight in her hands. She never thought they'd actually consider her. She approached the door of his office cautiously, running through what she'd say to him. How was she going to tell him? His door was open and she stepped inside. He was working on some paperwork at his desk and she stood in the doorway, just watching him. Eventually, he noticed her presence and looked up with a raised eyebrow.

"Dr Grey?" He set his pen down on the desk in front of him, "What is it? Aren't you supposed to be studying?"

She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her, locking it so that they weren't interrupted. She held up the paper as she spoke, even though he wouldn't be able to see it from where he sat, "I have a fellowship offer."

"Oh?" He sat back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest as he studied her excitement, "Where from?"

"Well, I'd forgotten I'd even applied, I didn't think for a moment they would even consider me and then this letter came and I, yeah…" she trailed off with a grin on her face.

"Meredith, slow down what is it?" He chuckled softly as he watched her.

She moved closer to the desk, placing the piece of paper in front of him as she spoke, "Paediatric neurosurgery fellowship, Yorkshire, in England."

"Meredith, this is…" he murmured, picking up the piece of paper and reading it over. As he did, she sat in the chair opposite him, fidgeting with her fingers.

"This is amazing," he looked up at her, and he looked genuinely happy for her, but there was something unsaid there, and it was apparent in his tone of voice, "I'm proud of you."

"Yeah?" She asked, grinning back at him, "I'd leave a week after the board exams, I'd need to find somewhere to live and iron out all the technicalities of actually moving there."

"Wait, moving there?" He asked, furrowing his brow now in confusion.

"Well, yeah, at least for 12 months, for the fellowship… and then I don't know," she shrugged.

"What about your other options? Boston children's? Seattle Children's?" He asked her, and she suddenly felt like she had to defend herself to him the more he sounded, well, disappointed with her, "Are you sure you want to move to another country like that?"

"Derek, what are you…" she was confused now, over confused. Why was he acting like this? He was supposed to be happy for her, wasn't he?

"I just think that you should think this through, that's all," he said before putting the letter down and focusing back on the paperwork on his desk.

"You're supposed to be happy for me," she was angry now. She stood up and grabbed the letter off his desk before heading to the door, "This is my future, Derek. My career. You're supposed to want what's best for me."

He looked up at her, and his face softened slightly before he seemed to turn cold with her, "I think you should go back to studying, Dr Grey."

As his head lowered, tears began to sting her eyes and she opened the door, practically slamming it behind her as she walked away. What the hell was his problem?

* * *

"Where did you disappear the other night?" Addison asked her as Meredith chose to sit down on the table with her in the cafeteria.

"No matter. Why are you still here, Addison?" Meredith asked, still holding the paper in her hands.

"I want to make this right, Meredith," Addison said in a softer voice, a hint of remorse on her expression as Meredith studied her.

"Why? You have a life back in California, you have a fiancé," Meredith scrunched her face in slight confusion.

"I know I shouldn't have left things the way that I did, and I should have come back sooner or never even left at all," Addison said, trailing off as her pager started to beep and she quickly checked it, "I have to take this. Can I come and see you tonight and we can talk, please?"

"Yeah, okay," Meredith said with a soft sigh, "Come over after work."

"Thank you," Addison said with a smile, reaching for Meredith's hand and giving it a squeeze, noticing the piece of paper in the blonde's possession, "What's that?"

"We'll talk about it tonight," Meredith said, pulling her hands back, "You need to go."

"Okay, I'll see you tonight," Addison said with a nod before standing up and heading out the cafeteria.

Meredith stood from the table, stuffing the letter into her pocket just as her own pager went off with a 911 in the pit. Just the distraction she needed right now.

* * *

Later that evening, she sat in the middle of her bed with her legs crossed, textbooks open around her as she made notes, trying to focus on the work and not Derek's behaviour at her news. She still couldn't wrap her head around why he couldn't just be happy for her. She should've been out celebrating, but instead she was in a rotten mood after his reaction and he hadn't even confirmed he was still coming over that night as they had previously arranged.

She pulled herself off the bed with a heavy sigh, pulling her hair up into a loose bun on top of her head as she headed down to the kitchen. Just as she walked into the kitchen, she heard a knock at the front door. Pulling the sleeves of her jumper down over her hands, she went to go and answer it.

Addison stood at the front door, a warm smile on her face as Meredith opened the door for her and stepped aside to let her in. She quickly closed the door behind her, trying not to make it obvious she'd completely forgot Addison was coming over.

"Upstairs, my room. Cristina isn't home yet but she might be soon," Meredith said in a quiet voice, unsure as to why she had even agreed to letting Addison come over. Wasn't she supposed to be moving on from her?

"Okay," Addison said with a nod, following Meredith up the stairs to her room, looking around the room as Meredith sat back on the bed surrounded by her books.

"Your room hasn't changed at all," Addison commented as she sat in the armchair by the window, not too far from the bed.

"No need to change it," Meredith said with a shrug, closing up the books around her and setting them on a pile on the bed side table, "What did you want to talk about, Addison? I thought you'd be on your way back to California again by now."

"I couldn't leave when there was still a chance of us, Meredith," Addison said, her eyes soft as she watched Meredith move the books.

"And what, pray tell, makes you think there's still a chance for us?" Meredith asked, raising an eyebrow at Addison, "I'm pretty sure I made it clear two nights ago when I told you to leave."

"You mean right after you kissed me, and you had told me you still loved me? I know you, Meredith, and you keep forgetting that," Addison said, her voice lowering slightly as she moved from the armchair, sitting on the bed facing Meredith.

"It's been three years, Addison. You don't know me. Things have changed, I've changed," Meredith said, keeping a cautious gaze on Addison, "Just because I love you doesn't mean I love you enough to risk getting hurt again."

"I don't want to hurt you again," Addison said, almost offended by the insinuation from Meredith.

"Really? So, you haven't heard about me from Derek this whole time? You didn't decide just to drop back in my life the day before he served Megan with divorce papers, to mess with my head?" Meredith challenged, climbing off the bed to get more distance from Addison now.

"That's not, I mean… I didn't want to mess with your head, that wasn't my intention, I just, I knew that this would be my last chance and I couldn't pass it up, I had to come and see you before… I know I've done this all wrong, Meredith, but I never meant to hurt you," Addison said, her tone pleading with Meredith now.

"What? You figured because Derek and Megan were getting a divorce I'd jump straight into a relationship with him? Because you know that I'd be faithful to him if I committed to him?" Meredith continued to question, feeling her anger rising now, "For god's sake Addison, you're engaged and yet you've come running to me just as I try to be happy again?! How would I even begin to trust you?"

"What, and you trust Derek, the man cheating on his wife?" Addison almost spat out, Meredith's anger rubbing off on her.

"You _know_ that isn't the whole story," Meredith said through gritted teeth, "and I _never_ actually said I'd be with him. We had great sex, _that was it._ He wanted to divorce Megan anyway," she knew she was lying through her teeth at this point, but she didn't have to justify her decisions or feelings to anyone, especially not Addison.

"Meredith, could you please, for a moment, consider we might actually be happy together?" Addison asked, her voice softer now as she climbed off the bed, approaching Meredith.

"I did consider it, three years ago, and then you left me," Meredith said, her arms crossed over her chest, "I've made my decision anyway, and no one will get me to change my mind. You're not part of my life anymore."

Meredith was suddenly cut off by a loud knocking on her front door and she frowned a little before leaving Addison in her room to go and answer it. She could see a male standing on her porch, but it definitely wasn't anyone she recognised. She opened the door, wide enough to speak to him but not enough to let him in.

"Can I help you?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. He looked back at her with a slight frown, his brown hair dancing in the wind that had picked up outside.

"Is Addison here? I was told she was here, I spoke to Derek who said she was in Seattle and then-"

"Who are you?" Meredith cut him off, even more confused now.

"You must be Meredith, my name is Ryan. I'm Addison's fiancé," he said, holding his hand out for her to shake. She cautiously shook his hand, still wary of the stranger standing on her porch.

"Addison's inside, why don't you come in," Meredith said, retrieving her hand and standing to one side to let him in.

As she led him into the living room, she pulled her phone out of her pocket, sending a quick message to Derek. _Why is Addison's fiancé in my house? What did you do?_

"I'll be right back," Meredith said, heading back out of the room, "Feel free to sit, or whatever."

She went back up the stairs to her room, her phone still in her hand as she waited for Derek's reply. As she entered the room, she realised Addison had found the letter that Meredith had been meaning to talk to her about.

"Meredith, what is this?" Addison said in a quiet voice, almost as though she was angry with her.

"You've got bigger problems than me moving to England, Addison," Meredith said, feeling slightly nervous at Addison's reaction and how that could change when she found out who was downstairs.

"Bigger problems? Like what? You're moving to England, Meredith! You can't just run away from everything and start a new life!" Addison said, her voice raising now in volume.

"Really? You're going to judge me for wanting to start over when that's exactly what you did three years ago?" Meredith bit back.

"Meredith please don't go, stay here with me, let us try again," Addison's voice went quieter now.

"There's someone in the living room for you, Addison. Maybe go and deal with that first," Meredith said before turning around and heading back down the stairs, realising her phone was ringing in her hand, Derek's face on the screen. As much as she didn't want to speak to him, she knew she had to right now.

" _Meredith, what's going on?"_

"Addison's fiancé is at my house. He said your name. Did you send him here? Why would you send him here?" She said into the phone as she went into the kitchen, vaguely hearing Addison's descent on the stairs.

" _I didn't send him to your house, why would I do that? He called asking if I'd seen her, I said she was at the hospital that's all,"_ Derek explained calmly.

"Addison came over and he has just turned up and now they're arguing in my living room," she said, a hint of annoyance in her tone as she relayed the situation to him.

" _I'm on my way_ ," he said before disconnecting the call, not giving her a chance to protest.

She groaned softly as she put the phone back in her pocket and ran her hand over her face. This just wasn't what she needed right now. She just wanted to study, that's all she wanted to do.


	16. Could This Be It?

**A/N: Another chapter! I’m feeling generous and full of ideas. As far as I recall there are no more flashbacks, and the chapters follow on from each other now unless I change my mind and throw a flashback in. Or a time jump. We’ll see what happens! If there’s any particular flashbacks people would find beneficial, let me know :)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

She made her way from the kitchen back through to the living room, her presence silencing the argument between Addison and Ryan. She leaned against the doorway, her arms crossing over her chest.

“So, is everyone staying for dinner?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Meredith, can I talk to you? In the kitchen?” Addison asked, walking toward her.

“Erm, sure,” she said, furrowing her brow as she turned, following Addison through into the kitchen. She opened up the fridge, looking to see what she could make for dinner, only to realise she hadn’t stocked up her food in a while.

“Why is he here?” Addison asked, her hands crossed over her chest as she looked at Meredith.

“I haven’t got a clue, Addison, I’m more shocked than you are, believe me,” she said, closing the fridge and turning to her, “But maybe you can leave with him.”

“And you’re just going to go off to England and forget about me?” Addison challenged.

“Do you love him, Addison?” She asked, leaning against the counter, “I mean, you promised to marry him, so you must love him.”

“Meredith, you can’t leave,” Addison said simply, her voice going quiet.

“I feel like we’re having two different conversations here,” Meredith said with a soft laugh as she set the coffee machine up and got four mugs out, anticipating Derek’s arrival, “How does Ryan take his coffee?”

“Ryan will be leaving soon,” Addison said, rolling her eyes at Meredith’s avoidance of the subject of her leaving for England.

“Ryan would love a coffee,” Meredith heard his voice from the doorway and turned to smile at him politely, “Just one sugar please, Meredith.”

“Amazing,” Meredith said, pouring out four cups of coffee, adding one sugar to Ryan’s mug and passing it over to him.

“Why have you made four mugs?” Addison asked, taking a mug for herself.

“Apparently, people just keep showing up at my house today,” she said as a knock sounded from the front door, “Please, make yourselves comfortable in the living room. I’ll be right back.”

She left them to it, hearing the murmurs toward each other, probably in relation to Addison saying that Ryan would be leaving soon, which he was pretty sure wasn’t happening. She opened the door and sure enough, Derek was standing there.

“Please, join the party,” she said with a roll of her eyes, standing to one side as he walked in.

“I want to talk about earlier,” he said, reaching for her hand and holding it with a gentle grip.

“Now really isn’t the best time, I just wanted to study and now there’s some sort of drama happening in my living room,” she pulled her hand back and closed the front door, “Why is he here?”

“About that, I figured out how he made it here, he spoke to Karev when he came looking for Addison and he said that Addison was coming here, I didn’t even know Addison was here,” he said with a furrow of his brow, “Why is Addison here?”

“Don’t get jealous yet, she came here to talk, and that’s exactly what we were doing when Ryan showed up,” Meredith said to him, leading the way into the kitchen, “I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do. Addison won’t go because she keeps berating me about leaving for England, and Ryan doesn’t seem to be leaving without Addison.”

“You know you can just tell them to leave your house?” He asked with a raised eyebrow as she passed him a mug of coffee and took her own.

“I’m trying to be amicable,” she murmured as she took a sip of her coffee, leading through into the living room and he followed her with a soft chuckle.

“Not everything is going to end amicably, you know,” he said as he followed her in.

“Right, I’m all for reunions and sorting out your problems, but can’t you guys go back to Addison’s hotel room? Or anywhere else? Meredith has boards to study for,” Derek said as he sat on the couch besides Meredith, and she nudged him in the side for his abruptness.

“That definitely seems like something we can do, don’t you think, Addie? I’m sorry for imposing, Meredith,” Ryan said, finishing off his coffee and setting the mug down.

“Meredith, we need to finish our conversation,” Addison said, becoming more irate the more she felt like she was being pushed out.

“Addison, I got an acceptance into a fellowship in England. It’s an option for me for next year, I don’t need to discuss it with you, or anyone. I thought you’d be happy for me,” Meredith said with a shrug, directing it towards Derek as well.

“Wow, that sounds amazing. I know we’ve only just met, but congratulations,” Ryan offered.

“Thank you! See, that’s the kind of reaction I’ve been looking for from both of you,” she directed towards Addison and Derek, “Now, Derek has come over to help me study, and then we have surgery early in the morning.”

“We’ll get going then,” Ryan said, standing up with Addison who seemed to have realised she wasn’t going to get any further with Meredith, “It was great meeting you, and great seeing you again, Derek. Hopefully, we’ll see each other again before we head back to California.”

“Yeah, we can get a drink tomorrow maybe,” Derek offered as Meredith led them to the door.

“I’ll see you before I go back, Meredith,” Addison said with a resigned sign.

“Maybe don’t,” Meredith said, before closing the door behind them. She went back into the living where Derek still sat on her couch, looking like he was deep in thought.

“Why did you come here?” Meredith asked him, her head tilting to one said with a hand on her hip as she stood in front of him.

“Because I’m sorry, Meredith,” he murmured softly as he looked up at her, “and I love you. And I am really, really proud of you.”

A shiver ran down her spine, the tension dissipating as she moved closer to him, sitting beside him on the couch, “Then why did you sound so disappointed?”

“Oh, Meredith,” his arm moved around her shoulders, holding her close against him, “I’m not disappointed in you. I could never… I could never be disappointed in you.”

“You’re going to have to explain this to me then, because I just don’t get it,” she murmured against his chest, and she felt like she was almost clinging on to him.

“I want you to stay for me. But that’s selfish of me. If you want to go, you can go. You should go,” he lifted her chin to look at him, and he grinned at her, “It’s an amazing opportunity.”

“I really think I want to go,” she said in a quiet voice, looking up at him, “I need to get out there and do things.”

“Your career comes first, Meredith, okay? And if there’s anything I can do to help, I will,” he told her with a gentle smile.

“I just want you to be happy for me,” she said as she returned his smile, “Maybe also help me study so I can pass the boards.”.

“I am happy for you, I’m ecstatic,” he told her, his hold around her tightening slightly, “and you’ve got the boards in the bag, with or without my help.”

He pressed his lips to hers in a passionate kiss, and she knew as soon as they connected how it would end up. How it always ended up. She didn’t blame him; she couldn’t control herself. She never could. And as angry as she was with him, she melted into him, into his touch.

“Are you home alone?” He murmured against her lips as he pushed her jumper up her body, his thumbs brushing the underside of her bare breasts beneath the jumper.

“Yeah,” she breathed out with a soft moan at his touch, moving her leg over his lap so that she was straddling him now on the couch.

He pulled off her jumper, and held her waist, his lips moving to capture one nipple with a soft kiss before gently biting it. Her legs tightened around him and she could feel his hard length through the sweatpants he wore, pressing against her. Another moan escaped her lips as she tilted her head back, and he gently sucked on her nipple as his fingers slid under the waistband of her shorts to feel how wet she was for him.

“Hmm,” he murmured softly against her skin as his lips trailed up over her collarbone, moving his arms around her middle again, “I’m taking you up to bed.”

Her arms moved around his neck as he picked her up and carried her up to the bedroom, where he set her back on to her feet and she looked at him, confused, “What?”

He moved up behind her, bare-chested now after stripping down to just his boxers, and he gently pressed his lips against the nape of her neck, his hand sliding around her body to cup her breasts as he did so, a soft murmur escaping his lips, “Maybe I should let you study.”

Her eyes closed and her head tilted to one side as his finger tips teased her hardened nipples, and she spoke in an almost whisper, “Study break.”

“Hmm, okay then,” he chuckled softly against her skin, pressing further soft kisses over her shoulder before moving his lips to just below her ear, “I guess I can use your study break to show you just how happy I am for you.”

Her lower lip became trapped between her teeth as his fingers lowered down her midsection to the waistband of her shorts, pulling the small amount of cotton fabric down so that they fell to the floor at her feet. Now that she was naked in front of him, he teased his fingers against her clit where she was already wet and ready for him, a soft moan escaping her lips at his touch as her head fell back against his shoulder, his lips gently sucking at her neck. A soft gasp had her lips parting as he slid one finger inside her, moving it slowly, almost teasingly.

“You’re so wet, baby, I want to taste you,” he murmured before gently nipping her earlobe. He slid his finger out of her and she turned in his arms to catch him tasting her juices that had clung to his finger with a wicked grin, “I’ve missed that taste, baby.”

His lips pressed against hers in a passionate, insatiable kiss, lowering her back on to the bed as her fingers tangled in his hair, moaning softly as his hips pressed down against hers. He gave her one more kiss before travelling his lips down her body, sending shocks of pleasure right to her core when he would gently nip at her skin. One hand slid under her upper thigh, lifting her leg onto his shoulder as his tongue slid along her wet opening, a moan escaping her lips as her back arched at the sudden contact. His hand moved up her leg to grab her ass, lifting her slightly as his other hand slid up her body to grasp at her breast while his tongue skilfully flickered against her, exploring every inch of her pussy.

As his tongue slid between her walls, reaching as far as it could, she could feel her climax starting to build with the familiar tightening of her stomach as he stimulated her further, nipping the bud of her nipple between his thumb and finger.

“Oh, fuck, Derek…” she moaned out louder as she muttered his name and she heard his murmur as his mouth pulled back momentarily

“Come for me, baby, let me taste more of you,” his hand cupping her ass moved to slide two fingers inside her, curling against the spot he knew would have her coming undone in seconds, his tongue stimulating her clit at the same time.

Her legs started to shake a little as she felt her climax hitting, her vision blurring as the full force of her orgasm hit her and she knew her come would be spilling around his tongue that now replaced the touch of his fingers. She moaned his name loud, repeatedly as she rode it out, unsurprised when a second orgasm shook through her body, soft moans escaping her parted lips as she came down off her high, his tongue still caressing her in slow movements.

As she lay back on the bed, breathing heavy with her eyes closed, his lips left a trail of kisses up her naked body until he reached her lips, kissing her slowly but hard, his tongue teasing her lip with the taste of herself, encouraging her need for him inside her.

“I love watching you come, especially when it’s me doing it,” he murmured softly as his lips moved to kiss just below her ear and down her neck. Her legs moved up around his waist as she pulled him closer against her, her fingers tangled in the strands of his hair.

“When else have you seen me come?” She breathed out softly with a slight laugh at the strange comment.

“Good point,” he grinned against her skin and gradually moved his lips back to hers with slow kisses. “I feel like I’m addicted to your taste, to your kisses, to how you make me feel…” he murmured softly between kisses, and her hips moved up against his, feeling his hard length pressing against her.

“Quitting cold turkey never did work for us, did it?” She murmured back and felt the vibration of his soft chuckle against her lips.

“Never,” he breathed out as he slid his hard length deep inside her, his hand gripping her hip as she moaned beneath him.

She gasped at the sudden feel of his hard length pushing inside her, her hips arching upward with his movements. Their lips collided in a hard, passionate kiss as he moved back and forth lowly inside her, his hand holding onto her waist, lifting her hips slightly off the bed so he could push deeper inside her.

“I’ve missed this, I’ve missed you,” he murmured as his lips moved to just under her ear, his hand slid between them and began rubbing her clit slowly, enticing louder moans from her. 

“Derek,” she moaned out, her fingers tangling in his hair with a tight grip as he pushed deep inside her, her walls tightening around him. 

She pushed up against him, moving them so that she was on top of him now. She moved her hips back and forth, focusing on the feeling of him moving inside her as he moved his hips up against hers. His hands held at her hips and she tilted her head back as he reached deeper inside her. They moved in synchronisation together, Meredith’s moans getting louder with each collision of their hips. His hands moved up into her hair as he sat up a little, his lips attacking her neck with kisses and nips of her skin, he pulled at her hair a little as her neck tilted to the side, moaning louder as they moved faster together. 

Meredith could feel the tightening in the pit of her stomach as she felt her orgasm building again, each push of his dick inside her edging her closer to the brink of her climax. His lips found hers again as his length throbbed inside her, his climax also nearing and ready to come with her. Their kisses came passionately, and hard, as though they were trying to be as close as possible to each other, Meredith’s fingers digging against his shoulders as she became overcome with the pleasure running through her. 

Her orgasm released, her walls contracting around his throbbing length as he came inside her, moaning out his name loud. He responded, also moaning her name out loud as he moved faster against her, both of them riding out their orgasms in sync. Their lips moved together with slow, breathless kisses as Derek lay back, pulling Meredith on top of him and they lay together, both worn out but unable to separate their lips. 

“I love you, Meredith,” he murmured as she moved to lay on her side, their bodies still entangled close together, “I’m so madly in love with you, and I want the best for you, and if that means you going away to England for your fellowship, then I will support you in that.”

“I love you too, Derek,” she finally admitted, her breath taken away by his words more than the exhaustion, “and I know the past week or so has been so complicated, but I just needed… this realisation. I do love you, I love you so much that it hurt to admit it.”

“Does it hurt now?” He asked, holding her close to him as her face buried against his neck and he ran his fingers through her hair. 

“No, it doesn’t hurt now,” she said in a quiet voice, “I just have to ask you about something, something Addison said.”

“What is it?” He asked, caressing his fingers over her cheek.

“She said I wasn’t your first affair. Is that true?”


	17. One Last Thing

_“I just have to ask you about something, something Addison said.”_

_“What is it?” He asked, caressing his fingers over her cheek._

_“She said I wasn’t your first affair. Is that true?”_

* * *

“Addison told you that?” He asked with a slight frown, “When?”

“The first day she was here,” she said, her voice quiet still as she felt the nerves build up in her stomach, keeping her eyes on his, “Was she right?”

“There was one night, a few years ago,” Derek started, moving on to his back as he ran his hand over his face, “I was out with Mark and I got quite drunk, and well, I don’t remember much of it to be honest. I just remember waking up naked in a hotel room with a random girl and knowing I had done _something._ And I left.”

“And that’s the only time?” Meredith asked, her fingers drawing invisible patterns slowly on his upper arm, “She made it sound like you’d done _this_ before.”

“I promise you, Meredith,” he turned to face her again, capturing her fingers with his and entwining them together, “I have never felt so strongly about someone than I have felt about you. I know I might not seem the most trustworthy given how this relationship started, but I love you. Only you. It’ll only ever be you”

His words murmured against her skin as he pressed soft kisses over her fingers, and over her inner wrist before holding her hand close to his chest, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. 

“Thank you,” she whispered softly, “for being honest with me. I trust you, I do. I’ve just been replaying the words in my head over the past few days.”

“I’m glad you spoke to me about it,” he said, pressing another kiss to her lips and one to the tip of her nose, “Now, we should probably get some sleep, we do have that surgery in the morning.”

“I just need to go lock up downstairs,” she said in a murmur, with a soft smile as she returned a short kiss to his lips, “I’ll be right back.”

She got out of the bed reluctantly, grabbing her thin robe and putting it on, lifting her hair into a ponytail after doing so. She could feel Derek’s eyes on her and she gave him a questioning glance. 

“Aren’t you going to walk around naked for me?” He asked with a slight smirk, watching as she fastened the robe around her middle. 

“Maybe another time, but there’s big windows downstairs,” she said, returning his slight smirk as she left the room, hearing his soft chuckle as she went downstairs. 

She went to the living room, clearing up the empty coffee mugs from earlier and taking them into the kitchen, placing them into the sink before clearing around a little. She checked the back door was locked and turned out the lights before heading to the front door. As she approached, she noticed a small white envelope sat on the door mat, having been posted through the letterbox. 

She picked it up, seeing her name written on the front in Addison’s familiar handwriting. She sighed softly and decided against opening it right now, instead making sure the front door was locked and the rest of the lights turned off before heading back upstairs. She kept the envelope close to her as she slipped into the bathroom, using the toilet and brushing her teeth before going back into the bedroom. 

Derek was still awake, and if he noticed the envelope in her hand, he didn’t say anything as she put it in the drawer in her desk. She switched the room light off, turning on the lamp beside her bed instead before closing the curtains, glancing outside a moment into the quiet street, briefly wondering when the envelope had been posted. 

“Everything okay?” She heard Derek say from the bed, and she turned to look at him with a soft smile. 

“Yeah,” she said as she took the robe off, climbing back into the bed beside him, settling with her head against his chest as his arms moved around her. 

“Goodnight, baby,” he said in a quieter voice, pressing a kiss to her forehead, his fingers running through the end of her ponytail. 

“Goodnight,” she returned, pressing a soft kiss against his jawline, his head tilting slightly to touch his lips to hers a moment before she settled back against him. 

* * *

When she woke, the bed was empty and she could smell the coffee aroma coming from close beside her, the sound of the shower indicating Derek’s whereabouts. She sat up a little in the bed, picking up the mug of coffee off the bedside table and sipping at it. 

She set the mug down again before climbing out of the bed, pulling her robe on and opening up the curtains, the early morning light from the sun streaming through. She walked over to the door adjoining the bedroom and her en-suite, leaning against the doorframe as she watched Derek in the shower, who turned to look at her with a grin.

“Joining me or just watching?” He asked, opening the glass door of the shower. 

“Definitely joining,” she said with a soft laugh, dropping the robe off her shoulders before stepping into the shower with him. 

His arms slid around her waist, moving them so that she was under the water and his lips pressed against hers in a soft kiss. 

“Good morning,” he murmured softly. 

“Good morning,” she murmured back, her hands resting against his chest, gently biting her lower lip as she felt his hard length pressing against her. 

“Here,” he said, picking up the soaped sponge and running it over her body, letting the water rinse away the suds. As the sponge pressed against her lower back, she pressed into him, her fingers sliding into his damp hair as her lips started kissing at his neck. 

He dropped the sponge as a low groan sounded from his chest, his hands grabbing at her ass as he lifted her up against the cold tiles, a soft gasp escaping her lips. Her legs locked around his waist as she tilted her head back, beads of water travelling down over her chest and her nipples hardened against his chest from the cool air. Recognising their familiar rhythm, the way they moved together with such synchronisation, his dick slid inside her suddenly, pushing deep between her walls as she moaned his name. 

He started to slowly move his hips back and forth as his lips found hers, giving her deep, passionate kisses as the shower water continued to fall around them. His fingers gripped her ass tighter as he thrust up into her faster, and her moans growing louder each time he pushed deeper inside her. Her hands gripped at his shoulders, her fingernails digging into his skin slightly as she steadied herself and her head tilted to the side as he kissed and nipped on the skin of her neck. His movements deep inside her and the grazing of his teeth against her sensitive skin instigated the build up of her climax, the familiar knot tightening with each thrust. 

As he hit his own orgasm, his come spilling inside her, her own orgasm released around him, her walls pulsating as she moaned his name out loud, her voice echoing off the tiled walls. Both were breathing heavy as he lowered her back to her feet, attaching his lips to hers in soft kisses. 

“We’re going to be late for work,” he murmured softly against her lips, his fingers gently pushing her damp hair out of her face. 

“Do you think my boss can be easily persuaded to not write me up for being late?” She teased, gently nipping his lower lip with a slight tug. 

“Quite possibly,” he groaned slightly, his hand cupping her cheek, “Perhaps since he is the one making you late, he can cut you some slack.”

“I’d be _very_ grateful if he did,” she murmured softly before pressing another kiss to his lips. 

“I’d stay in bed with you all day if we could,” he said quietly, as his lips inched along her jawline to just below her ear, “We’ll definitely pick this up later.”

She groaned softly as he pressed a last kiss to her lips, lingering a moment before pulling back and stepping out of the shower, and she watched as he wrapped a towel around himself and headed into the bedroom. She quickly snapped out of her slight trance and finished up in the shower before stepping out herself, wrapping a towel around her body and joining him in the bedroom. 

They found themselves falling back into the familiar routine they had adopted around each other before everything had seemed to start falling apart, before Addison had turned up, and it felt comfortable. They were dressed and ready to go quickly, and Meredith considered picking up the envelope that had been left on her doorstep last night to read, but in all honesty she had completely forgotten to take it with her.

* * *

At the hospital, Addison had already arrived hours previously after being paged in on an emergent case, and had just left the scrub room having lost the mother and only the baby surviving. She ran her hand over her face as the emotions of the situation really hit her and she steadied herself, ready to go and speak to the family involved. 

After having kept herself composed, even as the woman’s husband had broken down in front of her and had been taken by the comfort of his own family, she found herself aimlessly wandering the halls. How had things become so screwed up? 

And she didn’t mean the woman dying, that had been a high probability from the start, even though it didn’t change how deeply Addison felt the loss. It was Meredith she thought about. She thought about how things had been left three years ago when she’d run away to California. It was no wonder Meredith couldn’t give her the time of day, as much as the love may still be there between them. Addison had abandoned her, knowing full well how people had abandoned Meredith so much in the past. 

She did love Ryan, and when she’d told him she wanted to marry him, she really did mean it. Seeing Meredith again, that possibility of being with her, the pull was too strong to deny. But Meredith was right. She had Ryan, she had moved on in California, and maybe the jealous, spiteful part of her that had finally realised Derek Shepherd had fallen in love with Meredith Grey, didn’t want to see them happy together. 

She’d done things over the past week that she regretted, that she never thought she’d be capable of doing. She’d cheated on Ryan, she’d messed Meredith around, and she’d probably lost any friendship she once had with Derek. 

Ryan had stayed as well. She had explained and admitted everything to him and he still stayed. He didn’t run away. He wasn’t happy, and he had made it very clear that Addison had a choice to make, but he hadn’t run away. Meanwhile, Meredith was on the brink of running away, of being out of any of their grasps. Addison could only hope Meredith had found the letter that she’d posted through her door last night. 

That was painful in itself. She had seen Derek was still at the house, and maybe he was just helping her study, but part of her knew that wasn’t the only possibility. She had witnessed the attraction between the pair, and when left alone for any period of time they were like magnets; they were inseparable. It made her green with envy. 

Which is why, as she left the on call room she’d disappeared into for privacy during her slight breakdown, and she saw Derek and Meredith walking in through the main doors of the hospital together, not touching but with an obvious energy between them, she made sure to stay out of sight, and to keep them out of her sight as she locked herself away in her temporary office.

* * *

Surgery had been exhilarating. They hadn’t operated together since before they went away to Napa Valley, and she had missed both the energy in the room and the synchronisation in which they worked as equals - you wouldn’t have been able to guess she was only a fifth year resident and he was her attending. 

It had been a success and after relaying the good news to the family, they made their way back to his office, still feeling the high between them that previously led them to clandestine meetings in his office, on call rooms, a hotel suite, or sometimes even the backseat of his Porsche. The charged atmosphere that came from holding a life in their hands would stay with them long after the surgery had finished and they had left the operating room. 

Meredith found herself itching to touch him, their hands inches from each other, standing outside of his office, but she internally groaned when she saw Alex approaching them, heading straight for her. 

“Meredith, there you are,” he said, seemingly out of breath, “I’ve been looking for you for ages.”

“I’ve been in surgery, Alex,” she asked with a raised eyebrow, internally wishing he would hurry up and leave, “What’s up?”

“I think, erm,” he paused for a moment, glancing at Derek beside her before continuing, “I think Addison needs you.”

“Addison?” The charged atmosphere between her and Derek immediately dampened at the sound of her name, “I thought she’d gone back to California.”

“She was called in early this morning, she lost the patient, Mer,” Alex said, a soft edge to his voice as an understanding passed between them, “She’s been locked in her office for almost five hours now and doesn’t seem to be emerging anytime soon.”

“ _Oh,”_ Meredith breathed out, understanding the gravity of his words as a sinking feeling made itself known in her stomach. 

“Please, come and speak to her,” Karev said, pleading with her now, something he rarely did, “I know things have been complicated, but I think she needs you.”

He gave one last glance to Derek who had been watching the interaction with intrigue, before turning around and heading back the way that he came. Meredith turned to face Derek, feeling herself slightly speechless and unsure what to say. Only moments earlier she’d been happy for them to hide away in his office, get lost in on another. Now, she knew she needed to go and comfort her ex-lover, who she’d essentially rejected only the night before. 

“Go, Meredith,” Derek spoke first, his voice quiet but with an edge of pain to it that he was trying not to show in his expression. 

“I’m sorry,” she breathed out, “I’ll come and find you soon.”

“Just, one minute, please?” He said, taking her hand as he opened the door to his office, gently pulling her inside and closing the door behind them. 

He turned to her, gently pressing her against the wall, one hand on her waist and the other gently cupping her cheek. His forehead rested against hers a moment before their lips met in a simple, slow kiss. She could feel the outpour of emotion from him in that single kiss, and she couldn’t help but return the same emotion. 

“I love you, Meredith,” he murmured softly as their lips parted, foreheads still touching, “I need you to know, I love you so much. So insanely much.”

“Hey,” she responded in a soft voice, her hand reaching his cheek as her fingertips edged against his hair, “I love you too, Derek. That hasn’t changed, and that won’t change, okay?”

“Okay,” he said with a slight nod, turning his face to press a kiss against her palm before taking the hand in his with a gentle squeeze, “I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll see you soon,” she said with a soft whisper, pressing another brief kiss against his lips before slipping out from under his hold and leaving the room. She paused a moment just outside the door, taking a deep breath before finding herself almost jogging in the direction of Addison’s office. Maybe she owed her this one last thing. 


	18. Goodbyes

**A/N: Hey, I know this is really short compared to other chapters, please don’t kill me xoxo**

* * *

She knocked gently on the door to the office, unable to see inside as the blind for the small window had been pulled down. She sighed softly, trying the door to find it was actually locked and she knew what she had to do. 

“Addison?” She called out, knocking on the door again, “If you don’t unlock this door you know that I can.”

She waited a moment and heard no response besides the sound of a book being thrown at the door. She groaned a little as she pulled a Bobby pin out of her hair, using it to pick the lock on the door. It had been a while since she had done this so it took a bit longer than usual, but she managed to get it unlocked and open the door. 

“Throwing books isn’t really appreciated, Addie,” she said with a roll of her eyes as she picked the book up off the floor and closed the door behind her. 

“Who sent you here?” She heard as a grumble from the lump under the blanket of the couch. 

“Alex Karev, he’s worried about you. And I’m sure it won’t be long until others start to come looking for you too,” Meredith pointed out, meaning Addison’s fiancé.

“Leave me alone, Meredith,” Addison said with a huff, but Meredith wasn’t swayed. Instead, she grabbed the blanket and pulled it off Addison, who lay there in her scrubs, her hair a mess and had obviously been crying. 

“And leave you here like this? Not a chance,” she said as she sat at the end of the couch, folding up the blanket, “Now talk to me, what’s going on.”

“Why do you care?” Addison said as she sat up on the couch, holding her legs against her and avoiding looking at Meredith. 

“I’ve never once said I didn’t care about you,” Meredith said, her gaze fixed on Addison, “and for the record, I do care about you. And apparently I’m the only one in the hospital who will pick the lock of your office door, so here we are.”

“I can’t believe you still do that,” Addison said, shaking her head with a slight laugh. 

“It’s a handy skill, it’s come in use many times. Not so much since you were last here,” Meredith said with a shrug, playing with the hairpin between her fingers, “Now, Alex said you lost a patient? Is that it?”

“I mean, maybe. I lost the mother. The baby survived, but the mother, she was haemorrhaging and it was too late,” Addison’s voice broke slightly, “and I know this happens a lot and I should be used to it, but it just hit hard this time.”

“It’s okay to be upset about it, just don’t lock yourself away in your office so we know you’re okay,” Meredith said, tilting her head to the side a little with a small smile. 

“It’s not like that one time, Meredith. You don’t need to worry every time I lock the door,” Addison said in a quiet voice, looking over at her now. 

“I don’t think that’s something you can promise me,” Meredith said, looking down at her hands, “and if the door is locked, how am I supposed to be sure?”

“Other than the fact I know you’re the only person besides maybe the janitor who can get in this office when it’s locked? Did you think of that?” Addison asked, reaching her hand to gently nudge Meredith’s shoulder, making her laugh a little and look back at Addison. 

“You make a fair point,” she said with a slight grin, “Well, Alex was concerned anyway.”

“It’s been a long week I think,” Addison said after a moment of silence between them. 

“A long, complicated week,” Meredith agreed, her hand running over her face as she leant back more against the couch, “I know you think I’d be running away, going to England. That’s not how I see it.”

“How do you see it?” Addison asked, her voice calm as she watched Meredith. 

“It’s an opportunity. Here, everyone knows me as Ellis’ daughter. I need to get away from her. Live my life. Sometimes, it’s like walking on eggshells because if my mother were to find out anything that happened in the past seven months, well, you know. I’m surprised she hasn’t come around raining hell knowing you’re back here,” Meredith said, finally looking back at Addison as she felt her gaze on her. 

“I didn’t even think of that,” Addison said, raising her eyebrows, “I guess I just thought… I don’t know. I forget about your mother, when I think about you I just see you.”

“Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one,” she said with a soft laugh, holding the folded blanket closer against her.

“Did you, well, did you get the letter?” Addison asked, biting her lip gently. 

“I have it, I haven’t read it, though,” Meredith admitted, a slight frown on her face, “I didn’t get a chance last night, and yeah…”

“It’s okay,” Addison said with a smile, “Just, I’m going back to California tonight, with Ryan.”

“Oh,” Meredith breathed out, and took a deep breath. Hearing that hurt more than she thought it would, “I’m happy for you, you know, he seems like a good guy.”

“He really is,” she said with a small smile, reaching her hand for Meredith’s with a gentle squeeze, “I’ll never forget about you, or the time we shared together.”

“I don’t think I could ever forget about you,” Meredith responded in a murmur, squeezing Addison’s hand back. 

“Derek is a good guy, Meredith,” Addison said, looking straight at her now, “And I can tell he loves you, and I know you love him. Don’t push him away, let him make you happy.”

“I thought you hated him,” Meredith said with a slight frown in confusion. 

“I was jealous of how happy he made you,” Addison said with a sad smile, “but you’re good for each other, you really are. It’s killed him that he’s done this to you, and even though Megan had her own secrets and didn’t deserve an inch of Derek’s honesty, he hated lying to her too. He really does love you, Meredith. He loves you more than I love you, I know that for certain.”

“You said you wanted me, you did all of this because you wanted me,” she said, more confused now. 

“I may want you, I really, really want you... but he needs you, and you need him, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. And I love you Meredith, I really do, but I’m not in love with you,” Addison explained, watching Meredith as she stood up off the couch and started pacing the room. 

“I keep denying, I deny these feelings because I feel like I’m not good enough. It’s just sex, that’s all it is. I didn’t think I could, or that anyone would want me to, commit, be with them. Be theirs and theirs only. I didn’t think I was capable of love or being loved.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Meredith. Whenever you need me. But it’s time we move on,” Addison stood up as well now, approaching Meredith. 

Meredith wrapped her arms around Addison’s neck as the woman’s arms encircled her waist, “I know. It hurts, but I know. And if that man of yours starts to misbehave, I’ll come and show him what for.”

Addison laughed softly and pressed a kiss against Meredith’s forehead, “I expect nothing less. I should probably get going now, I’m glad you came to see me.”

“You only had to ask,” Meredith said as they embraced each other one final time, “I’ll always be here if you need me, even if I’m across the world.”

“And I’ll always be here for you, Meredith. Whenever you need me. But it’s time we move on, don’t you think?” Addison said, stepping back now, “Go and find Derek.”

  
  



	19. No Distractions

Meredith had been having doubts. It was two weeks until her board exams and she felt entirely underprepared. Her mother's voice would often crop up in her mind when she was under this sort of pressure. Reminding her not get distracted, to focus. She loved Derek, she did, but she couldn't deny that he was a distraction. He had tried to help with the studying, he really did, but they always ended up getting distracted. They were supposed to be coming back to her shared house with Cristina to study tonight, but it didn't seem to be going that way, at all. Not after they'd gotten caught in the rain and he'd kissed her until her knees were weak.

"Be quiet, Cristina went to bed," she whispered to him and he nodded, following her up the stairs, thinking in that moment he would follow her anywhere.

He followed her into her room, unbuttoning his damp shirt and tossing it onto her laundry pile as he watched, transfixed as she peeled off her shirt and shorts, leaving her in just her underwear. He stepped out of his jeans as he moved up behind her, his arms around her middle as he whispered close to her ear.

"So, the shower then? I can't promise we'll be quiet though."

She giggled softly and leant back against him as he started kissing her neck again, "Stop, shower and bed. I have lots of studying to do tomorrow."

"You know you've got the boards in the bag, Meredith, you have an amazing teacher," he grinned softly as she turned in his arms as his gaze strayed down to her now bare chest.

"Be that as it may, I have two weeks left of studying and you are definitely a distraction," she chastised, lifting her fingers under his chin to avert his gaze back up to hers.

"What are you trying to say?" He asked, raising an eyebrow as he moved his lips closer to hers, only to be left bereft when she pulled away from him and walked into the adjoining bathroom.

"Maybe we shouldn't have sex until _after_ the boards," she grinned at him before disappearing into the bathroom, and he heard the shower turn on as he stood there in disbelief. Was she serious?

"Meredith," he unfroze and followed her into the bathroom, finding himself lost for words again as he found her already in the shower, and he became entranced with the way the water fell over her body as she faced away from him.

"Are you just going to stand there and watch me or are you going to join me?" She asked, her voice snapping him out of his momentary daydream.

He quickly removed his boxers and socks before joining her in the shower, his arms held her close against him, his bare torso pressed against her back, and he tilted his head forward to press soft kisses against her neck. At his touch, her lips parted slightly with a quiet moan, and suddenly she bit down on her bottom lip as his hand started to wander down her midsection, his fingertips brushing against her inner thigh. She tilted her head back against his shoulder and his lips moved to the curve of her collarbone, nipping and sucking at her soft skin. His hands moved up her torso to gently cup her breasts, his fingertips teasing against her sensitive nipples, eliciting another soft moan from Meredith.

"You are beautiful," he murmured softly against her skin as the steam from the hot water enveloped them. His lips moved to press a soft kiss to the side of her lips, and one hand slowly travelled down her stomach, brushing again against her inner thigh. As his fingertips teased her, Meredith's hand moved behind her, in between them, and gently gripped his hard length, causing him to groan softly.

In return, he slowly pushed his finger inside between her tight walls, feeling them wet and ready for him. Her legs parted slightly, and her toes curled at the sensation of his finger inside her, her walls clenching around him. Her hand began to move in slow motions, up and down his length and he groaned softly again at her firm grip around him.

"I really hope you were joking just now about no sex," he murmured softly before he pressed his lips to the spot just underneath her ear that made her moan just a little louder.

She moaned out softly again, just about able to put a coherent response together as his finger curled inside her, "Maybe."

As soon as the words left her mouth, he turned her around and backed her up against the cold tile of the shower wall, kissing her hard, filled with his arousal for her in that moment. One hand gripped her at her waist, whilst the other pushed up against her breast. His lips parted against hers with a muffled moan and his tongue teased against her lips.

They both lost themselves in the kiss for a moment, before his lips pulled back, kissing down her neck again with urgency, "I need you, Meredith Grey."

Her head fell back against the wall as his hands moved to her thighs, and he lifted her up, her legs moving around his waist so that the tip of his dick was aligned with her entrance of her pussy. She gasped softly at the sudden movement and tangled her fingers into his wet hair, "I'm yours."

He grinned and kissed her again, his hands keeping a firm hold on her upper thighs to support her as his dick slid between her tight, wet walls. They moaned together into the kiss, both of them needing the contact with one another in the instant. He began slowly at first, pushing his hips back and forth, moving himself deeper inside her with each movement. Their lips parted as they both began breathing heavier and her head fell forward to press her forehead against his shoulder as her body was taken over with pleasure, her fingers tightened in his hair and her moans grew louder as he began moving harder inside her.

Her walls clenched tighter around his throbbing dick and he felt the knot in his stomach tighten, feeling his climax building. He moved faster, and harder, giving her exactly what she needed. Her breaths became quicker while his became shallower, neither having to wait a moment longer until they had the pleasure of feeling their climaxes ripping through their bodies. Meredith moaned loud as his come shot deep inside her. Derek moaned as he came, feeling her walls contracting tight and throbbing around his dick, as her come washed around him.

She stumbled slightly at the obvious weakness in her legs as he lowered her back to her feet, and he kept a firm hold of his arms wrapped around her waist to keep her steady, pressing his lips against hers in soft kisses, speaking between each kiss, "You. Are. Amazing."

She grinned softly and murmured against his lips, "You are amazing, and I'm suddenly feeling much more awake."

He laughed softly and pressed a few kisses to her neck, "Is that so? I'll just have to tire you out then."

His arms released her before he stepped out of the shower and she turned off the water. He wrapped a towel around his waist and held one out for her as she stepped out, which she wrapped around herself.

"And how do you plan to do that?" she asked him with a grin as they walked back into the bedroom.

"I have lots of tricks up my sleeve," he laughed and snaked his arms back around her waist again, walking backwards with her until he fell back on the bed, and she laughed as she fell on top of him, his arms still around her, "I love the sound of your laughter."

She lay to his side slightly and pressed her lips hard to his, her kiss returned with his own passion as he pulled her towel from around her and threw it to one side, off the bed. His hands held her at her waist as they kissed, and her fingers tangled into his hair with a soft murmur, "I love your hair."

His tongue swept along her bottom lip before meeting her tongue, pressing his hips into hers as their kiss deepened. After a second, they pulled apart to catch their breaths and their foreheads touched together as he whispered, "I love how you taste."

"Now there is a taste that I love," she whispered back, raising her eyebrows, before pushing him onto his back and straddling him. His fingers weaved into her hair, pushing it back as it fell forward into her face, his heart racing as he watched her movements. She moved her lips with soft kisses down his neck while her hands loosened the towel around his waist out of the way of his crotch.

Gradually, her lips travelled down his chest and his torso while gently stroking her fingertips up and down his length and he continued to watch her movements closely. As she held his dick in her hand with a gentle grip and teased her tongue against the tip, his head fell back and he moaned out, keeping his hands in her hair, and focusing solely on her skilful touch.

Hearing his moan appeared to boost her confidence slightly and he felt the hot, wet touch of her lips as she wrapped them around the tip of his dick, her hand still holding him at the base. She pulled her lips back and forth, moving further down his length each time her lips pushed down. Her hand moved to his thigh, her nails digging in slightly against her skin as she took his whole length in her mouth, and he felt his tip hitting the back of her throat, eliciting a louder moan from him and he tightened his grip slightly in her hair.

She moaned when his hips bucked beneath her, pushing his tip against the back of her throat. She continued pulling her lips back and forth along his length, her tongue following each movement.

"Fuck, Meredith," he moaned out as he felt her tongue sliding around his dick as she moved, the tightness in his balls increasing as she brought him close to orgasm.

She continued her series of movements for a few minutes longer, not quite letting him reach his climax, before the sensation of her mouth around him disappeared, and when his eyes opened to look up at her, breathless, she was straddling him again, his tip brushing against the entrance to her pussy once more. He moved his hands to her hips as she guided her entrance against the tip of his length. She teased him slightly a moment longer as their eyes locked and he groaned slightly as she bit her lower lip, wishing he were the one to be biting her lip. As she lowered herself onto him, his throbbing dick pushing between her tight walls, she parted her lips in a soft moan and his grip on her tightened slightly, feeling her wet walls around him.

Her hips moved in slow, deliberate, motions at first, moaning out each time his tip hit deep inside her vagina. It didn't take long for her speed to pick up, her hips moving faster against him as he moved back up against her. As she moved, he could feel the layer of sweat forming on his skin, mixing with hers, and his fingers moved to grip her ass, starting to guide her movements on top of him. He used his grip on her ass then to sit up with her, still moving his hips up against her as he pressed his lips to hers in a passionate kiss. She moaned against his lips and tangled her fingers into his hair, their hips moving harder against each other.

He nipped at her lower lip and tugged slightly before moving his lips to her neck, his arms moving around her waist to hold her against him as he pushed himself harder and deeper inside her, kissing and nipping at her soft skin. As he trapped her skin between his teeth, she released a louder moan, tilting her head back, "Oh, God…"

He felt her walls clenching around his dick, a telltale sign she was getting closer and closer to her climax. He could feel himself throbbing inside her, desperate for release, but trying to hold off until she was ready to come with him. Seconds later, he released inside her as her walls started to contract and she became overcome with her orgasm, and he moaned against her neck as the sensation of her release pushed him over the edge, and he suddenly flipped them so that he could thrust himself hard and fast inside her as they both rode out their orgasms, both of them breathing heavy against each other. Their lips found each other's with soft moans as he lay on top of her, still moving inside her but slower now as their orgasms faded.

After a moment of stillness, he rolled off her with a soft groan and pulled her into his arms beside him.

"Okay, I'm tired now," she murmured with a soft laugh and he joined in, keeping his eyes on her, "Time for bed, or I'll never get up in the morning."

"Whatever you say," he pressed a kiss to the top of her head before reluctantly getting up and pulling the covers back for her to get under before joining her, and his arms wrapped around her waist to pull her close against him.

"Sleep, baby," he murmured softly pressing a soft kiss to the side of her head, and he stayed awake, focused completely on her as her breathing slowed and she drifted off to sleep against him. Before, it was rare that they'd fall asleep together, but now he was confident that this would become a regular occurrence.

* * *

The moment Meredith woke up, she knew something wasn't right. Something was off. There were arms around her, and she was definitely naked. And she definitely had damp, unbrushed hair. She groaned softly as she moved on to her back to look at the body beside her.

"Crap, Derek! You slept here?" she said all of a sudden, seeing him lay there, still half asleep and probably having been woken by her sudden movements as she'd sat up in the bed.

All he did in response was tighten his hold around her and pull her back down to lay close beside him again and he buried his face against her neck and he mumbled, "Go back to sleep Meredith, it's fine."

"What do you mean…" and then she remembered exactly what happened the day and night before, and her voice trailed off as he chuckled sleepily beside her. She also kept forgetting it wasn't a bad thing if he slept over anymore.

"Has the early morning amnesia worn off now?" He mumbled again, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

"Don't you have a job to get to?" She asked, running her fingers through his hair, feeling very awake and not up to going back to sleep.

"Not for a few hours," he said with a yawn, moving to lay on his back now as his hand covered his mouth a moment. His arm gently tugged her closer to lay half on his chest, "Just lay here with me if you aren't going back to sleep."

She settled against him, her head resting on his chest as she focused on his steady, regular breaths, certain he was back into a light sleep now. She envied his ability to get back to sleep so quickly. Now she just lay here, and as comfortable as she was to be using him as her human pillow, she was now alone with her thoughts as she ran through the events of the previous few weeks.

Her mind was running a thousand miles a minute and she needed to calm down. The whole thing just kept hitting her like a train over the past week or so, and she needed to do something about it. She was still broken over Addison's departure, even though she had basically told Addison to leave. It didn't hurt any less, though. It was like she had been reliving five years ago all over again and she couldn't even admit it to Derek, talk to him about it. She couldn't deny her feelings for Addison, but did she love Derek more? Addison had let her go so easily, adamant that Derek loved Meredith more than Addison ever could. But did Meredith feel the same way? Maybe she just needed time. Needed some space to figure it all out. Everything always seemed to be going so fast, she didn't know what her relationship with Derek even was. It was definitely still a secret.

She didn't know if he'd just woken up again, or if he'd never actually gone back to sleep, but she was made aware of Derek's conscious state when a soft voice spoke to her, fingers running through her hair down her back, "What's wrong, baby? Talk to me."

"What makes you think something is wrong?" She asked weakly, looking up at him to find his eyes focused on her.

"You're tense, you were biting your lip, and there's a little crease on your forehead that you get when you're thinking," he murmured softly, his finger gently touching the crease on her forehead that he spoke about, almost as though to smoothen it out. She felt her heart squeeze at his words, and she realised just how much he did pay attention to her. Of course, he paid attention to her. He told her he loved her. Why couldn't she just get that to stick in her mind? Why was this so hard for her?

"I just… I don't know," she released a soft sigh, moving on to her back again as though not touching him would give her some clarity on the situation. It really didn't. He turned on his side to look at her, his fingertips drawing soft, invisible patterns on her upper arm as she stared up at the ceiling and he gave her a moment to gather her thoughts.

"I don't think I can commit to this, to us," she murmured softly, squeezing her eyes shut. She heard his deep intake of breath at her words, and she was scared to look at him. To see his disappointment, his pain, whatever would be there.

But when he spoke, she couldn't detect his emotion from his voice, "What makes you say that?"

"I'm just not that kind of person, I never have been. I sleep around, namely with inappropriate people, such as my superiors, and married men, or both," she spoke softly, somewhat going off on a tangent, "I'm not the get in a relationship, spend the rest of your life with type of girl. I'm not a family person. I don't even think I ever want kids."

She hadn't even realised tears were spilling from her closed eyes until she felt his thumb wiping them away gently, and her eyes flickered open as she turned to look at him, seeing a sadness in his eyes.

"You're probably regretting ever even getting involved with me now, maybe you should've just stayed with your wife," she muttered softly as she closed her eyes again, taking a deep breath, "I think you should go now, Derek."

"Meredith, I can't leave you like this," he murmured softly, his fingers running through her hair again as a way of comfort, but she really just wanted to be alone right now, or so she thought.

"Please, I need time. I need time and space to just think things through. I need to study, pass my boards and choose a fellowship. I need to focus on my career. I shouldn't have gotten involved…" she could feel herself starting to ramble again and stopped it, sitting up in the bed and holding a blanket over her naked body as she spoke, "I'm really sorry, Derek. This, any of this, never should have happened."

He sat up now, looking slightly panicked as she started to withdraw herself and he cupped her cheek with his hand, "Meredith, I don't regret a single second of this. Of any of this. You need to know that."

He pressed his lips against hers in a kiss filled with desire and need, his other arm sliding around her waist and pulling her close to him again as she melted into the kiss, returning his feelings of need and desire, his touch igniting her insides.

His lips pulled back as he touched his forehead to hers and he spoke again, in a softer voice, still holding her close, "I love you, Meredith Grey. I'll wait for you. I'll give you all the time you need, but I'm not going to stop loving you."

"Derek," her voice broke, and tears started falling again, a slight sob breaking through her lips as his words seemed to stab at her chest, twisting a vice around her heart. Why was this so painful? She pulled away from him and climbed out of the bed, needing to be further away from him, and she pulled on her robe.

"I need you to go, please. Please just go," she murmured between sobs before shutting herself into the en-suite bathroom, falling back against the locked door and sinking to her feet.

Her sobs became silent as she listened to the sounds of his movements from the other room. She heard what must've been him pulling on some spare clothes he had already left there, and then she heard the opening of her bedroom door. She was glad she waited a moment after that before leaving the room, as he must've paused a minute before actually leaving, as she heard the bedroom door shut as she stood up off the cold tile floor.

She wiped at the tears on her face before gathering up the laundry from the night before that lay strewn across the bathroom floor and then the clothing left on the bedroom floor, dumping them into the laundry basket. She then did the same with her bedding, deciding it would be best just having everything laundered. The less she had to remember of the night before the better.

* * *

Later that evening, she was still studying with Cristina in the living room for the boards and it hadn't been long since they'd moved on to drinking tequila at the same time.

"I actually think my head has gone numb from all the information," Meredith muttered as she took a swig of the tequila bottle, before passing it across to Cristina.

"That might just be the alcohol, Meredith," Cristina commented dryly, taking a swig herself, "Do you think we're ready for the boards?"

"I feel like I'm nowhere near ready," she muttered as she sifted through her notes again, looking for a specific page.

"Aren't you getting personal tutoring, though?" Cristina wagged her eyebrows at Meredith who just glared back at her, "What?"

"I'd rather not have personal tutoring from him right now," she muttered as she picked up the tequila bottle, swigging from it.

"What happened last night? I thought you'd both made up by now, it's definitely what it's sounded like over the past week," she said with a raise of her eyebrows.

"I scared him off this morning, told him I needed time, space, it's just too much and we have boards in two weeks," she said with a shrug before standing up from her spot on the couch, "It doesn't matter. I need to go to bed, I'm due in the hospital early morning."

"Meredith, I know I haven't exactly supported the whole affair, but the way he looks at you… at least he's divorcing the bitch," Cristina said with a shrug, "I'll ride in with you in the morning."

"Okay, night," Meredith said before dragging herself upstairs to bed, immediately crawling under the covers and bringing the blanket close around her. She reached for her mobile that she realised had been left upstairs all day. She unlocked it to find a few missed calls from Derek and a few messages asking her to call him.

She decided on sending him a quick message, even though she knew she probably shouldn't. " _Been busy all day. I'm fine. I'll see you at work in the morning."_

She set the phone on the mattress beside her pillow as she shut her eyes, willing for sleep to come but her mind wouldn't stop racing. Overthinking. Maybe she should give him a chance? But it might all end in a few weeks anyway. She still didn't know if she would be staying in Seattle for her fellowship and she didn't expect him to pack and move with her. He'd only been in Seattle for six months and only Cristina knew the actual relationship between the pair. Long distance was not an option. Whilst they were still together, many an argument had been had between Ellis and Richard that she had witnessed from Ellis' constant travelling for long periods of time. Hell, Richard may as well have been the only one raising her most of the time. The distance was why Meredith and Ellis never got on or saw eye to eye.

What seemed like only moments after she'd put the phone down, it lit up and pinged with a message. Out of curiosity, she picked it up to see a message back from Derek. " _I miss you. I understand you need time and space, but I miss you and I love you. I'll see you tomorrow."_


	20. Mi Manchi

**N: Okay, so I know it's been a while but it's been a bad couple of weeks and I may have fallen into the land of Katie and Alicia fanfiction and I'm only just coming up for air. If anyone hasn't read their stories I fully encourage you all to go and read them on their blog.**

**Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this update. :)**

* * *

Meredith had eventually pulled herself out of bed early that morning after giving up on getting any sleep that night. She hadn't responded to Derek but his words had run through her mind early into the next morning. If she had to hazard a guess, she'd only slept about four hours and it definitely wasn't enough to get her through her upcoming shift.

After parting ways with Cristina in the residents' lounge, she met with her group of interns who looked far too awake for this time of morning and she knew they were going to piss her off somehow. And none of them had even brought her a coffee to bribe her with. Not that the bribes ever worked, she just really wanted a coffee. She resisted the temptation to get one of them to fetch one for her and brought them to attention.

"No time for chit chat, grab the charts and follow me," as tired as she was, she was sure to make sure she had their attention and respect otherwise they'd get nothing done.

Derek finally graced them with his presence as they arrived at the first patient's room, sadly without any coffee in hand for her. On a normal day, he'd have met up with her before she'd gathered the interns and have a caramel macchiato waiting for her, but today wasn't a normal day and she'd asked for space, right? Space didn't include meeting before rounds for coffee. Meredith hadn't factored this into her morning, however, and was yet to taste any coffee. He nodded to her in acknowledgment before going into the patient's room ahead of the small group.

She allowed Derek to speak with the patient a moment, scanning her eyes over her interns to decide who she would call on to present. She could see Morris already reading over the chart and decided to make sure they were all on the ball. One particular intern caught her eye, not paying attention to the conversation in the room, well not paying any attention to the task at hand either. He would be her target.

Derek looked at her, the look that indicated they were ready for presentation, one they'd shared many times before without having to speak to one another, which she was thankful for. She looked to her interns, "Morris."

"Yes, uhm…" the intern started, flipping back to the first page of the chart, but Meredith cut her off.

"No, Morris, you won't be presenting. Pass the chart to DeLuca," she watched as the intern's eyes widened slightly in panic, taking the chart from his colleague. She noticed Derek raise an eyebrow out the corner of her eye, but he didn't question her tactics.

"Erm, Daniel Thomas, 36, in for frontal lobe tumour resection this afternoon…" the intern stumbled over the words, reading them directly off the page and still stumbling over a couple of the lab results. When he was finished, he ended it as more of a question, and Meredith raised an eyebrow at him, becoming slightly frustrated with the intern's lack of confidence in simply reading a chart.

"Are you finished, DeLuca?" She asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"I think so…" he murmured.

"You think so or you know so, DeLuca?"

"I'm finished. That's everything," he said, closing the chart and looking back up. She noticed his gaze flicker to Derek who just shook his head.

"Who can tell me possible complications of the tumour resection being performed today?" Derek asked the group of interns as Meredith took the chart from the stumbling intern, flipping it open to read through herself before writing in a note of the up to date stats as she heard Morris, who definitely had an affinity for neurosurgery, reeling off the known possible complications of the surgery.

"Thank you, Morris, you can scrub in this afternoon, and you're responsible for arranging pre-op for Mr Thomas."

They all filed out of the room, ready to move on to the next patient. Derek and Meredith fell into step beside one another, a few steps ahead of the interns following behind.

"Are you okay?" He asked her, his brow furrowed slightly.

"I'm fine, trouble sleeping and interns who have an exam next week but can't read from a chart," she shrugged, stuffing her hands in her pockets as they walked to the next patient who had a surgery scheduled with Derek and Meredith that morning.

"Who is the resident in charge of that intern, DeLuca?" Derek asked.

"I'm pretty sure it's Dr Wilson. I'll have words later on today when I find time," she muttered, her attention drawn to lowered voices behind them, having heard her surname mentioned. She immediately stopped walking and turned to look at the offending intern, DeLuca, dead in the eye. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see it had taken Derek a second to realise she had stopped them and he turned to stand beside her, curious at the interruption.

"Do you have something to say to me, Dr DeLuca?" She asked him, getting straight to the point. In the moment she felt a lot like her own mentor, Dr Bailey, and was thankful for the woman being harsh during her own internship.

"Oh, no, nothing, Dr Grey," the intern said, realising he had been caught out.

"I should hope not. You're on scut for today, use your spare time to learn how to read a chart without acting like it's your first day as an intern as opposed to it being almost the end of your internship," she snapped at him, before turning back around and continuing walking.

Derek fell into step beside her and spoke in a quiet voice, "You have good hearing."

"You know this," she raised an eyebrow at him.

"What was he saying?" He asked her in a softer voice now.

"It doesn't matter," she muttered as they approached the next patient's room, "Shall we?"

"Okay, you're lead surgeon on this one, I'm just observing," he said with a soft grin, and she realised it was because he was proud of her. That improved her mood ever so slightly. She walked in ahead of him and he followed, this definitely wasn't as awkward as she thought it might've been.

* * *

The morning had dragged on. The surgery had gone smoothly, but this had allowed for a slightly strained conversation between Derek and Meredith as he questioned her on every step of the procedure, seemingly getting her as prepared as she could be for her boards. The constant questioning and lack of sleep from the previous night both meant she was shattered by the time she got a break to go and lay down in the on-call room.

Even laying there in the empty on-call room, she struggled to get any sleep, her mind a mixture of procedures she kept going through for upcoming surgeries and her boards, along with the situation she found herself in with Derek. She knew she should push Derek out of her mind, not think about it when she had higher priority things, such as exams that would decide her future.

It's hard not to think about someone you spend most of your days with, though. Is that why it had gotten this far? It had started out as a simple agreement between the two. Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, no strings attached, no complications. Now it was the biggest complication in her life, and given the relationship she had with her mother, that was saying something.

She groaned softly as she heard the door open and close, the light coming on forcing an annoyed mumble from her, "Some of us are trying to sleep here."

"Sorry to disturb you, Dr Grey," she heard the voice say and she looked over with a squint against the harsh light seeing Dr DeLuca stood there, "I came to apologise."

"Do you have to do that right now?" She asked with a sigh, facing the ceiling again and holding her arm over her forehead.

"I just, I wanted to get you alone and normally you're around Dr Yang or Dr Shepherd," he spoke, sounding as though he was moving closer to her, "I didn't really mean what I said this morning."

"About how I need to get laid and stop being so crabby?" She said, annoyance growing in her tone as she recalled what she had overheard that morning.

"Yeah, that," he said, and she felt the mattress dip as he sat on the edge, and she peered over at him, wondering what he thought he was doing. "Anyway, I'm really sorry about that. I guess I get kind of nervous around you."

"Dr DeLuca, surgeons don't get nervous," she mumbled, moving her gaze from him now as she rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, the intern was a lot closer to her, one hand resting on the bed beside her hip and for some reason she froze, unable to get herself to move. It was only when he had uninvitingly pressed his lips to hers did her body react, her knee jerking upwards to hit him between the legs, causing him to yelp out in pain and surprise, falling off the bed.

The door flew open and Derek stood there, slightly wide eyed as he took in the scene in front of him; DeLuca lay on the floor protecting his injured manhood while Meredith sat up on the bed, anger emanating from her as she glared down at DeLuca.

Realising Derek was in the room, the intern looked up to him, feigning innocence, "She attacked me!"

Meredith immediately came to her own defence, standing up off the bed as though she was ready to go for him again, "It's called self-defence when you're being sexually assaulted, an attack would be if I kick you while you're already down!"

Derek moved between them now, his hand resting on Meredith's shoulder as he glared down at DeLuca, enraged by Meredith's description of the situation.

"Get off the floor, go to my office. Don't speak to anyone and go straight there, if I find out otherwise or you aren't there when I get there this will be a lot more worse for you than it already is," he almost shouted at the intern who had picked himself up off the floor.

As he left the room, Meredith swore she heard him muttering, " _Puttana pazza_ ," and she tried to move around Derek in a raging anger.

" _Fottuto bastardo gli taglierò il cazzo_ ," she muttered in Italian as Derek's arms moved around her, moving her back to sit on the bed.

"Hey, Meredith, calm down," he murmured softly, and she found herself burying her head against his shoulder as sobs started to break through her anger. His arms moved tighter around her, pulling her into his lap as his hand rubbed her back gently, "Okay, it's okay."

"I'm sorry," she murmured as she pulled her head back, wiping at her tears but staying in his hold, sat between his legs. Her head lay against his chest as she allowed him to comfort her, "I'm so tired."

"What happened?" He asked softly, watching her concerned.

"I was trying to sleep and he came in, wanted to apologise for comments he made earlier, decided it was the perfect moment to kiss me so I got him off me," she said with a shrug, "Obviously he has a low pain tolerance. Apparently he doesn't know I speak Italian either."

"I mean, I didn't know you spoke Italian," Derek said, still interested by the fact since he'd heard her mutterings, "What do you need? Do you want me to get Richard involved or do you want me to just scare the intern?"

"No, no, it's fine. I just need sleep, there's no point getting Richard involved because then my mother will find out and it will become a whole thing," she trailed off with a soft sigh and looked up at him, "Thank you."

"What for?" He asked her.

"Stopping me from killing him," she said with a soft laugh, a yawn escaping her.

"Anytime. Get some sleep, Meredith. I'll go deal with DeLuca. I'll come back if you want me to?" He asked, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'll try to sleep," she nodded as she spoke in a soft whisper, "Come back when you can?"

"I will," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead that she didn't protest, and he reluctantly pulled away from her as she moved to lay back down in the bed, "I won't be too long."

He watched as she simply nodded in acknowledgment and turned on her side to face the wall quietly, all he could hope was that she was going to sleep. He quietly left the room, making a beeline for his office. He was seething. He'd be angry if it was anyone being taken advantage of like that, assaulted like that. The fact that it was Meredith had him almost boiling over with anger. For Meredith's sake, and so he wouldn't have to explain his actions to the Chief, he took a few breaths to control his anger before entering his office where DeLuca sat waiting for him.

"I don't know what you think you were doing today, but your behaviour has been unacceptable and definitely grounds for dismissal," he said as he strode across the room and sat at the chair behind his desk. "Be assured I'll be keeping a close eye on you from now, one slip up and you'll be gone, trust me. Do you think it's acceptable to behave in such a manner toward your chief resident, your superior? Or even to anyone at all?"

"I understand, Dr Shepherd," DeLuca said in response, "It won't happen again."

"You're lucky Dr Grey doesn't wish to report you to Chief Webber, but I will be writing you up for your behaviour this morning during rounds," Derek told him, his voice stern, "Anymore and I _will_ make your residency hell, you'll wish you could be doing scut."

"Understood, Dr Shepherd," DeLuca said with a nod.

"Now go on, get on with the tasks you've been set," Derek waved him off and stood from his chair, running his hand through his hair with a sigh. He watched as DeLuca stood and when he was about to leave the room, Derek called him back, "DeLuca?"

"Yes, sir?" He said, turning to look at him.

"Maybe you should be more careful about what you're saying in Italian and when, you never know who may be able to translate," Derek stated, without revealing who he meant, "Go."

He saw a slight blush in DeLuca's cheeks from embarrassment, possibly assuming it was Derek who understood what he had spoken in Italian and rushed out the room.

Derek looked out the window a moment, lost in his own thoughts. Meredith had asked him for space just the day before, but he needed to check up on her. He needed to make sure she was okay after what he had just witnessed, even if just to check she was getting some sleep. He knew she would've been up studying most of the night and it didn't look like she'd gotten enough sleep the past couple of days as it was. On the other hand, she did ask him to come back and check on her.

* * *

In the on-call room, Meredith still found herself twisting and turning, unable to sleep and any sound from the other side of the door distracting her attempts. She still felt residual anger from what had happened, and couldn't seem to get it to go away. She'd had guys advance on her uninvited before, why did this bother her so much?

She turned again, facing the wall, and clutching the sheets close against herself as she curled up in a ball, determined to get some sleep until she was needed again. She was sure there was a surgery she was in with Derek in two hours but she felt in no way she could make it through what could end up being a ten hour procedure if she didn't get at least an hour in now.

She looked toward the door as she heard it open, the light from outside lighting Derek's face as he stepped in, the room falling into darkness again as he closed and locked the door behind him.

"Meredith, you're awake?" He said in a soft voice, and she could hear him taking his shoes off before she felt his presence beside her, bringing his arms around her and pulling her back against him.

"I can't sleep," she murmured, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she turned in his arms so they were facing each other, heads resting on the pillow.

"Why not?" He asked, keeping his voice quiet in the dark room as he studied what he could see of her eyes.

" _Mi manchi_ ," she mumbled softly, lifting her fingers to caress his cheek softly, her chin lifting to gently press a kiss against his lips for a moment. "There's so much going on at once, giving you up is so hard," she tried to explain, "you make me feel safe."

"I always want to make sure you're safe," he murmured softly, his hand covering hers that rested on his cheek, "you don't have to give me up."

"I'm not going to be here in a few weeks Derek," she pointed out, closing her eyes as she felt the familiar sting of her tears.

"No one said you had to quit cold turkey," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead and gently squeezing her hand, "I'm here for you, Meredith. Whenever you need me to be."

"That's not fair on you, Derek. I'm not just using you, I care about you," she opened her eyes again to look at him, noticing how intently his eyes studied her.

"I know you care about me," he said with a soft smile, their voices still hushed. "I'm just saying, focus on your boards, don't worry about me or about us okay?" He moved onto his back as he gently pulled her to lay her head on his chest, his arm holding her close against him, "Try to sleep now."

"Okay," she murmured softly, already feeling herself being dragged down by sleep as she relaxed against him, his hand caressing up and down her arm. Maybe she could do this, maybe it wouldn't be too difficult. She just had a lot of choices to make.


	21. Results Day

The bus that was bringing them back from the airport was stuck in traffic, and she didn’t think she’d been more exhausted in her life. The boards themselves had been exhausting, but she’d also been spending her time getting the necessary arrangements in place for her move to England. She’d spent a lot of time on the phone trying to organise somewhere to move into on such short notice, and she hadn’t even told Derek yet that it was her definite decision to move over there.

It’s what she needed, though. She needed to get away. Most people would just go on holiday, right? But getting away wasn’t her only reason for the move half-way across the world. She needed space to find who she was away from her mother. One thing she had noticed when going through the interviews with various fellowship programmes, this was the only place where they hadn’t even mentioned her mother. It was refreshing, to not have her talent compared to that of Ellis Grey.

She would have to leave Derek behind. Maybe that was for the best, though? She shouldn’t be making her life decisions based off her seven-month affair with him. They had never even been in a proper relationship with each other, she didn’t even know he had actual feelings beyond lust for her until a few weeks ago. This was her career. She had to focus on her career and forget everything else.

Her phone pinged in her lap, pulling her out of her thoughts and she saw the message from the man himself, “ _Have the results come through yet? Is everything okay? The bus is late.”_

She laughed softly to herself at his panicked tone and Cristina eyed her from the opposing seat across the aisle, but Meredith just shook her head and looked back at the phone, tapping out her reply, “ _Results aren’t due for another hour, bus is stuck in traffic.”_

She set the phone back down in her lap, leaning her head against the window as she closed her eyes, ready to make another attempt at getting some sleep seeing as the bus was at least another half an hour away from the hospital at the rate the traffic was moving. Just as she thought she might go to sleep, the bus jerked and her phone pinged at the same time, another incoming message. _“Okay, I’ll wait here for you. I’ll be in my office.”_

 _“You don’t have to wait for me,”_ she responded to him with a sigh. His response came through almost immediately, “ _I know, I want to.”_ She didn’t respond to him this time and just set the phone back down in her lap, closing her eyes again. This bus ride was truly tortuous.

* * *

Back at the hospital, Derek was struggling to focus on any of the paperwork he had to do and was half hoping an emergent surgery would come in to give him something to focus on that would actually keep his concentration. He couldn’t keep her out of his mind, her smile, her scent, the way he felt when he held her in his arms. All that could be gone so soon, and he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. She hadn’t responded to his latest message and no one had notified him that the bus full of fifth year residents had returned from the airport yet. He knew the chances of her leaving Seattle for her fellowship were high and the chances of her staying in the states to do her fellowship were extremely low. Even though she hadn’t told him her actual decision yet, deep down, he knew she would go to England.

Once Meredith set her mind to something, it was extremely rare that she would change it and he didn’t expect this to be an exception. He knew she’d been organising her move to England as much as she’d tried to hide it from him, but he knew she would tell him when she was ready. After his initial reaction to her offer, he wasn’t all that surprised she was wary to tell him. Why did he always have to react to things in such a way? He only made the situation worse.

He knew that she earned that offer. She had been excelling far before he’d arrived seven months ago, and he was privileged to have been the one mentoring her in the last months of her residency. Most of the time, people would be privileged to have been taught by him, not the other way round. But Meredith was special. She knew what she wanted and she went for it, and she had the talent for it, which he knew she worked hard for, regardless of others’ comments about the inheritance of skill from her mother, which he knew got on her nerves.

He dropped his pen on to the table and sat back in his chair, groaning as his hand dragged over his face. He needed to get up and move around, he’d been sat in his office for hours since his last surgery and he was starting to get stiff. If Meredith were here, she’d tease him for his old age. God, she’d only been gone for two days and he already missed her. How would he cope when she moved across the Atlantic? He stood from his chair and walked over to the floor length window that looked out at the back of the hospital, over the gardens that had been put in for patients who spent long periods of time in the hospital.

What felt like only moments later, he heard the door open and close behind him gently but he didn’t turn to look just yet. Maybe it would be easier for them if he didn’t show how much he’d missed her over the past two days? He didn’t want to be a dick to her anymore, but he also didn’t want her to even think about giving up this opportunity for his sake.

“Derek?”

Her soft voice spoke his name, probably thinking he hadn’t noticed her entrance. Little did she know, he noticed every little sense of her presence. He turned to look at her, a smile on his face, noticing how tired she looked. She looked beautiful, but exhausted.

“Hey,” he breathed out, staying where he stood.

“The results haven’t come through yet, they said midnight,” she gave him a small smile and set her bag down on the couch before sitting in her usual spot at his meeting table.

“Do you need a ride home?” He asked, grabbing a bottle of water from the small fridge, passing it to her as he moved to sit in the chair beside her.

“Thanks,” she said as she took the water, opening it and taking a sip before answering his question, “I have my car here.”

“I think you’re far too tired to drive, would be a shame to get into a crash just when you’ve finished your boards,” he commented, a small laugh escaping his lips, not that he found the idea of her getting hurt in a car accident funny in the slightest.

“This one time I will concede and say you’re right,” she said with a soft laugh, “if you don’t mind, then. I can always get a cab.”

“Nonsense. I’ll take you home, it’s okay,” he shook his head slightly.

His eyes noticed the way she fiddled with the cap of the water bottle between her fingers, something clearly on her mind as they sat in silence. She released a soft sigh and took another drink of the water.

“You okay?” He asked, his brow furrowing slightly in concern.

“Yeah, I think. Nerves,” she shrugged a little, setting the bottle on the table and screwing the lid back on. “It’s weird, it’s like, you don’t stop for years. Since high school, even, you don’t stop. High school, pre-med in college, med school, and then five years of residency, all leading up to this one day of oral examinations to be certified as a surgeon.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” he said with an amused smile at her ramblings. He would definitely miss those.

“It’s nice having someone who understands that,” she said with a soft laugh, stretching her arms on the table in front of her with a yawn before crossing them and resting her head on top, looking at Derek, “I could probably just sleep here.”

“I wouldn’t stop you,” he said, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, “but it’s a few minutes to midnight, and I want to know your results almost as badly as you do, even though I know you’ll have passed.”

In response she just laughed again, moving to hide her face in her arms for a moment just as her phone started ringing. She pulled it out as she muttered, “Who the hell is calling at this time?” She answered it and rolled her eyes as she heard who was on the other end, “Cristina, I haven’t left the hospital, I’m still here…. Yes, I’m in his office… okay, okay, I’m on my way… I don’t doubt it. See you in a minute.”

“What was that?” Derek asked, always amused at the dynamic between the two friends – or more accurately, sisters. Twisted sisters, Owen might’ve have said once.

“Cristina requests my presence with the other residents in the cafeteria. Apparently my mother does too, you should join as well I think. Something about everyone getting their results at the same time, yadda yadda…” she trailed off with a motion of her hand as she stood up from her chair.

He laughed softly and stood from his chair, “Honestly, I remember Richard saying something about that, it completely escaped my mind.”

She just shook her head in amusement as she took her coat off, leaving it with her bag on the small sofa, “Let’s get going then.”

“One moment,” he said as he took her hand and pulled her closer to him, lowering his lips to hers in a soft kiss, his other hand cupping her cheek, “I’m proud of you, whatever happens, okay?”

“Thank you,” she said with a soft whisper, looking as though she was slightly surprised by his actions a moment, before pressing her lips back against his, and then spoke a little louder, “Whatever happens.”

He knew there was a deeper meaning behind their words, but he wasn’t going to bring it up right now, and clearly she wasn’t either.

“Come on then, Dr Grey, let’s go and unveil your future. See if the past 13 years have worked out.”

“12 years,” she corrected him, as they walked out of the office, their hands reluctantly parting now that anyone could see them.

“What?” He asked her, confused.

“I skipped a year,” she said with a shrug, as if it were the most normal thing ever. She looked to him with a raised eyebrow, “Don’t you know how old I am?”

“Apparently not,” he said, still in slight shock. He was in love with the woman and he didn’t even know how old she was? He felt slightly ashamed, but was too proud of her to fully care about it right now. “So you’re only 30, not 31?”

“Hey!” She nudged him playfully, “I’m 29, my birthday isn’t until this weekend.” Her eyes went slightly wide then and she muttered, “Crap.”

“It’s your birthday this weekend? And you didn’t tell me?” He said, accusingly but playful all the same.

“It’s not important,” she waved him off, “I don’t celebrate it.”

“I think your birthday is very important,” he countered, trying to keep up as she started walking a little faster.

“Yes well, can we just drop it for now before anyone else finds out?” She asked as they approached the cafeteria.

“I guess so, but this isn’t the last of this conversation,” he said as he opened the door, letting her pass first.

She didn’t say anything but she rolled her eyes with a half smirk, reassuring him she wasn’t totally annoyed by the conversation of her birthday, or maybe just to make him feel better? He followed her into the cafeteria and she went to sit with Cristina a couple other residents while he went over to stand with Chief Webber, who was stood with Ellis Grey, Meredith’s mother. It was always slightly awkward being around Meredith’s mother, because other than the fact he was sleeping with her daughter, some times she would say things about Meredith that had Derek wanting to defend her, but he knew he couldn’t. He could sense the woman deeply cared about her daughter, but her mannerisms and the way she went about showing it could definitely be improved.

A series of phone notifications went off across the room, indicating the resident’s had all received the email of their results. Apparently Richard received them as well as he pulled out his phone and pulled on his glasses, and Derek was desperate to find out the result of only one resident. His eyes kept their gaze locked on Meredith looking for any sort of reaction from her. As usual, she kept her emotions hidden and as she read her own email on her phone, he couldn’t tell if she’d passed or failed.

* * *

Having thankfully dodged the conversation of her 30th birthday with Derek, which she’d completely forgotten about really, she made her way over to where Cristina sat at a table with Karev and a few other residents, and she sat in the chair Cristina had saved for her.

“There you are! Could you really not wait a couple more hours to get in his pants? You’ve only been gone two days,” Cristina scoffed, setting the phone down on the table she’d been refreshing almost every ten seconds for any sign of her results.

Meredith glared at Cristina, “We didn’t… ugh, we haven’t since Addison left,” she muttered as she rested her elbows on the table in front of her, her head falling into her hands. 

“No wonder you’re so cranky,” Cristina observed, picking her phone up again, “You’ll have to find yourself a nice British boy to play with.”

“I don’t know, I’ve been unhelpfully reminded I turn 30 this weekend,” she said with a shrug as she sat back in her seat, fidgeting with a loose thread on the hem of her blouse as her gaze drifted to where Derek was making what looked like painfully polite conversation with Ellis. _Oh, Mom, the hell you would be giving him if you really knew what was going on._

“Ah, yes, the dreaded birthday of Meredith Grey,” Cristina said, a small laugh escaping her lips, “at least you aren’t turning 31 like most of us.”

“Not helpful, Cristina,” Meredith said, but returned her friend’s small laugh with one of her own. Just as she refocused her gaze to her phone on the table in front of her, it, and multiple other phones in the room, indicated the arrival of a new email. The results. Keeping her face stoic, knowing that Derek’s eyes were now fixed on her, she could just feel it, she opened up the email to see her results.

It felt like the message was taking hours to load and then finally the words were on the screen. She scrolled down to the result, trying to contain her excitement when she saw what was written there. Everyone kept telling her she would pass easily, but it hadn’t felt easy, and seeing it in black and white just made it real. Confirmed everyone’s expectations. She knew the stoic look on her face had turned to surprise when a pair of arms came flying around her, and it took her a moment to realise Cristina was actually hugging her.

“Please tell me you passed because I swear to God, Meredith,” Cristina started but Meredith quickly cut her off.

“I passed, Cris, I passed,” she said with a laugh, finally feeling as though she could express her emotions on the matter and she heard a sigh of relief from close behind her.

“Thank God,” Cristina said, “We’re all going to Joe’s now I think. You coming?”

“I’ll catch up with you,” Meredith told her as Cristina finally released her, and she stood from her chair, turning to see Derek stood there, as expected.

“I told you,” he said with a grin, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Everyone told me, actually,” she said with a roll of her eyes, but she grinned back at him.

“I think your mother wants to speak with you,” he said, nodding his head in the direction of where Ellis still stood beside Richard, who she could see was congratulating some of the residents who passed him, and she looked back to Derek, “but first, I think I can give you a hug.”

“I think that would be acceptable,” she said as she moved closer to him, and he pulled her into a hug that she immediately returned, as though it was something they did every day.

“I know I keep saying this, but I’m really proud of you, Meredith,” he murmured to her as he held her close, possibly a second longer than should have been acceptable.

“Thank you,” she said as she pulled back, a smile still on her face, “I’d best go see my mother… and then Cristina wants to go to Joe’s. I may go for a drink or two.”

“You should go,” he said to her as they walked over to Ellis, “For at least three drinks. I’ll still take you home.”

“Okay,” she said and the conversation dropped as she reached her mother.

“Meredith, Richard tells me you’ve passed, as expected,” her mother said to her, and Meredith received another unexpected hug of the evening, “I am proud of you.”

“Oh, thanks Mom,” Meredith said, still in a slight shock as she hugged her mother back. They’d barely spoken since the Christmas party, so this would definitely class as slightly awkward.

“I’ve only ever wanted the best for you, that’s why we had Dr Shepherd here recruited to mentor you,” she said, which was complete news to Meredith who turned to look at Derek who just shrugged a little in a ‘talk about it later’ kind of way.

“I know, Mom,” she said, pressing her lips together as she realised she still had yet to confirm with her mother that she was probably moving to England for twelve months next week. Before she could think to mention it now though, her mother spoke again.

“Go on, I have to get home. We’ll see you after your day off, maybe we can go for dinner,” Ellis said to her, even offering her a small smile.

“Yeah, okay,” Meredith nodded, “See you guys later.”

Richard looked to her now, “Well done, Meredith.”

“Thanks, Dr Webber,” she said and stepped back, ready to head off.

“Dr Shepherd, can you stay a moment? We just need to discuss something,” Ellis said to him.

“Of course,” he responded and nodded to Meredith, “See you day after tomorrow, bright early. Education doesn’t stop just because you’ve passed the exam.”

“Of course, Dr Shepherd,” she said with a soft laugh before heading off to find Cristina. As tired as she was, she was definitely ready to drink. It had been a weird night.

* * *

Derek turned to Ellis once Meredith had left the room, pretty sure he knew what the conversation would be about, “How can I help, Dr Grey, Chief Webber?”

“We wanted to ask, has Meredith told you her decision for her fellowship yet?” Ellis asked, getting straight to the point.

“No,” Derek shook his head, it was better to be honest. Even though he was pretty sure he knew where she would be going, there was still time for her to change her mind. “I think I know which fellowship she’s going to choose, but she hasn’t confirmed anything with me.”

“She’s going to England, isn’t she?” Ellis said, sounding slightly disheartened.

“That’s what I think, yes,” he nodded with a sad smile he couldn’t help, but Ellis wasn’t paying attention to him at this point.

“I wish I could change her mind… but no, she’s headstrong. She knows what she wants and she gets it,” she said with a soft laugh before pulling herself from whatever thoughts she was in and looking back at Derek, “And will you be staying, here in Seattle? I understand your marriage recently ended, I’m sorry to hear it.”

“It was a long time coming,” Derek said with a nod, “I plan to stay, though. I do prefer Seattle to New York, and I enjoy the job.”

“Good, one less person to hire for,” Richard said with a dry laugh, “Go on then, we won’t keep you any longer.”

“Goodnight, both of you,” Derek said before turning to leave the room. But he didn’t miss the way Richard took Ellis in her arms, who was visibly upset with the idea of her daughter leaving the country.

He could faintly hear Richard’s voice as he walked out of the door comforting her, “I’m sure she won’t be gone forever, she’ll come back.”

He made the short trip to his office to change into his street clothes, picking up Meredith’s bag and coat she had left on the couch, along with his own bag. He took them down to his car and secured them in the trunk before making his way across the street to Joe’s, a smile spreading across his lips as he saw Meredith laughing with her friends, definitely having had consumed a few shots of her staple drink already.

He sat at the end of the bar, not making her aware he had arrived yet to give her more time with the other residents, her friends, and ordered his drink from Joe, “Just a Diet Coke, Joe, I’m driving.”

“Good idea,” he said with a nod as he poured the glass of Diet Coke for him. Joe was probably the only person outside of Cristina, Addison and Mark Sloan aware of the complicated relationship between him and Meredith, that he knew of anyway, “She’s only had a couple shots of tequila, said she didn’t want to be completely drunk by the time you got here.”

Derek laughed softly as he took the glass from the bartender, “Thanks, Joe.”

“No problem, Doc,” Joe said with a nod before moving on to serve some other residents done the bar who had clearly also passed their boards today.

He sipped at his Diet Coke, trying not to stare at Meredith as he sat there, but definitely spending most of the time with his eyes on her. He wanted nothing more than to take her home and spend as much time with her as he could, but he knew if she was going away for twelve months he should let her have this time with her friends, especially Cristina, who had made the decision, after many offers from around the country herself, to stay in Seattle and do her fellowship with Dr Altman.

Around half an hour after he’d entered the bar, close to one in the morning now, her gaze caught his and she gave him a grin, a slightly drunken one at that given she’d consumed a few more shots of tequila by that time. He grinned back at her with a slight nod, and he saw her whisper something to Cristina who just shoved her friend with a playful laugh and shake of her head before Meredith made her way over to where he sat, sitting in the stool beside him.

“How long have you been here?” She asked, still grinning at him, but not drunk enough to forget where they were, in a very, very public place.

“Only about half an hour,” he smiled back at her as he finished off his drink, setting the glass down on the wooden top.

“I’m sorry, we can get going now,” she said with a slight frown.

“We don’t have to just yet, I also have the day off tomorrow,” he explained, his hand gently squeezing her thigh, out of sight under the bar.

“What did my mother want to speak to you about?” She asked suddenly, a look of concern flashing across her eyes.

“Nothing major,” he half lied, “she just wanted to ask if I would still be staying on in Seattle.”

“And will you?” She asked, seeming very interested in his answer.

“I will, this place has grown on me,” he said with a small smirk on his lips.

“Good,” she nodded, but he could tell her mind was elsewhere. Now was not the time or place to question it. “I’ll head outside first and you follow?”

“And have you wander off on me? I thought we agreed after last time I’d wait for you outside,” he said with a chuckle, pulling his hand back as she stepped off the stool.

“Excellent point,” she said with a laugh, “I’ll just go to the toilet and meet you outside then in a moment.”

“Okay, I grabbed your things from my office so we can just set off back to yours, or mine. Whichever you prefer,” he said as he also stood up and he could tell she was debating the two options.

“I think we should go to yours, your bed is definitely comfier,” she said with a grin before turning and heading into the toilets.

Derek chuckled to himself, Meredith hadn’t drank around him in a while and he’d forgotten how amusing she could be when she did. He paid his and Meredith’s bar tab with Joe, bidding goodnight before heading out the door, sharing a knowing look with Cristina before he did. He had never really spoken much with Cristina Yang, but he knew she was fiercely protective of Meredith and was just confirming he would be taking her home. He couldn’t tell her opinion of him, as far as he knew, as long as Meredith was happy, they were good.

He walked to his car in the hospital parking lot and drove it round to the front of Joe’s bar, keeping the engine running as he waited for Meredith to come out. Not even a minute after he had pulled up, she came out of the bar and climbed in the passenger seat beside him and he started driving, wary that anyone could have been watching him or her.

“Still want to come back to mine?” He asked, glancing over at her, noticing her looking out the window beside her.

“Yeah,” she murmured softly as she settled back in the seat, knowing he lived at least half an hour from the hospital, “This is a much smoother ride than that awful bus.”

“Go to sleep, I’ll either wake you when we get there or just carry you up to bed,” he said with a soft laugh, knowing she could be difficult to wake sometimes.

“Mmkay,” she hummed, and he glanced over to her again to see her eyes already closed, ready to fall asleep.

As he pulled on to the freeway, his hand reached over the centre console to gently squeeze her thigh, leaving his hand resting there as he drove, a small smile on his lips as she rested her hand on top of his in her sleep. 

By the time he pulled up into his driveway, Meredith had definitely fallen into a deep sleep, so much so that Derek had to pry his hand from hers to put the car into park. He climbed out and left her in the car a moment while he unlocked the front door and unarmed the house alarm, before going back to her and lifting her out of the seat, one arm around her back and the other under her legs. Her face buried against his chest but she didn’t wake, and he carried her into the house, gently shutting the front door behind him to make minimal noise, and then carried her up to the bed, initially laying her on top of the blankets so he could undress for bed.

Once he was stripped down to his boxers with only one of his sleep shirts on, he moved back to Meredith, doing his best not to wake her as he removed her shoes, and then the dress pants she had worn for the exam. Any other time, seeing her in the underwear she was wearing right now would have him ripping at her clothes to get them off, desperate to make love to her, but he found himself enjoying the simple act of looking after her as she slept. He moved on to the bed beside her, realising to get her out of the blouse and into one his sleep shirts he had pulled out for her, he would have to wake her for just a moment.

His hand caressed her cheek slightly and he leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips as he murmured softly, “Meredith, baby, wake up a moment.”

She stirred a little bit didn’t wake, so he attempted to lift the blouse over her head, which didn’t go too badly, it would be getting the shirt on that would be the hard part. Now, she would probably just accuse him, playfully of course, of being a perv when she woke to find he had stripped her down to her bra and panties, but he didn’t have the heart to properly wake her to put the shirt on. Instead, he slid one arm beneath her to lift her against him gently as he pulled the blankets from beneath her, settling them over her and laying beside her, keeping the arm beneath her as she began to stir again.

“Shh, it’s okay, go back to sleep,” he murmured softly, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“Derek…” she mumbled, her hand gripping at the front of his shirt as she cuddled closer to his warmth and he wrapped his arms around her.

“I’m here,” he murmured softly, not that she could hear him, and pressed a kiss against the top of her head before settling himself to fall asleep with her in his arms. He decided this was definitely his happy place, Meredith in his arms as they went to sleep together, actually sleeping.


	22. Broken Hearts Club

As she woke the first thing she felt was the engulfing heat of a body tangled with hers, their bare skin pressed against one another as she realised she only wore a bra and panties, not her usual night time attire. She couldn’t remember how much she had drank last night but she didn’t remember anything beyond getting into Derek’s car. She groaned softly as she turned to look at Derek who was wrapped around her from behind, still sleeping. Her mouth felt unbearably dry, her head was slightly pounding and she really needed to pee.

She turned again to untangle herself from him, groaning softly again at the harsh light that filtered through the small gap in the drawn over curtains as she tried to get out of the bed. Her efforts were hindered by Derek’s strong arms keeping her held against him.

“Derek, move,” she murmured, trying to remove his arms from around her with a little more force as her need to pee increased.

“Hm, what’s up,” he murmured almost inaudibly, his face burying against the back of her neck.

“I really need to pee,” she murmured as she continued to try and move his arms out of the way.

“Go on,” he muttered with a slight chuckle, pressing a kiss to her shoulder as he moved his arms back and their legs untangled.

He turned over and seemingly went back to sleep as she climbed out of the bed, walking through into the bathroom to sort herself out. She stood in front of the mirror, washing her hands, and looking at her reflection. Her hair was slightly untidy and, of course, she was still in just her bra and panties, but she still couldn’t figure out what had happened last night after the bar. She dried her hands off on the towel before walking back through into the bedroom, stretching her arms up into the air as she spotted one of Derek’s t-shirts on the floor beside the bed.

She picked it up and pulled it over her head, watching Derek as he apparently slept a moment. Her head tilted to the side slightly as she thought. She’d have to tell him soon that she was leaving for England at the end of next weekend. She had to tell her mother that she was leaving, but that was more of a formality.

“Are you going to watch me sleep all day or come back to bed?” His voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

“I didn’t realise you were awake,” she said with a soft laugh.

She moved to sit on the end of the bed, cross-legged, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt she wore. He didn’t move to look at her and she continued to sit there, watching him a moment as she chewed on her bottom lip. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She wanted to tell him, he deserved to know she would be leaving in almost a week, but she didn’t want him to convince her to stay.

“I should probably head back home soon, anyway, it’s almost two in the afternoon and I have things I need to do, and arrange,” she said after a moment, her eyes focused on the clock on his bedside table.

“You should allow yourself at least one day of having nothing to do, or stress about,” he said as he turned in the bed to face her, his hand reaching for hers.

“Life doesn’t allow you to just do nothing all day,” Meredith shook her head with a light laugh, her hand moving into Derek’s open one.

“I never said it did,” he gently tugged on her hand as he spoke, “Come back to bed anyway.”

She deliberated for a split second, but her desire to curl back up under the blankets with him took over any rational thought she may have had. She moved to her original place beside him, lay facing him with their fingers still entwined.

“What happened last night?” Her brow furrowed a little as moved up closer against him, her face burying into his shoulder.

“You fell asleep in the car so I just brought you back here and carried you up to bed, I tried to change you but only got as far as taking your clothes off without possibly waking you up,” he said softly as she felt his fingers running through her hair.

“Oh, thanks, I think. And we didn’t…?”

“No, nothing happened, I promise,” he pressed a kiss against the top of her head before continuing, his voice almost hesitant, “Would it have been such a bad thing if we had?”

“I just prefer to remember my sexual encounters,” she joked, inwardly wondering if actually it would have been a good thing. She didn’t want to lead him on.

“Always a bonus,” he murmured.

Her head moved back slightly to look up at him and he brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, letting his palm rest against her cheek. Her breath caught a little in the back of her throat at the proximity of her lips and she couldn’t resist her eyes flickering between the darkened look in his irises and his lips, wanting nothing more than to feel them against her own.

Before she could even register it, their lips were pressed together in a soft kiss and any illusion of control she had over the situation had melted away as soon as they were connected. Her hands rose to tangle her fingers in the curls of his dark hair as his free hand moved to rest on her waist. She hummed softly against his lips as they moved closer against one another, and she couldn’t seem to pull herself away from the kiss that seemed to just continue building with need and intensity, their lips parted against one another as his tongue teased her. She could feel his hand gripping the shirt against the slight dip of hips, ready to pull it off her as her leg moved over his, pressing herself against him and feeling his hard length against her stomach, through his boxers.

“I never did get to congratulate you properly,” he murmured between kisses.

“Derek,” she murmured back softly.

“Hmmm?” He hummed softly as his hand moved up her back to unfasten her bra with one quick movement.

“Just… oh,” she gasped out softly as his lips moved along her jawline, and he pulled the shirt off her along with her bra. His hand moved to her breast, cupping it in his palm as his thumb ran over her pert nipple.

As his lips continued their delicious assault on her neck, her hands moving from his hair now to tug at the waistband of his boxers, wanting nothing more in the moment than to feel him inside her again after so long. Her hand slid between him and the cotton, taking his hard length in her hand as he pinched her nipple between his thumb and finger, simultaneously caressing her over her panties with his other hand, his fingertips barely touching but certainly able to feel how wet she was for him.

She moaned softly, her lips parted, and eyes closed as she felt the rush of pleasure running through her spine, arching it slightly as her hips moved forward against him. He slowly pushed her onto her back, his body hovering over hers as his lips lowered to the valley between her breasts, teasing his tongue against her skin as she felt his hips press down against hers. She could feel the warmth of his breath against her as his lips moved further down her abdomen, her hand slipping from inside his boxers and back into his hair as he moved further down her body, his hand still gripping at her sensitive breast.

“Derek… I want you…” she gasped out softly, growing impatient as she looked down at him.

“I’m congratulating you,” he breathed, his eyes looking up at her as his lips pressed against her skin, just above her pubic line, “This is your reward.”

His hand released her breast before he hooked his fingers in her panties, his mouth moving to her inner thighs with soft kisses and bites, followed my soothing touches of his tongue where his teeth slightly marked her. He pulled her panties down antagonisingly slowly, her breaths coming faster as his tongue darted out against her wet skin, applying pressure against her sensitive clit. His hands moved to her thighs pushing them apart a little further as her fingers tugged at his hair and she focused solely on the feel of his tongue teasing against her.

She felt one finger slip inside her as a soft groan escaped Derek, his finger curling inside her as she gasped out a soft moan. She knew it wouldn’t take much to push her over the edge as she focused on the pleasure he gave her, her mind clearing of any other worries or protests she may have had about their situation right now. She just wanted to enjoy this. A second finger pushed between her walls and her hips lifted involuntary as his teeth gently grazed against her lips, his name escaping her lips as she felt her muscles starting to contract and tighten around his slowly thrusting fingers.

“Fuck!” She moaned out louder, her toes curling and head thrown back as a third finger pushed inside her, curling deep inside against the spot he knew would set her off.

“Come for me,” he murmured, a deep thickness to his voice and her eyes met the darkness in his, his tongue flicking faster against her clit to encourage her orgasm.

“Derek… Derek…” she gasped between louder moans, her vision blurring as an intense feeling of pleasure took over her body.

Her hips moved with his mouth as her orgasm hit and his tongue slid inside her, his thumb rubbing at her clit as she rode out her climax, his tongue reaching as far as it could inside her, tasting ever inch of her. She continued to squirm beneath him as he pressed kisses against her inner thighs, murmuring her name softly.

“God, you’re amazing,” he breathed as he moved back up her body, his lips pressing to hers, allowing her to taste herself on him.

Pushing through the slight exhaustion her orgasm gave her, her legs wrapped around his middle as their tongues teased one another between kisses and he pressed himself against her, grinding together. A deep groan escaped him as she tugged on his lower lip, her eyes opening to meet his again as she released.

“I need you… inside me… now,” she breathed, having not quite caught her breath but unable to ignore the strong desire she had for him to be inside her.

At some point between their desperate kisses, Derek had removed his boxers and his hands gripped onto her waist, and she focused the pressure of each of his fingers digging into her skin. She heard his slight groan against her lips as the tip of his length slid over her and she whimpered softly at the contact, her hips lifting against his. His hands slid under her ass with a slight grip, his lips moving to her neck as she felt him push slowly inside her, a gasp escaping her as her back arched with the impact.

Her fingers locked themselves in his hair as he slowly started to move back and forth, deep inside her with each thrust forward. His speed started to pick up as her moans grew louder with each thrust, losing herself in the pleasure running through her body, stimulated by his teeth biting at her neck, one hand gripping her ass while the other tugged at her slightly and each deep thrust of his dick hitting deep inside her.

“More… deeper,” she gasped between moans, her eyes squeezed shut now as she felt the intense wave of her orgasm threatening to take over.

“Gladly,” he all but growled as his lips moved closer to her ear.

He moved slowly as he pulled back, the tip of his length only inside her as she looked up at him, her eyes slightly wide as she bit her lower lip. Her legs wrapped around his waist, urging him to slide deeper inside him. His hand lifted to cup her cheek, his fingers sliding up into her hair as he lowered his lips to hers in a firm kiss, simultaneously moving his hips down hard against her, pushing deeper than he had before and she moaned louder against his mouth.

Their kisses continued as she felt his fingers slowly rubbing against her throbbing clit as their movements picked up a little in speed, feeling him throbbing between her walls as he moved as deep as he could inside her, louder moans escaping Meredith as he did so. She felt her orgasm building up quicker, almost ready to hit her climax with him. Her lips pulled back from his as her back arched and her head fell back against the pillows, letting her orgasm take over as the waves of pleasure crashed through her body. His face buried against her neck with hot, heavy breaths against her skin as he released inside her.

“Fuck… Mer, fuck,” he gasped slightly as he came down off his high, practically collapsing on top of her, still inside her.

After a few deep breaths between them both, his lips moved to hers in soft, still breathless, kisses, moving to her side and pulling her close against him in their post-orgasm haze. They stayed in quiet for a moment, not an uncomfortable one but Meredith felt like she was thinking more than she should’ve in that moment. While she didn’t regret what had just happened between them both, and she had wanted it to happen just as much as he had, part of her wished she hadn’t taken part. She should’ve gone home. Not lead him on like this.

“I can almost hear your mind turning,” he murmured, playing with strands of her hair between his fingers, his arm tightening around her middle as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I’m not good at doing nothing,” she sighed softly, burying her face against his chest. She could at least enjoy the feeling while she was still here. Maybe she shouldn’t have gotten so attached.

“Sleep,” he breathed softly, not loosening his hold on her.

Her eyes closed as she felt him relax beside her, clearly needing the sleep himself, but Meredith felt too wired to sleep. She needed to leave, she needed to go. A plan started to formulate in her mind, constantly being interrupted by flashbacks of their time together. The first time they met, the first time he kissed her, in his office, their rendezvous, the weekend away together in Napa Valley. She knew what she had to do, and she couldn’t think of any other way to do it. If she spoke to him again, in person, she’d probably change her mind and never leave. He’d look at her in that way he did, he’d find a way to sway her and they’d undoubtedly fall back in bed together as they had just done. She had to leave.

As much as it would break her to do so, and already was just thinking it, she had to leave. She had to go to England. If she didn’t she’d regret it for the rest of her life, and she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. She’d worked so hard for this, to get to this point. She couldn’t stop now just for a boy. She looked up at him, his face peaceful as he slept, his arms still around her and her hand covered her mouth as she tried to stop an audible sob escape her. She turned in his arms and his grip loosened every so slightly, but enough for her to pull away and climb out of the bed without disturbing his sleep. She looked back at him a moment as reached and grabbed one of the pillows clutching it close to himself.

She found her clothes from the previous night, pulling them on and pulling her hair up into a messy bun, taking a deep breath as she went into the bathroom, splashing water over her face and looking at herself in the mirror a moment. She could do this. She had to. She went out to his car, being as quiet as she could to collect her things before taking them into the house again, leaving them by the front door.

She went into his office and grabbed a pen and piece of paper, quickly but carefully writing out her message, doing her best to stop any tears spilling onto the page. She had to be strong. She took the piece of paper back into the bedroom with her, placing it on the bed beside him so that he would find it when he woke. She studied him for a moment before moving closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead, her breath hitching in her throat a little. She needed to go before he woke up again.

Before leaving the room, stood by the door, she glanced back at him once more before heading back down to the hallway, quietly ordering a cab. It didn’t take the cab long to arrive, and she grabbed her things, leaving before the sound of the cab horn woke him and he stopped her from leaving. It hurt like hell, all of it, but she had to do this, for both of them. It was easier this way.

* * *

_Derek,_

_I’m leaving for England next Friday. All the arrangements are in place. I have to go, it’s where I need to be. I don’t know if I’ll be back, I can’t promise anything. Thank you for the past seven months, your teaching, your guidance. You brought an excitement back to my life that I had thought I would never get to feel again. Thank you for your love. But I have to go. Tomorrow will be my last shift at the hospital. Please, if you really love me, give me this time, this space._

_I love you._

_Meredith._

* * *

The sound of a horn outside woke him, and he groaned softly, reaching only to find her not lay there anymore. His heart started pounding in his chest and his eyes flew open. Paper. A piece of paper. He grabbed it as he jumped out of the bed, going over to the window to watch as she climbed in the cab, not even looking back at the house as it drove away. She was gone. Why?

His eyes fell to the paper in his hands and he read the words over and over, tears building up in his eyes as he did so. His fingers brushed over the ink indentations of the words she had left from him on the page, hoping the words would magically change into saying she wasn’t leaving, and she’d be back soon.

He clutched the paper close to him as he sat on the bed. He needed a plan. He needed to do something. He needed to get away. He couldn’t stop her from leaving, he knew he couldn’t. But he didn’t want to have to see her for the next week knowing she was leaving, not knowing what to say, or how to act.

He grabbed his phone, dialling the familiar number of the one person he thought might be able to help, or at the very least offer him a distraction from everything. He paced the room as the phone rang out, packing a bag with his free hand.

“Mark, I need a place to stay.”


	23. One Week

The next morning he went into the hospital early, only to be informed Meredith was already there and had been pulled on to and emergent craniotomy, and the Chief was observing her from the gallery – just the person he needed to see.

He made his way through to the gallery to find Dr Webber. He knew he was getting strange looks because he hadn’t changed into his scrubs yet, but he had every intention of leaving as soon as he had spoken to Richard. His attention was initially drawn to the OR below where Meredith was working on the patient, and he could never get over just how delicate and precise she was with her movements, the concentration on her face blocking out any external distraction as she focused solely on the patient in front of her.

“I heard you were looking for me,” he heard the voice of Richard Webber, who sat in the gallery alone.

Derek turned to look at him, “Yeah, I need some time off, a week, if possible.”

“She came over last night, told us she was leaving at the end of next week,” Richard commented, whilst nodding to acknowledge Derek’s request, “She really is something, isn’t she?”

“She’s a very talented surgeon, best I’ve worked with in a long time,” Derek murmured as he turned back to look at Meredith, operating below.

“I’ll ask her to work until she leaves, if you really need the time away,” Richard said after a moment and Derek moved to sit in the chair beside him.

“Thanks, Richard, I appreciate it,” Derek said, running his fingers through his hair.

“Look, we know something has happened between you and Meredith. We don’t know what exactly, but we know there is something, and I hope that isn’t why she’s chosen to move across the Atlantic for the foreseeable future,” Richard said, getting straight to the point.

“I think there’s more to it,” Derek murmured, his breath catching slightly.

“Anyhow, Meredith runs. She goes away. But she always comes back, okay? And I really hope she comes back this time, if not for her mother’s sake at least. Do what you need to do, but don’t leave without trying one more time, okay?” Richard looked to him now.

“Thanks, Richard. I hope she comes back this time too,” Derek nodded at Richard, “I have to get going. I’ll be back next Friday.”

“Travel safe, Derek,” Richard said with a nod before Derek stood up, one last look to Meredith before walking out of the gallery.

He walked through the hospital with his hands stuffed in his pockets, facing the floor, and ignoring those around him as he headed out to his car. He would be back before she left, he promised himself that.

* * *

When Meredith left the scrub room, she found Richard waiting for her in the hallway looking like he needed to speak with her about something, but what she didn’t know. The look on his face concerned her, though.

“What can I do for you, Dr Webber?” She asked him, a small smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Walk with me,” he said, a gentle smile on his face as he fell into step with her.

“Is everything okay?”

“Dr Shepherd is taking some personal leave for the next week, and I need you to fill in for him for his surgeries, you’re the only I trust, and he trusts, to take them over. Are you okay working up until you leave?”

“Oh, erm, yeah I can, I have nothing else planned, I’m pretty much packed to go now,” she said with another smile, a fake smile.

Derek was gone. Personal leave? He hadn’t mentioned personal leave… that would explain why she had felt as though his gaze was on her part way through the surgery but he himself hadn’t been there when she had a second to look up into the gallery. She had only seen Richard sat there and shook it off.

“Great, I’d also like you to take a hand at running the department for this short time. You’ve practically been his second hand for the past seven months and you know better than anyone how he likes it run, I’ll be here for support if you need me,” Richard explained with a grin, “I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“Are you sure, Richard?” She asked, furrowing her brow in confusion.

This was a lot of trust to put in someone who had only passed their board exams two days ago, even if the Chief was her stepfather. It wasn’t that she didn’t think she could do it, she just still didn’t understand why Derek had left so suddenly. Or maybe she did, but she was a leaving anyway. There was no need for him to go.

“I’m sure, I’ll be here if you need any support, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. It’s only 7 days. Oh, as well, Ellis wanted me to remind you about the meal for your birthday tomorrow, she’s made reservations for 8pm, so just confirm that when you’ve looked over your schedule, okay?” Richard stopped walking then and she turned to face him with a nod.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go do that now and send her a message if I don’t see her,” Meredith gave him a small smile just as her pager went off, “I’ve got to run, I’ll catch up with you in a bit.”

“Okay, see you later,” Richard said before walking back in the direction they’d came.

She shook her head a little in disbelief before checking her page, seeing it was only Cristina wanting to know where she was. She sent her a quick message telling her to meet her in the cafeteria and headed in that direction herself, in need of a very large coffee, her mind still distracted as she tried to figure out where Derek could have gone.

She was still lost in her thoughts as she sat at their usual table with her coffee, and didn’t notice Cristina sitting down opposite her until she spoke.

“Meredith?”

“Oh, hey, Cris,” she said with a small smile, taking a sip of the hot caffeinated drink.

“What’s up with you? Isn’t it your last day?” Cristina asked with raised eyebrows.

“It _was_ my last day. Richard’s asked me to stay until I leave next Friday,” she said with a sigh, taking another drink of the coffee.

“And that’s a bad thing because…?” Cristina tried to pry out of her.

“It’s not a _bad_ thing… it’s, Derek has taken personal leave until I leave next week, that’s why he’s asked me to stay. Practically run the department for the next week,” Meredith explained, unable to shift her gaze from where it was fixed on the table in front of her.

“Where’s Shepherd gone? What did you do?” Cristina said with a slight chuckle.

“I don’t know where he’s gone,” she said with a shrug, “I left him a note, yesterday, telling him I was leaving on Friday and now he’s taken personal leave, Webber says.”

“Did you say anything else in your little note?” Cristina asked.

“Well,” Meredith started, clearing her throat a little, “I told him I was leaving for England next Friday. I told him I didn’t know when I would be back, or if I would be back. I thanked him for well, everything, I guess. I asked him if he really loved me to give me some time and some space, try and make it easier before we didn’t see each other for twelve months. And then I said I love him,” she hurried out the last bit hoping Cristina wouldn’t hear it.

“So, you have gone soft,” Cristina said with a soft laugh, “Maybe he’s just getting a head start on giving you that time and space, I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“I’m not _worried_ , I just… I don’t know,” she said with a sigh as she finished off her coffee, “I’d best get to work, I have to get through all his consults and prep for his surgeries.”

“I mean, as long as they’re cool surgeries,” Cristina pointed out with a shrug, “I’m sure everything will be fine, and you get to put on the indigo scrubs before the rest of us.”

“You’re not wrong,” Meredith said with a small laugh as she stood up, “See you later on.”

* * *

Today was Meredith’s birthday. It wasn’t an important day by far in her books, but her mother had insisted on them going out for dinner. The past few years, they hadn’t done anything much for her birthday, as Meredith had always found a way out of it, but this year, be it the guilt or maybe just pure luck, even with the added work load of Derek’s schedule, she actually had the evening free. It just didn’t help that she’d been unable to sleep the night before. She had stayed in the hospital the night before, keeping her mind busy. Thankfully no one had brought up her birthday yet.

Only, when she’d gone back to Derek’s office, which she had commandeered for the week, she realised there was one person who knew about her birthday. Derek. He’d clearly remembered. Because when she opened the door, she saw a bouquet of flowers sat on the desk with a small gift box beside it, an envelope resting on top.

She approached it cautiously, closing the door behind her as she didn’t know what to expect. Her fingertips drifted over the soft petals of the roses as her other hand picked up the card, recognising his handwriting that spelled out her name on the front. She took the card out of the envelope, a simple pale blue colour, gold letters spelling out ‘Happy Birthday’ on the front. She opened it up, holding a breath as she settled her eyes on the words written inside in Derek’s familiar handwriting.

_Meredith,_

_Happy Birthday. I know, you don’t like your birthday, but no matter what has happened between us, I couldn’t let it pass without acknowledging it and wishing you a happy birthday. I’ll see you on Friday, before you go. I love you._

_Derek._

She released a breath as her fingers drifted over the words as she read them, feeling tears stinging her eyes. Had she done this? Made him leave? She knew she had asked him for space, but she didn’t mean for him to give her this much space. He had still done this for her, though. Her eyes looked over the flowers again and landed on the small, silver box sat beside them. She set the card down on the desk, picking up the small box, trying to decide on whether to even open it. It all just felt like too much.

A knock on the door had her turning around, holding the box behind her back as she saw Cristina stood there. 

“Mer? Everything okay?”

“I…” she tried to speak but couldn’t find the words as Cristina came up to her, noticing the tears that had started rolling down her cheeks and wrapping her arms around her, “I don’t know what to do, Cris.”

“Are these from him?” Cristina asked quietly, referring to the flowers that sat on the desk and the card beside them.

“Yeah, and this,” she said, showing her the box as her arms dropped from around her, and Meredith wiped at her tears with her free hand.

“What is it?” Cristina asked, sitting down at one of the chairs.

“I haven’t opened it,” she said with a shrug, “I don’t think I will.”

“You’ll know what to do, Meredith, you always do. You don’t have to stay just because you love him,” Cristina told, “You have to be selfish, think of yourself, of your career.”

“I don’t deserve him,” she murmured.

“If anything, Shepherd doesn’t deserve you,” Cristina rolled her eyes.

“It’s not… no, Cris, I just… he loves me. And I keep pushing him further and further away, but he still loves me,” Meredith took a breath as she felt her voice start to break slightly.

“I think if he really loves you, he’ll be okay with this,” Cristina sighed, “and he’ll wait for you.”

* * *

The week at home had been… well, depressing. He wasn’t someone who ran from things. He didn’t think he was, anyway. He had a week left to spend with her and he had run away to New York, disguising his behaviour as a surprise family visit. It had been nice to see his family again after so long, after avoiding them since he had moved out to Seattle, but he had wasted his last possible week with Meredith being here and she was flying to England in two days’ time.

“I might come back with you, see if Webber wants my surgical skills on his staff, keep you in line and not moving around, make sure you shave, bathe, things like that,” Mark commented as they sat in Carolyn’s backyard, a BBQ underway for Derek’s final night here before he headed back to Seattle.

“Mark, if you want to move to Seattle you don’t have to use me as an excuse,” Derek grumbled before taking a swig of his beer bottle.

“You do need to cheer up though. You’re more miserable now than you were with that wife of yours,” Mark pointed out, and rightly so, “Aren’t you supposed to be happier without her now?”

“You’d think so,” he grumbled again before standing up from the garden chair he sat in, throwing the empty glass bottle into the recycling box.

“Then why are you acting like your heart is broken?” Mark asked, quirking an eyebrow as he followed Derek to the railing of the porch.

“Do you remember Meredith Grey?” Derek suddenly asked Mark, leaning against the wooden porch railing.

“She's definitely not one you forget,” Mark said with a chuckle and slight shake of his head, “Never could convince her to come home with me, and then she went off with Addison I guess and I came back here. Why? What’s she got to do with it?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about her?” Derek asked out of pure curiosity.

“I don’t know, there really wasn’t much to tell. Just a failed conquest, nothing to brag about,” Mark said with a shrug, “What does she have to do with your heartbreak? I’m pretty sure she’s batting for the other team anyway.”

“Mark, I can tell you now she definitely bats for both teams,” Derek said with a straight face, not interested in Mark’s joking attitude toward the situation.

“What? Really? I wonder why she kept turning me down then...” Mark muttered just as realisation swept over him, “Wait, you slept with her?”

“I didn’t just sleep with her,” Derek said with a groan, “I had an affair with her. I fell in love with her.”

“You had an affair?” Mark asked with a raised eyebrow, “I’m shocked, but also proud. Very proud.”

“This is why I didn’t tell you. She’s leaving tomorrow to move to England for 12 months for her fellowship. And I can’t stop her. One, because she’s very stubborn and knows what she wants, and two, it would be wrong of me to try and stop her. This is her life, her career. I can’t get in the way of that,” Derek found the words spilling out of his mouth as he spoke to his best friend who listened quietly.

“I think if it’s meant to be, it will happen,” Mark said after a moment of silence, “As long as she knows you’re there. I mean, if you truly think she’s the one, then wait for her to come back.”

“I suppose you’re right. It’s the only thing I can do. It’s just that she wants space. She doesn’t want me to contact her for a whole year and I don’t know if I can do it,” he said as he stood up running his hand through his hair.

“It sounds to me like you’re not going to have a choice in the matter,” Mark said with a shrug, finishing off his beer.


	24. Stay?

Packing was probably the hardest part. She didn’t think she was someone who had a lot of stuff, but apparently moving halfway across the world makes you realise how many things you actually own. She’d eventually decided on just taking a few outfits, she would just buy more when she got there and hopefully she'll be in scrubs most of the time anyway. That was her plan. Throw herself into her fellowship. 

She just needed a fresh start. Everything in Seattle had become so complicated and she just wanted to start again. She wouldn’t be Ellis Grey’s daughter. She wouldn’t be the resident who got in a love triangle with two of her bosses and ruined Derek’s marriage. She wouldn’t be that person anymore. No one would know who she was and she could find herself, be herself. That’s what she needed. That’s what she believed she deserved. And Derek deserved better than her. 

Just as she was fastening up the suitcase after finally deciding on what to take with her and what to leave behind, an insistent knock sounded on the front door. She hadn’t been expecting anyone, her friends had said their goodbyes the night before at Joe’s, and Cristina would obviously have a key if she’d finished work early, which was also doubtful. The knocking continued as she headed down the stairs, so much so you’d think it was a life or death situation. 

“I’m coming, I’m here,” she called out as she unlocked the door to open it. 

As she looked up, she saw the face she was pretty convinced she would never see again. He stood there, hair all over the place and shirt wrinkled, his blue eyes soft as she met them. 

“What are you…” she breathed, losing her words as he stepped closer to her. 

“I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye,” he murmured, his hand reaching to cup her cheek. 

“I… tomorrow, I leave tomorrow,” she muttered taking a step back, his hand dropping back to his side as she did so. 

“I thought we could… one more night,” he said, not moving from where he stood on the front porch. 

“That’s really not a good idea,” she sighed softly, her arms moving around her middle as she looked off to the side, avoiding his gaze as she felt the tears building in her eyes. 

“Meredith,” he breathed, stepping toward her now inside the house and closing the door behind him. 

“Derek,” she whimpered slightly, her eyes meeting his. 

“Mer,” he whispered, his hand reaching for his fingers to drift down her arm as it dropped from around her, taking her hand in his. 

“Oh,” she gasped softly as he gently pulled her toward him, his free hand resting at her waist. 

Before she knew it, or could think to stop it, his lips were pressed to hers and she was kissing him back. Her fingers reached into his hair, tangling themselves there as he backed her up against the wall in the hallway. Their kiss grew in desperation as his hand moved up her body to grasp at her breast, enticing a soft moan from her, her lips parting against his. 

“Derek,” she moaned quietly, her voice almost silenced by his lips pressing harder into hers. 

“I want you, I missed you,” he murmured, his lips suddenly close beside her ear before he began tracking them along her jawline. 

“You… oh,” she gasped, closing her eyes as the sensation of his lips sucking at the hollow of her neck made her forget her words. 

“Here or bed?” He asked as he started to lift her shirt, a soft groan escaping his lips as his fingertips grazed the underside of her bare breasts. 

“Maybe… oh, bed, take me to bed,” she pleaded, her attempts at not sounding desperate completely failing. 

He pulled off her shirt, and her raised arms moved around his neck when he lifted her by her hips, her legs immediately tightening around him. Her skin felt like it was on fire as he carried her up to the bedroom, not letting go as he lay her on her back, his lips immediately returning to hers. 

She couldn’t resist returning the desperate kiss, her fingers tangling into his hair as he pressed down against her and her hips rose to meet his, soft moans escaping them both. His lips left hers to kiss along her jawline to the hollow of her neck, his teeth gently nipping her there as his hands moved to her shorts, pushing desperately at the waist band to pull them off her. 

“God, I’ve missed you,” he murmured against her neck as her fingers tangled into his hair with a gentle tug. 

“I… I, oh, Derek,” she mewed softly, her mind going fuzzy as his tongue flickered against her nipple, sending shockwaves of pleasure straight to her core. 

“Meredith,” he murmured against her skin as his lips moved back up to hers.

“Hmmm?” She hummed softly against his lips as she returned his kiss. 

“I need you, one more time, I need to be with you,” he gasped slightly as her legs wrapped around him, bringing him closer against her. 

“You have too many clothes on,” she said with a slight smirk, her fingers moving to unbutton his shirt. 

“I can remedy that quickly,” he said with a gentle nip of her lower lip as he pushed his jeans and boxers together. 

She moaned slightly at the pressure of his teeth on her lip, pushing his shirt off his shoulders as she moved her hips up against his. She felt his fingers move between them, his thumb pressing against her clit in small circles causing her back to arch instantly, a moan escaping her again as his lips moved to her neck. 

“You’re… teasing…” she moaned out breathlessly, her fingers tangling back into his hair. 

“I’m savouring every,” he gently nipped at her neck, “last,” his tongue traced over her collarbone, “taste.”

She felt the touch of his lips against her hot skin, pressing soft kisses down her abdomen as her legs relaxed on the bed again, spreading beneath him as he continued to tease her clit with his thumb. His other hand gently gripped her hip as his finger slid to push inside her slowly, his tongue replacing his thumb and flickering against her clit as she pushed herself up against him, a prolonged moan escaping her. His movements became more insistent the louder her moans came, her hips moving with the movement of his fingers inside her, curling slightly. 

She was pushed over the edge as he gently sucked on her clit, his fingers moving faster inside her to entice her towards her orgasm, and she couldn’t help his name echoing from her lips as she felt the pleasure wash over her. His movements didn’t let up even as she rode out her orgasm, even becoming more insistent and pushing her towards a second orgasm as she moaned out breathlessly, her fingers gripping his hair tight. As her second orgasm subsided, he slid his fingers out, replacing them with his tongue as he tasted her, little shocks of pleasure shooting up her spine with his movements. 

“Derek,” she gasped out softly, tugging his hair slightly. 

“Hmm?” He paused his movements a moment to look meet her eyes, raising an eyebrow. 

“You… inside,” she murmured breathlessly. 

“Soon,” he chuckled slightly, pressing a few kisses to her inner thighs. 

He moved back up her body, leaving sporadic kisses over her hips, her abdomen, her shoulders, before pressing his lips against hers again in an urgent kiss. She pressed her lips back against his, parting them and tasting herself on him with a soft moan as her legs wrapped around him, urging him closer to her. A soft groan sounded from him against her lips as his hard length pressed against her, his hands moving to her hips to hold her up against him as they continued to kiss with a need and desperation on a level she hadn’t felt before. 

In a second, he had slid between her tight walls and she couldn’t hold her back her moans as she felt him push deep, pulling back and pushing deeper again. Her hips responded with his movements, urging to feel him deeper inside her, not wanting the moment to end. 

Her legs tightened around his waist, pulling him close against ther with a soft gasp as he stopped moving, his lips pressing to hers in a soft kiss before trailing to just below her ear. She ran her fingers into his hair as her head tilted back and she closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of him inside her, ingraining it into her mind. 

“Mer…” he murmured, just below her ear. 

“Hmm, I just… need to feel,” she gasped out as he pushed slightly further inside her, completely filling her now. 

“I know,” he breathed. 

She could feel herself shaking slightly as their movements paused, pressed up against one another. He brought his lips back to hers with a harder, more insistent kiss, and she knew this was going to be their last time together. It had to be. She didn’t want it to end. She could feel his love radiating for her and she didn’t know why she had ever doubted his feelings for her. 

He started to move slowly inside her again, almost as though he was also reluctant for the moment to end but they couldn’t stay like this forever, as much as they wanted to. Life moved on, they had to move on. 

“Let me,” she murmured, kissing him one more time before twisting her hips in a way so that she could move on top of him. 

She looked down at him, moving slowly up and down, the waves of her hair framing her face as their eyes locked. His hands secured themselves on her hips with a desperate grip as she continued to move slowly, but she still took him deep inside her. Her palms pressed down on his abdomen as she moved her hips harder down against him, her head tilting back as she moaned out with each movement. 

“Oh, Meredith,” he moaned, his hands starting to manipulate the movements of her hips. 

“Derek, oh, fuck,” she moaned out louder as his hips thrust up against her. 

“I… oh, Mer,” he murmured, moving his hands up her back as he moved to sit up, pulling her against him close. 

“Derek,” her head fell forward, gripping on to his shoulders and digging her nails into his skin. 

Their hips moved together at a faster pace, clutching on to each other as their breathing quickened, moans between them becoming louder and more frequent. Meredith dug her nails deeper into his skin as she felt her orgasm threatening, the knot in her stomach getting tighter as her walls squeezed around his hard, throbbing length inside her. 

“Here… here,” he murmured, his hand cupping her cheek as he brought his lips to hers, “With me.”

“Fuck,” she gasped softly as their lips met in a hard, forceful kiss.

As they kissed, Meredith felt her orgasm start to unravel and all she could focus on for that next minute was the rush of pleasure from hitting her climax and the feel of Derek’s lips against hers as he came inside her. His fingers tangled into her hair and held her against him, not breaking their breathless kiss as they rode out their orgasms, a layer of sweat covering both of them. Meredith buried her face against his neck as their movements slowed, breathing heavy against him still. She pressed a few soft kisses to his shoulder as she felt his lips against her own, his fingers running through her hair. 

He held on to her as he lay back down, holding her against him as she moved to his side, their legs tangled together still. She couldn’t help but laugh softly as his lips littered kisses to her forehead and to her nose, then along her cheek to her jaw. 

“Stay,” he murmured softly as he pressed multiple kisses against her lips.

“Derek,” she whispered, her voice catching in her throat.

“I’m being totally selfish, so selfish. But I want you to stay here, with me,” he moved to bury his face against her neck, his arms moving around her to pull her close against him. 

“I love you, I know that. I know I love you and it scares me, but I do,” she said as her fingers ran through his hair, “but, Derek…”

“What?” He breathed, pulling his head back to look at her. 

“If I don’t… if I stayed here, if I didn’t take this opportunity in England, I know I’d end up resenting you,” she watched as a slight frown formed on his face. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he murmured, his fingertips drifting over her cheek slightly. 

“I don’t want to hate you. Hating you is exhausting, trust me,” she let out a harsh laugh at her own statement. 

“I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I need you to promise me something,” she asked, looking up at him hopefully. 

“Anything. I’d do anything for you,” he said as he pressed a short kiss against her lips. 

“Derek,” she whispered, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she moved to sit up in the bed, holding the sheets around her torso. 

“What is it?” He asked, furrowing his brow as he looked up at her, moving his hand to caress his fingertips over her upper thigh. 

“I’ve thought about this a lot over the past week, and I,” her hand moved over his as she spoke, stilling it on her thigh as she took a breath, “I need you to not try to contact me once I’m gone. Let me be gone, let me settle and eventually, eventually I’ll be in touch. But I can’t… if you tell me you miss me I’ll be on the next flight home and I can’t do that.”

“Come back down here,” he whispered, his hand moving to hers with a gentle squeeze. 

She sighed softly, frowning a little but moved to lay beside him again, a small space between them but their hands still joined. His free hand brushed her hair behind her ear that had fallen forward a little before he pressed a kiss against her forehead. 

“If… if it helps you, I’ll do it,” he murmured, “I don’t like it, but I’ll do it.”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, her eyes closing as she moved closer to him, touching her forehead to his, her voice hitching slightly as she spoke, “I’m so sorry, Derek.”

“Hey, no,” he breathed, his hand cupping her cheek as he squeezed her other one again gently, “I understand. It’s okay.”

“I just… I need to do this,” she felt a tear roll down her cheek as she spoke, which Derek wiped away with his thumb.

“I know, Mer. It’s okay,” he said before pressing a short kiss to her lips, “You need to sleep, though. You have a long day tomorrow. What time is your flight?”

“I need to be there by ten,” she sighed softly, closing her eyes. 

“Okay, do you have everything packed or did I interrupt you?”

“Everything’s packed. I just need to do a few things before I sleep,” she whispered before slowly pulling out of his hold, grabbing her robe and putting it on as she climbed out of the bed. 

“Do you… can I stay?” He asked, his voice quiet. 

She turned to look at him, gently biting her lip as she tried to decide. Her head tilted slightly as she thought about it. Part of her thought it would be easier if he did leave, but part of her felt so selfish. She wanted one more night with him wrapped around her, holding her close and safe. One more night where she could pretend they were in a normal relationship, where they didn’t have to hide or pretend they were something they weren’t. And she let that part of her, that selfish part, win over one last time. 

“Please. Stay.”

She turned around again, going into the bathroom to clean herself up a little before sweeping through the downstairs, checking she hadn’t missed anything. Her hands were shaking slightly, nervous and anticipating her last night in bed with Derek. Her stomach twisted as she thought about it. She heard a noise on the stairs and moved to the hall, seeing Derek, with pyjama pants on that he had apparently left there, lugging her suitcase down the stairs behind him, and she raised an eyebrow at him. 

“What are you doing?” She said, her hand on her hip. 

“I’m helping,” he said with a slight chuckle as he set it by the door, “Bed now?”

“Yeah, bed sounds good,” she said with a small smile, heading up the stairs ahead of him. 

She could feel his eyes on her as she walked ahead into the bedroom, and she avoided any eye contact with him as he lay in the bed while she took off her robe, grabbing his shirt to sleep in. Her eye caught a small envelope on top of her desk and she immediately remembered. Addie’s letter. She still hadn’t read it. She made a mental note to grab it in the morning, setting the alarm on her phone and putting the phone down on the desk near the envelope as a reminder before she joined Derek in the bed. She lay close to him but with her back to him, his arm sliding around her middle and pulling her against him gently. 

“Let me take you to the airport,” he murmured softly, his forehead gently pressed against the back of her shoulder, “let me do that at least.”

“I think… yeah, okay,” she murmured, turning into his chest, into his warmth. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “Sleep now.”

“Okay,” she tried to say quietly, her voice breaking slightly as her face buried against his bare chest, her arm moving around him as they held each other close. 

He didn’t say anything to her. He just held her close as she quietly cried against his chest. And if she didn’t know any better, she wouldn’t deny that she was pretty sure, from the slight shake of his shoulders that he was crying too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the second to last chapter! I’m loving all the reviews and feedback and I’m going to answer any questions at the end of the next chapter. I will remind that I do plan for a sequel though. I hope you’ve all enjoyed this journey, I know I definitely have and I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed writing this story from start to finish. I’ll try not to be too long with the final chapter! xo


	25. Dwindling, Mercurial High

That morning had been… strange. Not awkward, they were never awkward, but there was definitely a strange atmosphere between them. It was like they both had something to say to each other, but neither was willing to speak first. Her fingertips tapped against her wrist as she sat in the passenger seat of the car, trying not to think about what she was about to do, where she was about to go. She glanced over at Derek who was focusing on the road, the familiar expression on his face that he got when his mind was working a million miles an hour, his knuckles white as his hands gripped the steering wheel. As his head started to turn to look at her, she quickly turned her head away to look out the window at the passing scenery, feeling a slight relief as she realised they had arrived at the airport as Derek found a parking space near the front entrance.

"Stay in the car," she finally spoke as the car came to a stop in the car park space.

"Meredith…"

"No, Derek. I… I won't be able to do this if you come inside the airport with me. I need to do this. I need to go," she said, tears obvious in her eyes as she turned to look at him.

"Okay," he murmured, his hand reaching for hers with a gentle squeeze, "Can I just… can I say something?"

"Yeah," she nodded, biting her lip as his thumb gently rubbed against the back of her hand.

"I love you, Meredith. I'm so in love with you. And I am so proud of you, so proud, and I want you to have everything you want. I'm going to miss you like hell, but you're going to do amazing, I know you are, and I know I have to let you go and let you do this, I know how important this is to you."

"Damn it, Derek," she muttered, not even realising a tear had fallen until his hand lifted to cup her cheek, his thumb wiping the lone tear from her cheek.

"I'll do what you asked, I will. I won't contact you until you're ready to speak to me," he paused at a sharp intake of breath before continuing, "God, I'm going to miss you."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her head instinctively leaning into his palm as her eyes closed.

"No, you have nothing to apologise for," he smiled softly, "and I mean this as seriously as I can, go and be extraordinary. Show them what you're made of."

A short laugh escaped her lips as another tear fell, opening her eyes again and turning away from him as he squeezed her hand gently. He encouraged her to face him again using his hand on her cheek, and suddenly he was a lot closer to her, his lips seconds away from hers. She wanted to resist. She tried to resist, but his lips were on hers before she could protest. It was just a soft kiss, just one soft kiss and as soon as it had begun, his lips had left hers, leaving hers slightly parted.

"I need to go," she breathed.

"I know," he said with a nod, dropping his hand from her face before climbing out of the car.

"Derek," she sighed softly, climbing out of the car with you, "Stay in the car, please."

"I'm not coming inside," he said, getting her suitcase out of the trunk of the car and bringing it round to where she stood beside the car, "but I wanted to hug you properly before you leave."

"Oh," she turned to him as he approached, and he quickly pulled her into a tight hug.

One arm wrapped around her shoulders tight, he buried his face against her neck as he held her close with his other arm around her waist. She found herself standing on her tiptoes to return the hug as he held her tight and she breathed him in for probably the last time, her arms tight around him. Eventually, they both let go, reluctantly. She stepped back a little, her mind spinning a little as she tried to remind herself to not run back into his arms and let him take her home. She could go anywhere she wanted right now, but she couldn't go home.

"I'll wait here. If you change your mind or… if you need anything. I'll wait until after your plane sets off," he said, leaning against the side of the car with his arms crossed over his chest. She knew he was trying to hide his pain about this, and it was killing her. She needed to leave.

"I need to go," she breathed, taking hold of the handle of her suitcase.

"Meredith… do you love me?" He asked out of nowhere, his brow furrowed.

"I… I have to go. Goodbye, Derek," she rushed out, turning around before he could say anything more, anything more that could make her stay.

* * *

He watched her as she walked away, watching as she walked over to the airport, not once looking back at him. A small part of him, as selfish as it was, thought she would come back, that she wouldn't get on the plane. He couldn't help but hope that he'd drive her back home and be in bed with him that night. But she couldn't even tell him that loved him before she left.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, and he looked down, his hands stuffing into his pockets as he looked down once he lost sight of her. He retraced his steps as he moved back around the car, as though he didn't quite trust the ground to not crumble beneath his feet, much like the tentative hopeful future he had dared to allow himself to imagine with Meredith. He climbed into the driver's seat, painfully alone. He ran his hand over his face, choking back the sob that threatened to break through. He missed her already.

He wasn't supposed to get attached. They weren't supposed to get attached like that. They weren't supposed to fall in love. But once he was in, once he realised how far he'd fallen, it was impossible to not want to be with her, to not be in love with her. It was killing him, letting her go. She might not even come back. He felt like his head was spinning. The fellowship would be one year long, but she hadn't known, or she hadn't told him, if that's all she'd be gone for. She hadn't said if she was coming back at the end of the year, or if she'd stay there. She said she hadn't known herself what she was going to do the last time they'd spoken about it. He just wanted her to be here. He got it, he understood why she couldn't stay, why she had to go. But he'd give anything for her to just come back.

His eyes watched the clock. Her flight was scheduled to leave in exactly half an hour now. He just had to sit, count down the minutes, and hope that maybe, maybe she'd change her mind and come back to him. He didn't know why he agreed to having no contact with her. That was so, so stupid. Now he could only hope that she would get in touch with him soon, even if a voice in the back of his mind was telling him she wasn't going to. This was her clean break, from Seattle, from her mother, from him.

* * *

She sat in the airport lounge, her leg bouncing as she waited for her flight to be called for boarding. She couldn't stop looking up at the exit, wondering if Derek was actually still waiting for her in the car park. And then she would chastise herself and look back at the floor in front of her, her hand running through her hair, a habit she had definitely picked up from him.

She groaned softly as she pushed her hand inside her pocket, gasping with a wince as she felt a sharp pain in her finger. She pulled it out, looking to see a paper cut on the edge of her finger. She carefully put her hand back in her pocket and pulled out the paper. Or envelope. The letter from Addison. She had completely forgotten she'd put it in her coat pocket. She hadn't even built up the courage to actually read it yet. She slowly opened the envelope, pulling out the folded letter. She took a deep breath as she unfolded the letter.

* * *

_Meredith,_

_This letter has been rewritten about five times at this point, but I have things I need to say before I go. I know things didn't work out between us and a part of me will always wish that they had but I suppose we can't change our past actions no matter how much we may want to. Just know that you will always hold a place in my heart and I truly wish you all the happiness in the world - lord knows you deserve it._

_I regret my actions these past couple of weeks, and I'm sorry that I showed up out of the blue and threatened your happiness. Part of me just wasn't ready to let you go yet and move on._

_You need to take this fellowship in England. You need to do something for yourself for once, make yourself happy. Because… What about you, Meredith? You're worth more than what you can give to other people and it's time for you to put yourself first. Forget about what other people expect from you. Forget what your mother says, or what she thinks._

_And Derek, he loves you. I've known him since college and when Derek loves, he loves with everything he's got. But I know he'll want to do what is best for you. He'd move heaven and earth for you. So, don't stay for him. I know… he'll be okay as long as you're happy. He'll wait for you if that's what it takes. So, go and be you. Because you, you're extraordinary, Meredith._

_I can't keep writing anymore because it's time for me to go. I'm going back to California; I need to start writing my next chapter and stop living in the past. Don't keep living in the past._

_I'll always be on the other end of the phone if you need me, but if you don't call, that's okay. I'll be okay. And I know you'll be okay, too. You'll be more than fine._

_Good luck._

_Yours, Addie x_

* * *

Without even thinking about it, she tore up the paper in her hands. She didn't need a letter from Addison. She didn't need to read those words, and it just made her angry. Addison couldn't tell her what to do. But she couldn't stay in Seattle just to defy her words. She scrunched up the torn pieces, shoving them back into her pocket and she let out a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She wasn't a situation that needed to be handled, and she didn't need Addison's closure.

A few tears had escaped own her cheeks, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand just as her flight was being called to board.. She looked up at the queue that had started to form at the gate, standing up from her seat and grabbing her carry-on. She went into her bag, finding her passport and boarding pass, holding them tight in her hand. She looked back toward the exit. He would be there. In his car, waiting. In case she changed her mind. She could just walk out and pretend she'd never even tried to leave to go half away across the world. Start her fellowship at Seattle Grace, keep things the same as they were.

But she couldn't do that. She couldn't go back now. She needed to do this. She needed to go. She didn't know how long she had stood there, looking between the boarding gate and the exit, but eventually the final boarding announcement called for her flight and she knew what she had to do. She took a deep breath, turned around, and walked to the boarding gate. She had to get on this plane, she couldn't go back now. If anything, it was too late to go back. She needed to do this, and she needed to prove herself, to everyone. Cut off all the feelings and focus on her career. She could do it.

She could do it, and she would do it... Because if she didn't, she knew damn well that for Derek Shepherd she would ruin herself, _a million little times._

* * *

**A/N: and this is it! If anyone can get all of the Taylor Swift references in this chapter you can have a gold star, haha. It may be a little while before I start to post the sequel but I'm hoping it won't be too long. I want to get a majority of it written before I start posting and while I know where I want the sequel to go, I may change my mind on that yet and there's a lot of detail I want to iron out first. I know I haven't spoken of what is in the box, but it's on the list for being included in the sequel so don't worry, I haven't forgotten about it!**

**J: the sequel will look at some of their time apart to begin with, but not all of it, and then focus on the time around a year or so after she returns, with reference to their time apart.**

**Isabella: Look out for Mark in the sequel! That is one thing I can confirm will be happening in the sequel, and we will find out more about his earlier time in Seattle this way but also toying with the idea of a prequel showing Meredith and Addison's 'relationship' which would also include out good friend Mark Sloan. As always, I love your reviews, they make my day** **😊 I love your insight and honesty with them, they really do help when I'm writing more content and sometimes I need reminding of things I've missed out, haha! I hope you keep reading on for the sequel**

**I've started writing a bit of MerHayes fanfiction, definitely my next favourite pairing for Meredith in the absence of Derek so look out for some bits I've been working on!**

**I haven't fully decided on what will be happening with two of my stories, Staying in Seattle and WGTSMLT, because I've been struggling with a major writing block the last months or so, so I won't promise an update just yet but they definitely aren't abandoned. Staying in Seattle will probably be quiet for a while and I have a lot of stuff for WGTSMLT but just need to find the time and inspiration to put it all together for something for you guys to read. Watch this space, I guess!**

**Thank you all for your lovely feedback and comments on all of my work. This one has definitely been my favourite to work on, and I like seeing my own work develop over time. Reviews keep me going! If anyone has further questions and can't wait for the sequel for an answer or just wants an update or anything, you can follow my Twitter MadAboutGrey, if not to just talk about Greys and PP with me, I haven't finished PP yet though so no spoilers pls!**

**Thank you again everyone and stay safe xo**


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